Thanks, I now what you mean. I have become a lot more empathetic as a result of this and the kindness shown to me by all of the people here, including you.
I have also noticed chinks in the armor of couples I once thought had it all. Once one goes through something like this and then notices all of the things one could do better in a relationship, the way others behave around each other becomes a lot more revealing than they realize.
Got to find a way to distract myself tonight and try to restore a little PMA.
I know I haven't been around in the last couple of weeks or so, and I apologize. I've read through your new thread and really need to get back to your last one so I can catch up with how your Thanksgiving went.
Reading through this thread, however, was just amazing to me because I understand so much of what you are going through. I, too, took off my wedding band, right around the time you did. I'm still a little uncomfortable without it, as I have been wearing it for over 12 years now and I almost feel unfaithful to my husband just taking it off.
However, I took it off because even though it represented to me my OWN commitment to my H, it was just one more thing that was keeping me from moving toward detachment. As long as it was on my finger, I kept thinking of him as my H, and it hindered my patience with the process we are going through.
Taking off my ring does not mean that I am any less committed to my H and our M than I was before, or that I am looking to date someone else. All it means is that I recognize the reality of the current situation. I guess I had already stopped looking at my ring as a symbol from my husband, so maybe that's why I am actually doing okay with it off right now (not good, but okay).
While I took my little "sabbatical", I thought about you and the others here often. I just had to take a break because I felt that I was obsessing and I really needed to break that cycle and start GAL. I think I'm getting to the beginning stages of that now. Plus, even though I was receiving amazing advice and support, I was starting to feel like a real failure because I wasn't sure I would be able to follow ANY of it. I just needed some time to sort things out.
Anyway, I really hope you are having a good day. I agree with what Sandi said about you being a smart person, and I too hope you will be around here for a long time. You have always been able to make me feel like I was not alone, and for that I thank you.
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like a bit of a fraud. I could not leave my rings off, I just could not do it. It affected my mood too much. I guess that means I am just not ready so I listened to that feeling.
You have nothing for which to apologize. I missed you but certainly understand your reasons.
I am so glad to know that I have made you feel you are not alone. You have offered me that same kindness. And you are not alone. I am here and will probably be here for quite some time. (Actually, my hope is to be a DB success story but then stick around to talk with people.) I know we have not met, but I feel that we form real friendships here.
My H once told me that the friends I made in law school will be friends for life because we were "in the trenches together" as it were. I think that applies to these boards, too. If ever we were in the trenches, it is most certainly now. The people here helping and fighting beside us really affect me. I would not be in the shape I am in right now without the people here. This includes you!
Do not beat yourself up about the rings. It is something that is definitely a personal choice. Not only do I continue to wear my rings, I have started to wear my DH's, too. It started off with my wearing it to church on Sundays--to, in some small way, take him there, too--and one week I forgot to take it off afterward. My mom made a snarky comment about it once, but has since not brought it up again. My dream is to be able to take it off my finger and put it on his on the pier when he comes home next spring. I am praying for it and speaking it. If you pray for anyone else's sitch, maybe you could add that one in every now and again?
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Thank you so much for your support, it helps. I will absolutely keep a good thought for you and your H!
I have been struggling with a dilemma about the rings. If I have another meeting with H, I am tempted to take them off for the meeting. My thinking is that maybe his seeing them on my finger puts pressure on the situation that we could do without. The dilemma, is that, of course, it would not really be honest. Also, I think it might spark a R conversation and we have only had one meeting without a R talk.
I tried to take my ring off too. I realized that I'm still married and want my W to see that I have not moved on...still on my finger.
I also don't want to answer all the questions that come up at work. Funny how all the guys won't ever notice and the first woman will notice right away. Have you guys noticed that?
I tried to take my ring off too. I realized that I'm still married and want my W to see that I have not moved on...still on my finger.
I struggled with this concept when I took my ring off last Friday. What pushed me to take it off and keep it off (so far) was that my H was the one who encouraged me to stop thinking of him right now as my H. It was very hard for me to hear him say that, but the reality of the situation is that even though we are still legally married, he does not think of us that way right now. Right or wrong, that's the reality of it.
I've told my H so many times that I am still commited to him and our M, so actually taking off my ring is a 180 for me. It doesn't mean my commitment has changed, but it does signify a shift in my thinking. Still not sure if he has noticed that I'm not wearing it, but it has helped me to shift my focus a little off of him and our R, and onto myself and what I need to do for ME, to give myself back a little self-respect.
At some point I may decide to put the ring back on, even if H doesn't, but my feeling at this point is that it will remain off until/unless we both recommit to our M and we both put our rings back on.
I think wearing/not wearing our rings is a highly personal decision, and not one to be taken lightly. Our rings are so symbolic, that whether or not we wear them has such an impact on us emotionally. Don't feel bad about putting your rings back on Beth. You are not a fraud. Tomorrow, next week, next month, I may just slip that ring back on my finger whether H is back with me or not. For the moment, it's working for me. Do what works, toss the rest.
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
LHS Right to the point...'Do what works, toss the rest.' Ring is really a personal choice. I took mine off because my W is not my W now. She doesn't have me nor I have her.... Putting the ring back will be my goal....until then it is off. It helps me to detach which lots of us here need.
Beth Please don't sweat too much on the ring. At least you shouldn't have to worry about it until the next meeting is confirmed. Focus on the moment because we just simply don't know the future.
Continue to grow on PMA...
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
