BTW your thread seems to be locked out. Could it be it has got too long - LOL
Quote: Like you said, your H just sees the "passive" side. But the aggression is there in CJ's case in "not doing stuff" as promised, in your H's case as playing the martyr and poisoning everyone else's good spirits.
This is so true, the martyr thing is a big part of his personality and SUCH a pain. I have been trying to do more to highlight when he is being a pain to me - instead of as in the past just ignoring it, skating over it, or trying to be pleasant and cheerful over his bad mood. These have been my strategies since long ago discovering that finding out what's wrong is nigh impossible - until much later when he will throw it in my face and act like I should have known.
Now I just say, stop playing the martyr, or please don't be sarcastic or whatever it is that he is doing.
Quote: Yes your H does need to take ownership of his feelings, and VOICE them. I know CJ's excuse for the past was that he felt he couldn't because of how I'd react. I don't think they should lay it ALL on us!!
Too true! Yesterday H went out with his diving club but got back earlier than expected which was great. My brother was over here and my kids and sister's kid were splashing around in the inflatable pool, while bro was using my computer.
H phoned to say he was coming home sooner than expected. Then sure enough turned up, to welcome home and pleasant greetings from us all. I explained what my B was up to, H was fine. H started eating biscuits so I told him there was cold roast chicken in the fridge if he was hungry. He said - yeah starving, I'll make myself a sandwich.
H then sets about laying out all his dive gear on the lawn and getting S(4) to help him hose it down. Next he disappears - I guess to shower etc.
Meanwhile B asks for my help (he is totally clueless on computer). I say hang on and call up to H to ask him if he's in the shower. He is, so I ask B to wait b/c kids are still in pool and I need to watch them. B is fine with this.
About 20 minutes later I ask B to watch kids while I go up to check on H. I can see through hole in bathroom door (LOL) that he is getting dried, so I say: Hon when you're ready would you mind watching the kids a little so I can help my brother. He says OK.
B and I are quickly finished, so we go back outside etc. But I can tell there is a little minor tension going on with H. He has that weary put-upon look on his face. Anyhow I make something for kids to eat and then B and nephew leave.
H finally starts making himself sandwich while I bath kids and do bedtime routine. He eats some of it, then tells me he is saving the rest so we can sit down and have something together.
That's what we do, then start getting flirty . Asks me to go up and put on underwear he bought for my birthday while he tidies downstairs. I mention that S(4) is in our bed and start talking a little about the fuss he was making about settling down. H suddenly says, I hate the way the conversation always comes back to the kids, I hate never getting any sex. Where did that come from? We had sex on Tuesday, this is Sunday how is that never? Since he came back home we have been getting it together a couple times a week at least. I try not to get defensive about it and go upstairs feeling miffed. I pick up DR and page falls open on Act As If. I think about it hard, try and remember flirty feelings before he sparked off. Then I change and lie on bed seductively.
Anyway you can guess next bit
Afterwards I ask H, how often he needs sex to feel OK. He says everyday. That is a big lie - I'm sorry it is. Before kids when I would have been MORE than happy to get it on with him everyday I was lucky to get 2 or 3 times a MONTH. In between Tuesday and Sunday I had my period, he knew this because he wanted to know why I had knickers on in bed. Anyway I just played along and said: everyday huh? is that once everyday or twice everyday. He said, oooh twice. We both knew we were kidding by this point.
I asked him why he had seemed a bit tense about minding kids. He said it was because he was starving and just wanted to get on and make his sandwich. He said that I just ordered him downstairs without saying please I discussed with him that I thought I had been asking politely by saying when you are ready, but that if to him hearing the word please rather than any other polite turn of phrase is what works then I will try and remember to use it in future.
Everything STILL seems to be all my fault. He came in the house starving, so why didn't he get straight on with making sandwich? Why did he mess around with dive gear, shower etc first. Why did he not say when I asked him to watch kids that he'd like to make his sandwich first? It is so much about VOICING what he wants.
Anyhow this morning I got up and found kitchen complete mess he had not tidied, or even put cold chicken back in fridge - GRRRRR. So he was obviously still miffed after his little outburst and thought he had blown it for sex
This NEEDS work. Where do we start?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
. Asks me to go up and put on underwear he bought for my birthday while he tidies downstairs. I mention that S(4) is in our bed and start talking a little about the fuss he was making about settling down. H suddenly says, I hate the way the conversation always comes back to the kids, I hate never getting any sex. 
Where did that come from? We had sex on Tuesday, this is Sunday how is that never? Since he came back home we have been getting it together a couple times a week at least. I try not to get defensive about it and go upstairs feeling miffed. I pick up DR and page falls open on Act As If. I think about it hard, try and remember flirty feelings before he sparked off. Then I change and lie on bed seductively.
