I'm glad you feel better from writing that. But you really are being too hard on yourself when you equate sex with murder. Yes, what you did was wrong, when you stand back and judge it. But you have recognized the mistake, admitted it, and asked forgiveness. It is over. You have more important things to deal with in your life than regret over the past.
This is an unnecessary burden that you are carrying around, and making part of your life. It is garbage that you are allowing to fester in your house. It is like the wastes in the space shuttle. You have to jettison it, throw it away. Perhaps you need to have some kind of ceremony, where you burn some thing that reminds you of this past. Get rid of it, and move into the bright future that you see around you. If you can't do it alone, then perhaps you should get counseling for this specific purpose.
