Hello, everyone. I'm new to this forum, and I've come here because I feel so lost and hopeless. I thought that if I could share my situation here and read about other people's situations that I would feel a little bit less lost. I have to apologize for writing what is possibly the longest post in the history of the world. I am a writer and a detail-maniac to boot, so I fear that I've gone into way too much detail. The experience of writing everything out in detail was cathartic, however, and I hope that I haven't bored everyone to death.
My husband and I are currently separated, and we are on the way to a divorce - his choice. It's possible that he's a WAS or going through a very young (27) MLC. We have been married for 4 years but we have been in a relationship for 11 years - since I was 15 and he was 16. To give you an idea of our history, we met in high school, and somehow we managed to stay together even though after high school I went to college and he joined the Marines. We made it through war (Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan), the tragic death of his mother and aunt in a car accident, long distances, and great personality differences. We are best friends and members of each other's families. In many ways, we are different on the outside - I come from an upper middle class family filled with doctors, educators and diplomats. He comes from a family that is much more blue collar, a family filled with Marines, law enforcement officers and federal employees. I am liberal where he is conservative. I like to plan and am logical. He is much more spontaneous and emotionally-centered. He wanted to be a young parent with several children, but for the longest time I didn't want children at all, and figured that if it did happen, I would be in my mid-thirties before even considering the idea. I'm a perfectionist and neat-freak whereas he's more laidback. For the longest time, I was staunchly agnostic, and he came from a Catholic family and believed in being a good Catholic. I'm the brains and he's the brawn - at least that's how we positioned ourselves. I'm a reader and a writer and an artist with aspirations of getting my Ph.d and becoming a professor and author. He's a martial artist and weapons expert with dreams of an early retirement, a house in the country, and a business teaching martial arts. I'm outgoing and like to be the center of attention, but he is quiet and prefers to avoid crowds. I sometimes value my friends over my family. He values family above all and has few friends. I'm a Gucci girl, and he's a Wal-Mart guy. I've worked for the same telecom company for 4 years, with a promotion every year, even though I hate my job. He changes law enforcement jobs almost every year, and I've called him fickle because of it. He has a short attention span, and I tend to obsess.
You can see where this is going.
The thing is that despite all of our differences, we are actually really close - best friends in every way. We have our own brand of humor and way of speaking. But on the surface, it's hard to see those similarities when the differences seem so glaring.
In any case, the bomb was dropped on me on November 14th. I was leaving a party to celebrate my role in coordinating a major business merger. I'd been buried under a really extreme workload for the past three or four months, and towards the last month I was working 7 days a week and logging almost 120 hours. My husband generally does a lot of the household work because I work longer hours than him (and I hate doing it), but it had been even more pronounced since the merger began, and he was doing all of the cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, and cleaning so that when I did have some down time I could just relax. I was really appreciative of his help, but in truth I hadn't really picked up any slack since the merger ended. Instead, I'd gone on vacation to visit my best friend and was doing a few things to pamper myself.
I was oblivious to all the signs that we had reached a turning point. We were happy when we were together, although in retrospect H seemed a bit distant. We hadn't had any major fights in about a month, and any fight we'd had prior to that tended to revolve around my parent's tendency to be overbearing in their desire to help us and in my lack of interest in visiting his dad with him on the weekends. He had mentioned a few times that he felt he was losing his faith, and he'd been angry with his father for questioning his decisions in the elections. He'd mentioned several times that he felt like I was his husband, but I'd never understood how critical those statements were because we'd been laughing about them at the time as he accompanied me to my business events.
I never really accompanied him to any of his work events, although to be fair there really weren’t any except the occasional party thrown by one of his coworkers. I never went with him because I couldn't stand most of them. They were all racist, and they made many unethical choices in their work as narcotics investigators. I felt they were dragging H down, that they were a major reason behind the changes I'd noticed in him since we bought our first house a year ago. He'd been engaging in more and more questionable practices with the Drug Unit (harsh treatment of suspects, etc), and he seemed to have lost a lot of the empathy and kindness he used to have.
I hated going out with the few friends he has, and he knew it. I couldn't stand any of their wives, and I always felt like they were judging me. On the flipside, I expected him to be as charming with my friends as he'd ever been.
So there were many signs, but I was clueless.
