You sound pretty good in your posts. That is good news. These situations are so trying that anytime we are doing even passably well, I think that is a success.
Beth, Yes, things are better. I realize now that even though the marriage had problems including those that I caused, it takes two people to work things out. I do want my wife back, but I am reaching the detachment phase. I've got a great support group including all you guys. I'm staying in the present...and I do have D7. She is the light of my life.
Don't be surprised if your wife starts getting angry at you for no apparent reason. With her OM fix gone, she'll start taking it out on you without realizing it.
That's what my W was doing, then I put my foot down and told her I was not going to be the source of her anger anymore. On the boards we talk alot about validating our S. That should happen but up to a certain point. Many boarders tend to let their S treat them like doormats and so they get away with anything.
For my W, once I explained to her that I was not the sole source of her anger and gave her space to contemplate things, she would change into the nicest person around.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh yeah and don't totally rely on the C changing your W mind about dropping the OM. That is still something SHE will decide to do. That's why I say you need to show her you're the BETTER man and not the BITTER man.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Stuck, yes, but I think she is just biding her time right now. Only time will tell. I think the depression she has been going through the last few weeks may be part of the withdrawal. Hard to know for sure. She is farther away now than before.
I've actually begun to have a fuller life. I have great friends and family...and all of you guys.
Regarding the C...I've read a lot of threads here and have yet to find one that said a C (even a pro-marriage C.) helped. If anyone has had a positive outcome, please let me know.
Just wanted to make a comment regarding this statement b/c I have seen ones similar to show up in a lot of posts.
Quote:
She still maintains that the OM is only an EA. She is afraid that I will talk if I find out it is a PA.
I cannot understand the expression of "only an EA". Doesn't people realize that is a stepping stone to the PA? And, even if it did not get to the PA stage, she has still betrayed the M.
I am not throwing this at you, just making a statement in general for anyone that may read this. I am against people making friendships with the opposite sex that does not include the H. I am not saying that you cannot be a nice person and friendly toward others you come in contact with at work or wherever, but anytime that friendship becomes just the spouse and the OP and excludes your H/W, it is not appropriate. I know, I know......a lot of movies people watch does not back me up on that. I don't care. It is trouble waiting to happen. EA's are very, very serious....and especially to women b/c of the way her mind and soul work (too complicated to try to explain right now).
So to any man that thinks it is nothing serious unless it leads to a PA......you are in for a rude awakening. A lot can go on between a man and woman without ever making physical contact. If you suspect an EA, you better nip it in the bud or it will just be a matter of time until it goes beyound that. Like I said, this is just what I have seen stated by several people around the board.
As far as counselors helping the MR.......I have not had positive experiences with counselors, the few times I went. I do believe there are some good ones out there if they are pro-M, but it is a matter of finding them, which is hard. However, if the cheating spouse is not "willing" to be helped in finding their way back to a healthy R with their S, then in my personal opinion it "could" be a waste of time......unless the counselor is so wise that something is said that would really get the wayward spouse's eyes opened. I do not think I would fully depend upon a MC to get done what has to be done. The bottom line is that the wayward spouse has to "want" to stay or at the least...be "willing" to stay in the M. (Hey Puppy....have you noticed my adjective?) I base my reasoning due to when I found out how little training they have to have in order to qualify as a "counselor". Plus, I trusted my D to one, hoping he could help her deal with her disease and he was a sick sex weirdo. That was my first experience with them. Then one doctor wanted me to see one b/c he did not know what to do about my depression. Another bust. The last was one another doctor sent me to for my M. I told her up front all the bad things I had done where OM over the Internet was concerned and she said that was perfectly normal and I had done nothing wrong. Even in the mess I was in at the time, I had enough sense to realize that she was not the one that I needed, so I never went back. I did, however, begin to read some "eye opening" information and come here to this board.....and they sure opened my eyes. Of course, in the beginning I did not want to believe all they were telling me about my OM! But, I read more and more information to further get my eyes open and I had to face the truth. You see, even in the "fog" I was in......I had enough sense left to realize I needed help, but following the directions given to me after I found out the information.....that was the test.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I realize that the EA...actually two EAs (were the cause of the WAW.) W does not think she did anything wrong. I've told her differently and she does have some guilt for things she said, but she does not understand the EA impact on her. I am not convinced that a PA did not go on, but W claims not.
The MC we are using is pro-marriage and has read the DB books. I have already had IC with her. The C said that even if she told W directly what was going on, W would not believe her.
W came in from IC session tonight. She did not say much about the session. I think she will need to trust the C before she will open up and tell her anything. I think the best outcome will be that W will use the IC to talk about the M, instead of talking about it with OM.
You asked the counselor question...all I can tell you is that the counselor I had did NOTHING to keep my marriage and did EVERYTHING to just go with what I was feeling at the time. Psychologists, in my experience, just sit there and listen and let you lead the discussion and go with what you say. Like you said, I think what this counselor will do for your wife is give her someone to talk to, other than the OM, that will have a neutral (possibly pro-marriage) view. Then, hopefully, you BOTH use the counselor as you work to repair the marriage. She, ultimately, has the choice to make. Her free will. Keeping her away from OM completely is what it will take to go through the WD and have her start to see things clearly enough to work on the marriage.
wdid, thanks, she may be going through withdrawal. That may be the depression I was seeing. The phone and text messages to both OM have stopped. I don't know about email but if she stopped the texting and phone she probably stopped the email also.
Also wanted to ask you...she said she is scared of me. I've not ever threatened her. Sandi said if she was really scared of me she would not tell me. Any ideas...
