Good stuff, Fran!

A code phrase, I think we'll borrow that idea! Smoother still!

And GREAT news about the car!!!

Yes your H does need to take ownership of his feelings, and VOICE them. I know CJ's excuse for the past was that he felt he couldn't because of how I'd react . I don't think they should lay it ALL on us!!

Plus now I STILL have to pull stuff out of him and he KNOWS I can handle pretty much anything by now!!!

And yes, the passive aggression thing is a huge PAIN IN THE A$$!!! CJ will deny it to his last breath...I guess he just doesn't get that it's largely unconscious, not deliberate...thus harder for him to recognize as such.

Like you said, your H just sees the "passive" side. But the aggression is there in CJ's case in "not doing stuff" as promised, in your H's case as playing the martyr and poisening everyone else's good spirits.

Now the GREAT thing is... you came up with a simple solution to one aspect of all of this! ...such things can build into a whole set of communication skills that will WORK!!!!

Now perhaps you need a follow up line for "It's fine if you want to go, I'm staying!"

Shiny