Three days prior to the day the bomb was dropped, we'd gone out to dinner and out of the blue he'd asked me how I felt about starting a family. I'd been flabbergasted and completely caught off guard because he'd been adamant for the past year or so that he didn't even care about having kids anymore. I figured he was going through some phase and brushed the whole thing off saying that we weren't ready yet. He’d been looking at me with such love - almost sheepishly, like he was embarrassed.
Thinking back on that moment, I want to wither up and die.
So the night the bomb was dropped, November 14th, I was on my way home from my party and I called him to see if he'd like to go out when I got home. Instead of being met with his normal tone, he seemed very distant and serious and told me that he thought I should come home, and that we needed to sit down and talk about our marriage. I was completely shocked, and I was so angry that he was ruining my celebratory evening that I tried to drag the conversation out of him while driving. He would not discuss the issue over the phone, and so I drove the long hour drive home on pins and needles, wondering what I was about to hear.
By the time I got home, all of my defenses were up. I wouldn't even change out of my business suit and heels. Instead, we sat down at the kitchen table across from each other, I with my hands tented and my "ok, let's be rational here" gameface on.
He told me that he felt like we were treading water. He told me that he felt like I'd pressured him into getting married and that he hadn't been ready at the time (we both had EA's during the months preceding our wedding - probably because of youth and cold feet and distance). He told me that he'd always felt growing up that he'd be with a more traditional wife, and it bothered him that he felt like I was the husband in many ways. He felt that we were just too different, and that we were holding each other back. He wanted kids now and felt ready, and he felt like I'd never be ready, and that even if we did have children that I wouldn't be a very good mother because I don't even take care of our animals (dog, bird, fish). He said he didn't want to look back on his life when he was 50 and feel like he'd made a mistake. He asked me where I saw us in 2 years, and I gave him my usual elaborate plans about paying off all of our debt, finishing furnishing the house, traveling and getting my degree and then having kids. I was calm and logical, and I tried to give him advice - "as a friend" - as I always do. I told him that I thought he was lost and that he had to figure out what he wanted for himself. I told him that I was willing to work things out, to compromise or see a counselor, but that he had to make his own decisions before that could happen. I told him that I did want children but that I didn't feel that either of us was ready financially or emotionally. I even told him that the reason I didn't take care of the animals wasn't just laziness but was because he'd brought all of our animals home without consulting me. When I asked him where he saw us in 2 years or 30 years, he said he just didn't know.
We ended the discussion without resolution which of course killed me. He took a motorcycle ride, and I talked with my friends. When he came home, I laid down beside him on the bed and we ended up laughing at the absurdity of the situation. I suggested that perhaps he should try an informal separation - staying at his dad’s house for awhile - in order to figure things out. Much to my chagrin, he agreed. We got up, he made some sandwiches, and we watched a horror movie. He went to bed before me, as usual, and though I wanted to go sleep with him in our bed, for some reason I couldn't allow myself to go and snuggle with him, so I slept alone in the guest room.
The next morning I woke up and he was packing to leave. I was sad and angry, and inside I wanted to cry so badly, but I bottled up my emotions and was completely silent and stone-faced. He came and kissed me on my forehead and told me that everything would be alright, that it was only for a few days. I retreated to the guest room, waiting until he left to break down. He came and found me again, and he kissed me, saying he loved me.
I was silent.
As he was leaving, I told him: "If we’re going to do this, we need to do it right. You can't call me, and you can't come home without notifying me first." He nodded and left.
By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was feeling like an idiot for handling the situation as I did. I thought I was doing the right thing be being detached and logical, but I realized that in all of that I'd never been warm or vulnerable. I wrote him a long email Monday morning explaining my fears over his leaving. Of course, the letter was more about myself, about the things I wanted to believe about him and his feelings for me.
He emailed me back this response: "We've got a lot to work out and talk about. I'd be lying if I said I did not miss you and Lola [our dog]. It's not fun living in a room five feet by five feet. I miss you. Meet me at ____ on Thursday at 9pm if you can. Be safe."
Well, when I got that email I was so angry. It was too brief. Thursday was our anniversary, and ____ is one of our favorite places, so all I could think is "how dare he want to sit down and talk on our anniversary?" "How dare he be so brief and be willing to wait so long to see me?"
This was on Monday, November 17th. I made it to noon on Tuesday, November 18th before I text messaged him and told him: "I’d prefer to meet tonight if possible." After pushing back and forth for awhile and ignoring him when I didn't get my way, he agreed to rearrange his schedule and meet me that evening to talk.
