You mentioned that you think your H is an alcoholic, or at least has some "issues" around alcohol. What you describe about his "martyr" personality would certainly fit, but I don't see anything here about his drinking. Has it come up in conversation? What does he think about his drinking?
Luckily, my H is sober again and "only" had a brief one-week relapse back in March (the only time he has drank since we have been together.) He is attending AA regularly and is establishing his sobriety day by day.
Best of luck to you. Piecing is so very hard, isn't it? It sounds like you are definitely trying very hard to be honest and to communicate your feelings as they happen. You are also trying to be very accomodating in a loving way. I'm sure he's trying, too, but it is probably harder for him. Not an excuse, but an explanation.
