One of the books that I've read in this quest and really learned a lot from is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I'm REALLY not a huge fan of the sweeping gender generalization but I have to say that this book gave me some tremendous insights into the things that I have done DRAMATICALLY wrong in relating to my h over the years. I recently re-listened to the audio version and wrote down some of the more salient points. I'm posting them here as a reminder to myself. Perhaps they'll have some benefit to others, too. ******************
* Stop giving unsolicited advice to h. Give love instead and you will show trust that he can solve his own issues.
* Don't try to change his behavior.
* h's disinterest in books or c or outside help isn's a lack of caring -- it's a byproduct of feeling as though he can and should solve his own problems.
* Approach HIM as the source of a solution.
* h needs to feel needed to feel motivated. he needs to feel appreciated too otherwise he becomes passive and loses energy to help.
* h needs to know that he can make me happy. (This doesn't mean that h is the source of my happiness...more that he knows that I know that he is ABLE to make me happy)
* h will be motivated by the possibility of making a difference.
* love is a motivator.
* when he feels as though he cannot succeed he becomes withdrawn.
* h wants to be needed.
* h wants to be appreciated, trusted and accepted.
* Setting boundaries and aksing for what I need is difficult because I feel unworthy of support and love. Then, I push him away and he feels untrusted and unaccepted.
* It's not my needs that turn him off it's my desperation and hopelessness -- they tell him that I don't trust him.
* I need to realize that I truly deserve to be loved.
* A "man's" deepest fear -- that he's not good enough or is incompetant
* h may appear most uncaring when he is afraid
* I misinterpret his silence as him wanting him to leave me..
* Never (!!!) follow him into his cave
* Don't make him feel wrong for being in his cave
* Trust him to handle things -- only offer help if he directly asks for it.
* I can directly ask for support without any criticism or judgement.
* A "man" may feel smothered when a "woman" comforts him or tries to solve his problems
* A "man" may feel attacked and blamed when a "woman" is emotional or is talking about her problems. A way to mitigate that is to frequently appreciate the fact that he is listening.
* A "man" may be like a rubberband in terms of intimacy -- he needs to pull away to fully feel the need for love
* Don't insist on continuous intimacy. Let him pull away. He'll be back.
* h needs to feel accepted just the way he is
* It's bad to chase him when he is pulling away. It's also bad to make him feel badly about pulling away.
* When he comes back from having "been" away, don't punish him or reject him physically.
* Being indirect when sharing feelings with h. can seem judgemental and invalidating
* It feels attacking and disapproving.
* Stop asking questions twice!!!!
* You can disagree with his behavior but still approve of who HE IS
* Find loving intention and goodness in his behavior.
* "men" stop giving when they feel taken for granted
* appreciating the little things heals
* A "man" stops givng when he feels as though he's given a lot -- he sits back to receive
* "Men" give when they are asked if they feel as though the scales are balanced
* Be direct in asking for what you need.
* "men" give penalty points when feeling unloved or unaccepted. They primarily want appreciation.
* I need to prioritize loving attitudes and feelings
* Not making a big deal out of his mistakes scores a lot of points.
* My negative feelings make him feel unloved
* Practice asking correctly for what I'm already getting -- use "would" not "can", be direct and concise, non-demanding, correct timing
* Ask for things that you don't think you'll get and then accept the "no" graciously.
* Remain silent after asking for support and give him time to respond.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