When we sat down to talk, things didn't go so well. He smiled when I walked in, but I was all business. I wouldn't even order food. He still didn't have any answers, and I was demanding "the verdict." Finally, after much sighing, I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said, "Yes, I think I do."
I then got in his face, told him he was the worst thing that ever happened to me and that I hoped he died on the way home, and I stormed out.
By the time I got home, I was crying hysterically, and something inside me snapped and said, "No, this cannot be the end." So I called him, sobbing, and asked him to come home. He agreed, and he said that perhaps we did need marriage counseling and that perhaps he didn’t talk to me enough about his feelings, but that I’d pushed him and I knew I had.
So, on the evening of Tuesday, November 18th, he came home. We laughed. We made love. We snuggled, and he told me that everything would be ok. He told me that he just wanted to be sure, and that he had to figure out if children were really that important to him. I told him that he was considering the wrong question, that he instead needed to ask himself whether he wanted children right NOW.
The next morning, he went to work but I couldn't motivate myself to go in. I felt like I'd pressured him into staying despite the fact that he'd gotten up, kissed me, and told me that he loved me and that I was a "pretty damn cool person."
We made love again that night, and I actually cooked dinner, cleaned the house, and folded the laundry. However, when I asked him if he would have come home had I not called him, he said he didn't think his pride would have let him. Even though we made love that evening and spent lots of time together, I was bothered by the situation and sulking.
The next day was our 4th wedding anniversary. I woke up, made breakfast for us, and he told me Happy Anniversary. I still couldn't motivate myself to go into work, so I stayed in the house, cooking his favorite meal and looking up marriage counseling. When he came home, I was sullen, and I was upset that he hadn't brought flowers or a card (even though he had stopped at the grocery store and picked up my favorite foods) - which I told him. He pointed out that I hadn't gotten him a card, and I then reminded him that I'd made breakfast and dinner.
We watched a movie together that evening even though I was still sulking - complaining about not doing anything “special” and generally being bothered by the situation at hand. I mentioned marriage counseling, and he seemed annoyed, stating that he didn't want to go. He asked me to drop the subject.
That evening, we laid down to sleep early, and we spent nearly an hour awake on opposite sides of the bed, sighing. I was dying to feel affection from him, so I finally pushed the conversation, telling him I wished he would just talk to me. When he didn't respond, I got up to sleep in the other room, but came back after a few minutes.
Finally, he sighed and told me that, "This just isn't going to work. It's not just the big things, it's the little things too."
And then he told me that I deserved to know the truth. "There's another woman," he said.
I began to sob, and he began to pack up and leave. He told me he was sorry, and I baulked at the notion. I tried to demand details, but all he would tell me is that it was only an EA and that it had been going on for about a month. As he was packing, I calmed down and stopped him in the hallway. I cried, telling him how much I would miss him. He cried, saying he missed me already. He told me that I was beautiful, the smartest person he'd ever met, and that I would be more successful than he could ever be. He told me that I had ever right to hate him, and that I deserved better. I told him that I didn't hate him, that I hoped we'd always be friends, and we parted with a big hug, a kiss, and an exchange of ILYs.
That was on November 20th. Since then, we've had contact through email and text messages. We exchanged bits of gossip, and I packed some things for him to pick up while I was out of town last week (left to get away and visit friends) as I discovered he's an Acts of Service guy whereas I'm a Quality Time/Conversation person. We've sent our love to our families, and my mother has emailed him twice (unbeknownst to me at the time) telling him of her love, support, wishes to help, and assurances that she'll never forget him.
I had a setback this weekend. I pushed him into coming over on Saturday evening after I'd returned from my trip to Chicago. When I'd returned to the house, I found that he'd only taken what I'd packed for him, but that he'd left me a letter. In the letter, he wrote that he would always love and respect me, and he wrote about all of my strengths - beauty, intelligence, and drive. He then said that he needed to walk his path alone, that he needed to find himself. He said he felt empty and didn't know who he was anymore. He told me that he never felt like a man, like the head of the household, and that he felt he'd married another alpha male. He said that he'd taken a secondary role because he loved me, but that in the end I wasn't wired to be a mothering type, and that I'd be better off with someone else who I wasn't settling for. He mentioned that he felt pressured into marrying me, and that the fact that I hadn't let him play any music that he liked at our wedding had always bothered him. He said that he was a simple man and needed to feel like one, and that though he would always miss me and our humor that we just were meant to walk different paths.
