Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[Jayce]

Hi, Diane & everyone else......I'm still here.....

Besides holiday & shopping & trying to get out to the stable, I got called in to work. Up at 4:30 to open the place at 6. Never sleep well the nite B4, now exhausted, one more day to go. I've got to pack my breakfast & get to bed, but I wanted to see how all of you are doing.

H never said anything about the cigars, so I eventually did. Don't know if its can't, won't or don' wanna, but I'm sure I'll find 'em again some time in the future. He doesn't say much when I talk about the damage from apnea. I read him the list. (I go with facts & logic)Last week he appeared to "get it" - or believe what I'm telling him. Not as crabby about it anyway. The Sun B4 Thanksgiving, he got totally blasted while I was out. He did that once in July, freaked me out. Go on, fry your brain, your ba**s, who cares? He'd been talking to bro on phone, wonder what they talked about that set him off. I took pix of him on my phone, emailed them to myself & printed them. He didn't remember me coming home & finding him half asleep, falling off the couch, bending his glasses....He did get into bed & slept a couple hours. When he woke up I was soaking in the tub & he came in to say HI & ask what time I got home, innocent as a baby. HE DIDN'T REMEMBER A THING!!! NOT EVEN WHEN I SHOWED HIM HIS GLASSES & THE PIX!! Scary. Not only that, he never has hangovers not even a headache. I hate him LOL -maybe if he did, he'd think twice B4 drinking. I'd love to get lit once in awhile, altho not that bad, but hangovers are like morning sickness & after 7 months of that w/all 3 kids.........noooooo waaaaaayyyyy!!!!!!

He worked a bunch of OT befor the holiday so didn't start the new machine till last Wed. Uses it evey nite, about 5 hours. Won't hear about the CT scan till the 11th. We shopped for a child who lives in a "home" on Sat. (Church has list of needy kids) H was having fun picking out little jeans & shirts,toys. Had lunch out & when we got home he wanted to have some fun in the sack then take a nap. WOOZERS! Usually its just "nap" & no fun. This is the first time I've felt like he really wanted to rather than just doing it to keep me from freaking or whatever. Last couple times, no pill & things worked pretty well. He still won't talk tho. Just says "I don't talk". He's read a little more of the book. Hope he gets why I'd like to at least hear him react when he comes.

He'll be done w/the ACPAP 2-week trial on the 10th, then they'll know what changes his regular one needs. He didn't take naps over the weekend. Maybe the thing is doing its job. Hope so.

Diane, I think both our guys have characteristics they may never "grow" out of. I'm going to keep trying, but he may never talk much about or during sex. I'll never know whether one experience was better than another or mind blowing, or lousy. I just keep asking. Maybe he'll surprise me & try it one day.

Your guy, on the other hand, may never have grown past 10 or 11 yrs old. Because of abuse to him & whatever he saw & heard his parents doing/fighting about he could have just shut down or shut out any thoughts about sex if it was part of the chaos. Without therapy of some kind, he may never be able to get past it. Keep insisting he read the book as agreed. (Maybe write down what you agree on & both of you sign & date it). Insist on more communication than phone calls, altho that may be all he can do. If he's hoping it'll blow over as in the past, and you let it drop, he'll never attempt to change in the future.

"Getting Through to the Man You Love" has a lot of insight into why we keep doing the same things & getting the same results. Maybe your library has a copy. It helped me to 'reorganize' getting across what I need and getting some cooperation instead of stonewalling. When I stick to the plan, he's pretty nice. I know he's tired of fighting and wrecking weekends. (Takes 2 to make a fight...maybe he's realized he can't be flying off the handle all the time). Guys don't handle change well. Besides having to start thinking about sex again, he has bad health habits that are catching up to him that he knows he should have changed years ago.

In a way you're asking your H to change his whole attitude about how to live his life. (bigger than smoking, drinking & fatty food!)His partner has needs he never took into consideration and she does not share his values in that regard. He may be afraid to try for fear he can't do it. None of us know how to help him or motivate him, but as long as you pleasantly and firmly continue to insist he try, he can't duck it this time. Pleasant & firm isn't a fight, not even an argument. Shouldn't be scary.

I hope you can relax and enjoy the party. What if you are pleasant, happy, not seeming to be watching him, & waiting. Pretend its a fun evening and you know you'll be together later. As though you have faith in him to do as you'd like. Maybe with "Mrs. Sunshine" and no obvious pressure, he'll be OK. You already know the other way doesn't work. He might be thinking about giving you the good time you'd like, but dreading your anger. Wait & see. You can always do the reminding before you leave if you have to. Good luck. I'll be thinking about you, keeping my fingers crossed.
J