Hi NW: I know what you mean about her darkness affecting me too much...and I'm more aware of it now than before...and so I just ignore her darkness and rude behavior. Even tonight, when she came by to pick up our baby, she did the usual thing of not saying hello to me or acknowledging my presence at all - but just went right into an aggressive question about whether or not our baby had made anything for Thanksgiving at his daycare. I didn't say anything, I just looked up at her, and continued to show her the number 4 he had made today - and which he was very proud of - and which I was giving to her...and then she suddenly added, "my mom was asking, not me." Goodness...what a mess she is at the moment...
But, yes, NW - she does have a good heart - and I know that to be true - but, yes to you as well, Rob, since it is her head that is messed up in a big way right now...and I'm just not going to get swallowed up in it any more...I think I've already given up too much of myself and my life - and over the last five months - I've spend hours, and I mean countless hours, reading and writing and trying to figure out what to do - and how to be there for her...only to see now that I have to be there for myself and my children first - and just let her do what she needs to do.
I think a lot of the sadness I was feeling this morning had to do with the holidays - all the lights going up in the neighborhood - the idea of being back home without my baby boy there - the fact that my father just left for Peru on Saturday - and won't be there when we visit...and just the simple truth of my fractured marriage...
I almost didn't go tonight - but after she picked up my son, I figured, okay...what the hell...go...which is a big 180 for me, since I would typically have just stayed home and let myself get lost in my thoughts. Instead I went, sat down, and while I was there (I arrived late) a friend from college happened to sit down at a table with me. He's a doctor now, married, and has a 15-month-old boy - so we talked - and I had a genuinely nice time just hearing about his work, his family and his memories of when we met. While I was waiting for him - I saw your note about having a drink, Rob, and so I obliged...in your honor.
Amazing that you should mention "Cats in the Cradle" - that is the only song (in English) that my father has ever talked with me about...I remember being in the car with him one day, that song came on, his eyes watered, and he turned to me and said, "this song reminds me of you" (though he said it in Spanish).
...and here I am...more than twenty years later...and going through exactly what he did...his boy is just like him...