After reading the letter, I called him and asked him to come over immediately, that I needed to tell him some things. I put on my most feminine shirt, prayed to God, and waited.
The thing is, once we'd separated, I went through a series of epiphanies and re-evaluations of my life and my actions. I've been praying and have found peace with God. I've found inside of myself a deep desire to have those children I was holding off on thinking about, and I figured out the myriad insecurities that had held me back. I realized that I had never expressed love in his language and that I had never shown him any respect (case in point, I barely wrote him for the 6 months he was in Afghanistan because I resented his military service). I felt enlightened and truly changed - and so ready to actually put those changes into action.
So he came over. We joked around for awhile, but then the conversation turned serious. I was doing my best to smile, show my affection in my body language, and to be as earnest as possible. He seemed frustrated by my sentiments, and though he had a moment where he said I was making him doubt his decision, he ultimately said that he didn't think he wanted those things (children, religion, etc) with me. He said he felt free, and that I was making it harder on him by asking him to stay the night with me. He told me several times that I needed to let him go, that I had to let him go. We hugged many times, and he seemed to almost cave into staying a few times, although in the end he stood firm and became frustrated with me. He said he wouldn't lie to me, and that if he came back that we would just find ourselves in the same place again after another couple of years. When I asked if he was 100% sure about the divorce, he said yes, and he said that he wanted to get things rolling (I'd reserved the right to file). We prayed together at my insistence, and we parted with a hug.
I wrote him a long goodbye email that night, validating his points and reminiscing on fond memories. His sisters called me later that night to offer support, tell me that none of the family wanted to see us divorce, and to tell me that they would talk to him about seeing a priest to help with his confusion. They said he was scared of the changes in me, of making me do things that I didn't want to do, and that they feared that even if he did reconsider things that he would be too embarrassed to try again after having drawn his line in the sand.
Since then, I've gone dark in an attempt to do a 180. He's texted to ask how I've been and called to see about meeting up to cash a check to pay the house payment this month. I responded after many hours suggesting to meet Saturday, but we've had no contact since then.
I'm working with Cheryl now, and she feels that if I am pleasant, build on our strong friendship, and GAL and am backing off - acting as if I'm letting go - that there is hope. Sometimes I feel very hopeful, but right now I am extraordinarily depressed that I've damaged things beyond repair. I'm so scared that if I appear to be getting on with my life that he will believe I'm better off without him. I know that I haven't even given him a chance to miss me yet, but it's so hard to keep distant and focus on other things.
Any advice or guidance that can be offered would be wonderful. I hate myself for being so controlling and so selfish for so long, and I would do anything for a chance to fix things. I feel that this separation had to happen in order for me to wake up to certain truths, and I feel as though I've learned many lessons. I just pray that I can put them to good use.
Thanks for reading, and many apologies for writing a pseudo-novel.
Nasmat Sorry to see you here but you are not alone. It looks like you know what you need to work on. Just remember the changes are for you to better yourself. Please be patient, this is a very very long process. Is the OW still in his life? If yes, you are in for a long battle. You probably should stop all the R talk for now unless he brings it up. Listen and validate......try not to get angry. If you feel the anger coming up, walk away because nothing good will comes out when you are angry.
Keep posting and vent here. This will be a long journey but you can do this.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I am new to this site and not exactly sure how to maneuver through all of it just yet, but - like you, I am in desperate need of advice. I did not read your pseudo-novel in its entirety, but the jist of it. I have a tendency to write novels as well.
I do not have much time right now to write all that I would like to, but I do have some advice, which you may not be open to, as I see that you are a liberal, very independent and probably of the typical feminist mindset - which, believe me - can be devastating to a marriage or relationship. I have found the same in myself, wanting to be so independent, not liberal or feminist.
Anyway, I highly suggest reading some of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books. If you truly feel the way that you do i.e. selfish and controlling, then please open your mind to what she has to say and force yourself to look within to begin the repair process there. I find her books incredibly helpful, yet I am still in agony over my own situation.
I wish you the best and if you have any advice for me, I would appreciate it as well.
I will try to help you more and write more at a later time.
One more thing that I have to mention. In reading your second paragraph again, it is almost identical to our differences, my boyfriend and I only with minor role reversals on some points.
