Nik, why is it that we don't hear them the first time? Is it because we are not paying attention and why is that? I think I am quite a focused person and I focus on my needs and listen to others as a secondary activity. This keeps me on balance, I don't get knocked off center very easily but it is obviously hard for others to deal with. I do not do it on purpose I just do it. On the whole I feel I am a naturally happy well-grounded balanced person that doesn't get depressed or uptight about stuff easily, but the price I pay for this is being called thick-skinned.
In the discussion we had last night he mentioned that one of the friends we met on the weekend put her point across repeatedly until people started to listen but she didn't lose her cool just kept saying what she wanted to say until someone finally heard her. He said it annoys him when people don't listen to each other. I said, I feel that those of us who don't appear to listen really don't do it on purpose and maybe those who are more sensitive should try to be understanding of our disability (like if I was actually deaf he might bother to learn to sign). So if I don't hear him the first time maybe he can just patiently repeat himself without getting sarcastic. I know how he feels b/c S(4) is just like that completely deaf and you have to repeat yourself 10 times before he responds. I just find it funny and talk louder saying HELLO ANYONE HOME but with humour not rancour. Maybe because I know where S is coming from. He is just in his own space and not letting others bother him.
H is also sensitive to others feelings in a way that I feel is detrimental to him. Maybe over-sensitive is the word. he said he felt like he was doing all the work with the kids at the weekend because our female friend was uptight about kids wrecking stuff in the house and I didn't seem to care about stopping them. My feelings were, she is just being uptight and kids must be kids, however I wasn't letting them wreck the place, far from it, I just felt like there were certain things she needn't get so uptight about - like the fridge magnets for crying out loud. At the end of the day it boiled down to me feeling like I had control of my kids and respect for her but that I had a right to set the boundaries in a reasonable place not just where she wanted them set. H doesn't see it like that and thinks because it's her house we should abide by her boundaries. This is the difference between the two of us. When boundaries are set I set them in a place which is OK for me but takes some account of the other person's feelings. H does not set boundaries he just does what the other person wants and then feels stressed. I know I always feel stressed if I am not able to set my boundaries and end up just being down-trodden by the other person but I have natural in-built boundary setting antenna he just doesn't seem to. My sister and father are both much stronger at setting boundaries and seem to take little if any account of others. Maybe how I perceive them is how H perceives me Don't know what I can do with this part of my personality?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
