Losing our way?

[haphazard]

Thanks Nik and Shiny for your thoughful replies,
Well actually I am the eldest of 3 and H is the younger of 2 so bang goes that theory. I guess we are all pretty good at setting boundaries in my family except my mum - and even she is finally learning
Mind you what I have noticed about my mum and H and others who find it difficult is that when they do it they seem to do it in a very defensive manner. It's almost like some people go around in an inch thick plastic bubble and some people go around in a four foot thick bubble and the sensitive ones have no bubble at all but sometimes they put out these foot long spikes! Ouch.

Shiny I know what you mean about being like a guy and not being able to watch TV and listen at the same time - LOL. I do remember from childhood being able to say - yeah mum - completely on autopilot without missing a beat and not have ANY recall of what she had been saying to me. So maybe I still do it

So....how about telling your H that you're sorry you didn't take him aside and ask him what he wanted to do in private. Really, Fran, how hard would that have been? The apology or taking him aside? I guess I didn't apologise because I felt I HAD tried. Not in private because it really wasn't possible. The hosts couldn't use their car so we couldn't even confer in the car on the way back from the beach to theirs. I was aware that he wouldn't want me to steam-roller a decision which is why I tried to sound very non-committal and said err I don't know - what do you think we should do Ok I accept now that he felt he was being pushed into being the one to say no, but maybe he could have read better into the situation. Maybe saying something like: Well I'm feeling pretty crummy after that drive and we don't have a change of clothes, but if you'd like to I don't mind Something like that would have at least given me a clue

Assure him that this IS something you can change, and will. It is kind of a courtesy thing, that when CJ and I "bail" from an event, we make it look like a mutual decision...or at times one of us will leave, while the other heads home...no problem. Now that is exactly what I wish H would have done, just headed home if he didn't fancy it. He says he couldn't do that because it would have left me stuck with the kids but why didn't he just ask me? I would really not have minded.

So I guess I'll end with suggesting that perhaps you empathize a bit with the stress these situations bring your H...I KNOW it's stress of his own making!!!...But it is SOOO unpleasant, and there are some concessions you can make to help him with it.

I will try to empathize more with his stress Shiny. I don't know I feel I already do quite a bit and the other thing is he thinks he's being a people pleaser but he's not because his bad mood when he is putting up with stuff is just as upsetting to people as if he just said no thanks and left. That is what me feel sooo angry about the whole episode. I guess he really doesn't know how bad he can make people feel while he's trying not to make them feel bad. Very passive agressive. I guess he thinks he's just passive.

The thing that rankles most is that he is making ME responsible for his happiness. I was the one that should have mind-read and realised and made it easy for him. I tried, I really tried. When I asked him in the morning (in private) if he just wanted to go home he still just said - whatever. He still needed me to say I completely understand what's going on in your head, I empathise and I am going to give you what you need. I need him to take ownership of his own moods. Why can't he just have said - yes I do - instead of whatever. That answer just made me angry and made me decide to give up trying and do what I wanted.

He said he hates it when I try to coax out of him what's wrong. I tried to point out that I can tell something is wrong but I can't always tell what. I can't understand this not wanting to say what's wrong. Expecting me to just know. I think this is an unrealistic expectation of his. I guess I didn't validate much in our discussion. I did a little, I was more aware of the need to than in the past. But it is something that I feel really strongly about that HE needs to change and I felt I really needed to be able to put my points across to him. When he moved back home he said something about needing to be more assertive and finally realising that he is the one responsible for his own happiness. I can't tell you how pleased I was to hear that from him, so I guess I feel a little disappointed that he hasn't made it over the first hurdle.


Fran