Like you I want to pursue Ph.d,love writing and have brains. I love to be the center of attention, very social and outgoing. My boyfriend on the other hand, he has zero attention span, not outgoing and is a horrible listener. He is a paramedic and is very intelligent, but we do not see eye to eye on most issues, which can be very frustrating.
I promise, I will wait to hear from you now. I am starving for communication and guidance myself.
Hi nw626! Thanks for the support. You're very right in that I do know what I need to work on; of course, the hardest thing is always finding ways to do those things and actually figuring out how to demonstrate change. I feel like it is going to be a very long road, but I keep trying to tell myself that it's worth it in the end.
I spent 11 years in a relationship that I never really worked on, so it seems fitting that I'm the one having to struggle now. Ah, karma.....
I honestly don't know if the OW is in his life still. His siters seem to think that she's not really an issue. He's very close with them, and he's said it was only a friendship that could have been more. They are telling me that he's more confused about himself right now and feeling a bit scared. Their assessment pretty much matches what I'm seeing and hearing from him, and I honestly feel like it matches at least what I believe to know about him.
I've had an EA and a PA myself (he doesn't know about the PA, which was really a brief fling), and so I know that it's at least possible that he truly is just talking to this person. Many of my friends think I'm being naive - and perhaps I am just avoiding an uncomfortable truth - but in my heart I feel like I believe him.
I don't know much about what he's doing right now. He says he's living at his office (the Drug Unit has a trailer with couches, bathroom, etc) because he was miserable staying at his dad's house. Otherwise, I have no clue. I haven't asked since the night he told me, and in a way the OW and affair feel almost irrelevant - more symptoms of a greater problem.
I remember that when I've had my affairs or been restless that the issues I was going through tended to have less to do with him and more to do with my own confusion/insecurity/etc. I never stopped loving him during those times, so in a way I can believe that this isn't completely about me or his feelings for me.
We got together at a very young age, and neither of us had much experience dating (I had none, he had very, very little) or "being free" like other young people. In some ways, he may need to still work a little bit of that out. I know that I had to.
I wish I knew if I was being stupid in not focusing on the affair. I'd hate to be naive about the whole thing, and I know that until I figure out who he really is versus my assumptions about him that I'll never really make progress, but I feel that if i focus on the OW I'll start doing all the wrong things - comparing myself, feeling down on myself, feeling jealous and angry.
I don't know what to think. It's all very confusing. For what it's worth, I have a feelign that the woman he is talking to is the woman he had the EA with before we got married. About two months ago or so, we'd gotten into an argument about family - about how I never visit his family on the weekends. We hadn't spoken for a day, and though we'd made up the next day and he'd been very affectionate, I'd found on his computer where he'd done a myspace search for the girl he'd had the EA with before we got married. The search hadn't turned up any results. I'd confronted him about it, and he'd said that he'd just been curious. I'd let it go because I still was checking my old EA's website from time to time.
I know the OW from before was similar to him. She was Marine and had been in the police academy with him, but she'd dropped out of the academy when he'd told her to go back to her husband (they were separated). My H seemed to think she may have moved to Iowa, but perhaps she's still in the area. Unfortunately, I don't know. I don't have access to his phone records or work email, but I do have access to his personal email and haven't seen anything suspicious.
I know that people tend to admit to about one level less than what they've actually done in affairs, so it's possible that they did kiss, etc. I believe him when he says there were no sexual relations. I did notice he was kissing a bit better recently, so that's probably a sign.
Thanks so much for the advice. I'm going to keep on going. My hope is that if this does work out I can actually start treating him as another human being instead of an archetype or a pucnhing bag. I never really saw his as a normal man with normal male weaknesses, so perhaps that's part of the journey.
Hi, Tormented! Thank you so much for responding! NJ must be a much more exciting place than GA. I'm down in Savannah but I'm orginally from Cleveland/Chicago, so I know how different the north can be.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having similar problems. Do you have a thread about your sitch? I'll go look for it - just got into work a few mintues ago. I really appreciate your book recommendation,a nd I will totally check it out. I am definitely open to new perspectives, and I've been doing a lot of reading about roles in marriage, demonstrating respect, etc. It's a long, difficult road for me as I am very indepedent and I have alot of baggage surrounding traditional roles. It takes alot for me to admit that it takes alot of strength to defer to someone else sometimes and to be more of a Giver.
