Well, I see all of WDID reasoning and understand them completely! But, I am going to lay it out and it often hits hard b/c the spouse doesn't want to hear it. I hold back to a point b/c I am afraid you are on the verge of walking out on her. Anyway, here it goes:
If S16 wants to move with you.....then she is using him to buy her more time. If the OM is coming back, then I think she is wanting to see one last time if he is the one she wants for life before giving it completely up and leaving it behind. She has the opportunity to start "brand new" with you in a different place where there are no reminders of OM. There is something very powerful holding her back and I do not believe for a second it is her concern for the son. She has either continued to have some sort of contact with the OM, or she is waiting until he comes back to see if the A is rekindled and she can have those great in-love feelings again. I think the end of school is her "time limit" as to measure how things are going for her and OM. However, if son should get in her way of an A she is wanting with the OM, she'll send him packing and to go live with daddy.
I hope with all my heart that I am wrong. I wanted to see this as a glass half full and I think she has given enough words and looks, etc. to make you wonder, but the bottom line is "what is holding her back"? And it ain't the kid!
Don't ignore what WDID's advice about communicating with her before you move. What do you have to lose? Be careful about closing the door for good.....even if your patient has run out now. The stress of everything combined is too much. You may have to just take care of you and try to focus on your job. If you move without her, then I would go dark (except where son is concerned, of course)b/c I am concerned about what is happening to you. Moving without her and going dark would be better than shutting a door forever. I still am not so sure that I would not take my son with me if he is wanting to move that badly. Then see what her "excuse" would be for not going with her family.
One of my concerns about you is b/c of the anger that is continually building up inside of you over her being the bad guy b/c of the A and yet it's your fault. In so many words, I am hearing a man say that, "I know I have not been the perfect H, but who has? Besides, she has done the really one of five major big sins! I have not been as bad as she has! I do not think she has had to suffer enough for her sin. I think she needs to feel more pain and I do not feel that she has given me what I need emotionally by seeing her fall at my feet in dispair and regret over her sin of adultry. I am the good guy....she is the really bad guy. I cannot truly forgive her as long as I am being blamed in any sense for her adultry! It is not my fault and I will not accept any responsibility for the breakdown in the M.....at least not to the point that she would turn to another man. The nerve of her.....blaming me for her sin!" Now, that is what I preceive in what you are typing. I said all of that harshly and bluntly, but is this what you really, really feel in your heart? I think maybe you need some quiet time to reflect upon this and do a lot of soul searching. It is easy to love the lovable, but to love the unlovable says what kind of person you are. It is easy to forgive those that come to us in tears of repentance and beg for our forgiveness, but to forgive those that are unforgivable and have not asked for your forgiveness and shown no remorse for what they have done.......that says you can forgive her b/c of who and what you are....not her. I hope you will consider what I've said.
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So finally I said, "ok, I'll just call the Dr myself and make you an appointment" and she said in a very stern voice "I can take care of myself"!
That will not work. She will fight you over the "power" issue. Know what I mean by that? If she is close to her mom, then maybe Mom could talk her into getting a check up from head to toe. But, you aren't the one to do it.
Wish I was more encouraging to you. But, this is how I see it and I'm not going to beat around the bush. Hope I am wrong.
Please take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
