Thanks Yashie, I guess you are right, there will be no progress until he has control over his alcohol consumption. I will look into going to alanon. He must be using alcohol to mask his pain - whatever pain that is - and he no longer has control over it.
One of the reasons I decided to keep up R with H when we first got together (apart from feeling like I was in love) was that he had a very straight-forward happy upbringing with parents still together etc. I felt like he was a safe bet (compared with ex). So it has come as a big surprise to me to find he is an emotionally needy person who is often depressed and needs to use alcohol. There is nothing in his background to suggest this should be the case, he comes from a loving family who are there for him. I get the feeling that he has somehow always felt like the outsider in his family and can't really connect with them.
He is a weak person, I am strong. People have described me as strong. I guess it's just a trait like what colour hair or eyes you have. I am emotionally strong, he is not. Nobody's fault. I have to try and understand that about him. Physically I am not strong, I am short and since child-bearing I am not good at lifting anything remotely heavy. Sometimes I feel he feels put upon when I ask him to lift stuff for me, and maybe that is an insight into how I feel when I need to carry him emotionally. I can do it he can't. Just like he can do the heavy lifting, I can't.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