My mom and dad have a very traditional relationship, and it's affected my negatively in many ways. As an only child, I always was involved in all of their arguments (I was literally made to sit down, listen to their sides, and function as a pseudo-counselor froma very young age). My mom is a stay-at-home mom that sacrificed many dreams to take care of me, and she has very low self-esteem. My dad is a successful business man and Ph.d, but deep down he's very bitter and insecure in ways I don't think he even realizes (he's from a large Sri Lankan family, and he's had to support all of his brothers, etc). He takes out his frustration on my mother by putting her down, and she in turn nags and cries and nags and cries. They are both miserable and have been for a very long time. My mom is Hungarian and came from a very tradional 1950's midwestern family, so her family never really accepted my dad which resulted in tons of arguments about families, etc. When my parents would argue, I would get so angry at my mother for constantly crying (it was too painful to be sad for her) and would silently hate my father as I had to listen to his cold logic and try to debate with him.
I love both of my parents very much, and they are very loving and supportive, but they have definitely affected me greatly. Even looking at my love languages, it makes sense that I take my H's primary love language (Acts of Service) an secondary love language (Gift Giving) so lightly. I always was taken care of by my parents (never had chores, etc), and I got whatever I wanted. What I really long for is Quality Time and physical affection. My H, on the other hand, comes from a family that is much more tradional. 3 kids, so the siblings are separated from the arguments, etc. He had to work at a young age and had many responsibilities, so it makes sense that AOS and Gift Giving is so important to him. Both his parents always seemed cold to me - not really demonstrative or apt to talk about feelings - so he's always run after their affection. He used to do that with me until I became more clingy and available.
In any case, as far as the parent thing goes, there's a large part of me that's always felt that if I don't victimize someone that I will become the victim myself. I'm terrified of becoming my mother even though I love her very deeply. When I was little, I was bullied alot, so I definitely have a need to assert myself now. One of the reasons I barely wrote my H (then my boyfriend) when he was at war was because I felt that if I did, it would make me somehow the "little woman at home" or that his buddies would sit around laughing about me.
Yeah, I have problems. My H knows abotu my problems as well. Throughout the years, I thought or him as a saint in some ways, so any little normal thing he does makes me crazy. When we were younger and I foudn out he'd gone to a strip club, I went crazy. When I found out he was looking at porn (and to be real, so do I) a couple of years ago, I went crazy even though I knew it was healthy and normal.
So yeah, issues, issues.....
Sorry to talk your ear off again. I'm going to go look for your thread now.
Nasmat Don't sweat too much on finding time to demonstrate changes. You will have your chance, but it will never under your time frame, so be patient. Even he notices your changes, he may probably think these are just temporary. Don't get discourage if he says anything negative about your changes. I believe our WASs think we will never change. That's why consistency is the key. Work on your changes hard daily so they just become natural to you. You are right, it is a very very long road. It took years for your M to get to this point. It probably will take just as long if not longer to get back on track.
I also want to point out one thing. Affair is an affair, EA or PA. They are just as damaging to any M. If you think the OW is not an issue, that's good, but I suggest do prepare yourself for the worst. You know what I mean...!!
How often do you see/talk to H now?
Keep posting...we are here for you.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
It's terribly difficult for me to be patient - definitely not a strength of mine - so I know that's going to be the biggest battle. My family is going to be another huge battle, because they're going to be pushing me to move on - file for the D, move out of the house, figure out finances, etc. I do have a limited time frame in the sense that I'm not sure I can afford the house by myself, and so I need to figure out some sort of plan. I'm not sure that I can carry the cost while waiting to sell, and my H has mentioned bankrupting and allowing it to foreclose. My family tends to think we should bankrupt and that I should move back in with them, save money for a year, and then get on to grad school. The problem is, at 26 I don't feel like it's necessarily a step in the right direction to move back in with them, and I know that I am not happy about ruining my credit for the next 7-10 years.
I don't even have a plan yet, and I'm not even sure how to "plan to wait" as money is an issue and the only real way I can see to move ahead is to roll things up and get the D.
He's got to be feeling the same rush as well. He's living in his office, and he's going to have to think about getting a place, etc.
So what really sucks is that I don't actually know how long I can wait. It's all very frustrating.
