Anyway, h and I went out to dinner last night. It was an impromptu thing...his brother mentioned a bbq place he had really liked and next thing, we're in the car headed there! It was fun and the food was great.
It had already been a good day...h had called a couple of times (including once to sing me an "ILY" song ), he had done a TON of stuff around the house. During dinner, he talked a lot about his feelings re. law school (first class for him...2 weeks from today!). He also asked me to meet him at a bar near the school after his first Friday class.
Things just feel different for me right now -- in a very good way. It's hard to explain but I just feel so much calmer, so much stronger. I can feel his presence, his relating to me in a way that makes me feel very good.
It's not rose colored glasses, either...(I probably don't have to tell you guys that! You all know I'm the master of "all this good stuff is happening BUT...). there were a couple of times last night when I could feel myself mentally lapsing into old habits (making ASSumptions, feeling impatient, having EXPECTATIONS) but I was able to see it...and work through it.
And, I can HEAR h sharing his thoughts and feelings and love with me. What scares me a bit is how hard I have to listen to hear it ... NOT because he's not saying it clearly but because of the the cobwebs and noise in my brain (the ASSumptions, expecations, rampant thoughts, etc.). I'm working, working, working on brushing those aside.
Some of this may also have to do with the bittersweetness of our vacation....it was hard in some ways...to go back to this favorite place, this wonderful setting...and NOT think about what it was like last year (h was in the throes of his A. tho' I didn't KNOW for certain). Maybe it's enough to know that we created new memories on top of those old crappy ones.
I'm still scared...that I'm going to get hurt...that I'm going to take him for granted again...that my anger will return, his distance, too...that fidelity will be an issue again...but, I don't know, I feel like I have the tools to get through that...to keep us strong and positive and moving forward. It's almost like I feel like I can keep an eye on the small stuff and fix that with DB'ing instead of waiting for the big stuff to become an issue....
Sage (who's not entirely sure she's making any sense).
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
), he had done a TON of stuff around the house. During dinner, he talked a lot about his feelings re. law school (first class for him...2 weeks from today!). He also asked me to meet him at a bar near the school after his first Friday class. 
