Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

Oh Sandi. I was hoping you would respond. As always I appreciate your insights.

Let's see.....If OM comes back, it probably won't be until fall of next year. Could still be W's plan, but she's said she will move at the end of the school year. I know, don't believe anything they say. I know it would really bother her if S16 chose to live with me and she stayed here based on some comments she's made about a friend who divorced and her daughter chose to live with her ex H. But I wonder if W thinks, well, if I stall until the end of the school year, it's only one more year until S16 goes to college anyway so I'd only miss out on one year with him. Back in the spring she had made a comment to me after I told the kids what was going on that she "wanted to finish giving S16 a normal upbringing before we divorced" but I wrecked that by telling them what was going on. And there's some history going on here. Her mom did the EXACT same thing. Figured out she wanted to divorce W's step dad when her younger brother was a sophmore in H.S. but stayed until he graduated and then divorced her H. Kind of like history repeating itself.

There is something holding her back. Whether its contact with OM, whether it's just friendly chat now or it's the constant reminders of OM just by being at work and her refusal to get rid of the affair stuff or the EGF filling her head with negative stuff, I'll never know. So that's why I think I need to state my boundary that S16 and I are moving when this transfer comes up and for me to agree that she moves with us, she needs to get rid of the affair stuff. I figure us moving from the place where the A happened and all the triggers that go with W going to work everyday where they met HAVE to be having a negative affect on her emotions with me. I agree, concern for our son is not in the forefront of her mind, except in the selfish way that it affects HER.

I will talk with W before the move. I'm kind of stuck right this minute because I told W I wouldn't discuss any R stuff until she was ready to talk. So if I just bring it up out of the blue, then it'll wreck any trust she's gaining in me. I am not shutting the door on her if she doesn't move. In fact, I feel like us moving is the only way to SAVE our marriage, because if I continue to live with her until she figures it out, I will become the WAS. But if I move without her I can preserve what love I have left for her while she figures it out.

Is there anger because I'm being treated as the bad guy even though she's the one that had the affair? Yes. But not as much as you'd probably think. I don't feel like she should suffer because of her affair, but when someone will not take responsibility for their faults, it REALLY bugs me. I understand completely how A's happen. I understand completely that things between us and things I've done in the past contributed to where our marriage was that led to the affair. But what I will never understand is how someone can throw away everything we have together without even TRYING.

I do not expect her to suffer for her sin. I would not hold her A over her head if we moved forward. Trust me, I would like nothing better than to not post here everyday. Nothing would make me happier than to go a day WITHOUT thinking about this. But we'll never get to that point if she's unwilling to work through the issues with me.

I know it's easy to love the lovable. And trust me, she's done many things in our marriage that would make the average person cut tail and run, but I haven't, because I love her and made a commitment to her when we married. I truly believe I've forgiven her for her affair, but I have not forgiven her attitude that she's done nothing wrong and her attitude that I should just get over it and she doesn't need to do anything to help me through the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. Like I mentioned to WDID. Back in Sept when I tried to tell W how much pain I was in, she ROLLED HER EYES.

I do agree with you on your comment that I do struggle with the fact that she had an A, tells me it's over and I should just get over it. I feel like she got to have the fun and excitement of being with someone new. She got to live the single life, go away for weekends with OM, live a secret life and all the excitement that goes with it and when the A ends, she just gets to say, "whoops, my bad, I did it and you just need to get over it if you want the pleasure of me staying in the marriage". I just don't see any self reflection in her.

Ok, I hope I've answered your questions. I'd be interested in what you think (and anyone else too).

W worked a little late last night. So I had about an hour and a half to myself when I got home. And I did a lot of thinking. Tell me your opinions on this.

It's been about two weeks since W moved to her new office for her temp assignment. IF she's not been in contact with OM, but the affair stuff she keeps in her regualr office has been triggering her bad, do you think that she's going through WD from that? She was fine last night. Wasn't terribly talkative, but I know she had a really busy day at work and then when she got home she made a pie to take into work today. So when she finally sat down she was really tired, but last night and this morning she was ok.

I also thought about how her mood changed a few weeks ago. Let's assume that she doesn't want to move because she likes where we live and she likes working in a different location than me. She likes the independence that it gives her. She could truly be reluctant to move back to our home office because then we'd be back in the same building and she fears she'll lose that independence?

One other opinion I need. Let's assume she WILL move at the end of the school year, but it's because of the reasons Sandi listed. When we talk about it, I plan on telling her that I think for our marriage to have a chance we need to move together AS SOON AS WE CAN and then list why I think that's so important. If she agrees, do I push for books, retro, getting rid of the affair stuff at that point or do I let that go for now knowing that if we move away from all the triggers here that we'll make enough progress that I can push for those things further down the road?

Ok, I've rambled enough. Let me have it!