I'm sure he will think the changes are temporary. I would if I were him. I've been very solidly "who I am" for the entire 11 years he's known me, so I know that time will be key here. Right now, I know that he's expressed to his sisters that he's scared of the changes in me and that he doesn't want me to do anything I don't really want to do (religion, kids, being traditional etc). He said he didn't think he wanted those things with me, but he also said that I was making him doubt himself.
I'm just so afraid that even if he does want to try again that his pride will get in the way.
Thanks for the advice about the OW. I haven't really focused on it/thought about it at all except in terms of forgiveness for his being human. I tend to relate whatever he's doing to what I've done, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
I'm a bit afraid if I do focus on the affair and the OW that I'll give up because of my own pride.
Perhaps I do need to prepare myself for the worst by giving it more thought. For all I know, he could be crazy in love with her. He could be staying with her. Who knows....
If it is the same girl from before we got married then he's definitely working through unfinished business and could feel that she's the right thing. I have a feeling I'll never know the truth.
Right now, here's how our contact has broken down: 11/12: Husband brings up kids while out to eat. Wants to start a family. 11/14: Conversation about the problems in our marriage; H is afraid we are too different. 11/15: H moves out to his dad's house at my suggestion. Comes home briefly to switch out our phone chargers. Talk to him that evening as I thought heard noises in the house. 11/16: No contact. 11/17: Email H expressing my fears about his leaving. H emails me asking to meet to talk on our anniversary. I do not respond to his email. 11/18: Text message him to meet to discuss the relationship two days earlier than he suggested. After some push-back and adjustment on his end, we meet. I demand a "verdict" and he asks for a divorce. I call him crying and he comes home, citing that maybe he does need to open up more and perhaps he needs counseling. 11/19: He's at home. I cook dinner but avoid work and mope. 11/20: Our 4th anniversary. After much pushing on my part, he saying it's not going to work and that there's an OW. Husband leaves and moves into his office. 11/21: No contact. 11/22: H emails stating that I can have the house, car, etc but that he cannot help with bills, etc. I respond with a warm email requesting more time to think and restating my hopes that we can be friends. 11/24: I text him saying that I understand things are the way they are but that I am here if he needs me. He responds by text that he wants to remain close as well. He calls me after I message him that I would feel better if we could talk. I tell him that I forgive him, that I understand his feelings, and that I hope we can stay friends. We are both teary, and he agrees that he wants to be friends. 11/25: Text back and forth to figure out a time for him to come pick up some things. Inform him I might be pregnant. He offers support though he says it's just a lot much to process. 11/26: Inform him I am not pregnant but that my sadness is surprising. We have friendly conversation about family gossip. I email asking him to pray with me. He responds saying he cannot come over to pick up his stuff, that he wants to but is too confused and needs time. Says I am "weirding him out" with my reaction to everything, and he apologizes for the 100th time. 11/27: I leave town for Chicago. I pack some things in his suitcase and separate his bills. He comes over after I've left to check on the house and grab his things. 11/28: He texts me Happy Thanksgiving. I respond with a funny story about my friend. 11/29: We exchange Thanksgiving story via text. Very friendly exchanges. 11/30: I return from my trip. Find his letter to me at the house. I call him to come over, and when I see him we hug and are friendly. I explain my changes of heart and desire to try. He seems frustrated and confused though he states the divorce is definite. We pray together. I try to push him to stay, but he decides to leave in the end. Says I need to let go and that I'm making things hard for him. 11/31: I write him a long "goodbye" type email where I validate his feelings, apologize for pushing, and reminisce. He does not respond. My mother also emails him unbeknownst to me (dammit). 12/1: He texts to ask how I am. I do not respond. He calls to ask about meeting to cash a check to pay our house payment for December. I do not answer the phone but respond to his voicemail via text. We agree to meet this Saturday. 12/2: No contact. 12/3: No contact so far.
So basically, I've seen him a handful of times since he left on 11/15, but we've had a lot of contact. At Cheryl's advice, I'm going semi-dark and am stopping pursuing.
Thanks so much for letting me go on and on and on. It really helps to have someone listening!
It says: "You doin' good? Thought I'd see how u and cow [our dog] are doing."
Hmmmm, should I respond MUCH later tonight or not respond at all? I don't want him to feel ignored, and Cheryl said I should be friendly but distracted, so maybe I should reply a bit later? At least it looks like going dark is working a little bit in the sense that he's initiating. Hmmmm......
