I decided to start a new thread since I haven't been on the board for a couple of weeks. Just no time, and I guess we have been coasting along quite nicely.
My Birthday was last week and H made me a nice celebration meal. I also had presents and cards from H and the kids and breakfast in bed in the morning. So I felt special and pampered it was nice. Anyway during evening when we were enjoying our meal H started talking about wanting us to have a renewal of vows on our wedding anniversary. I smiled at him but I think I said aren't you being a bit previous? He said what do you mean, but I didn't really say anything more. Didn't want to spoil the mood of the evening. I asked H where is wedding ring was because I'd like to put it back on him. He had to confess it was lost. When he dumped OW she took all his suits. His wedding ring was in inside zip pocket of one of his suits where he thought it would be safe. The tears just rose up and fell out of my eyes, I couldn't help it. I just couldn't even say anything for a while. But I composed myself and tried to look to the future instead of the past. I said we should both get new ones and they should represent our new marriage.
Anyway over the next few days I was thinking about why it felt wrong to me to have a renewal of vows. I just don't feel ready yet for that. I think the DBing and piecing has been working but I still feel that most of the work has been from my side that I still haven't had a chance to open up about my issues with him while I have been working on his issues with me. We need to take the next step so we are both working on this together. I know he wants to so how do we take that next step? Should I ask him to read some of the books (e.g. DB/DR) Or what about MC? I guess we do need it especially after this weekend.
The weekend, where to start? it felt like the old M back again. On Saturday H's bro had asked him to drive down to the coast with him in the Lotus Elise (this car is a whole other story which is a big strain on our M). It was some charity London-Brighton run. So he decided to go and suggested I go down separately and meet up with them. We have friends with a house down there so we all agreed to meet up and spend a day at the beach. So that's what we did and we had a good time and had a bbq on the beach. As the afternoon started to turn to evening friends invited us to stay over and spend time on the beach Sunday as well. I was cool with it but not sure if H would be so I said <<I don't know, what do you think?>>. Later this turned out to be me putting him on the spot and making him out as the miserable one that just wants to go home
Anyway we got back to their place. H seemed a little grumpy, said he was tired. Kids wouldn't settle down so I suggested we just keep them up and all go to bed together since we were tired anyway. We all had to share one kingsize bed.
Next morning kids get up usual ungodly hour. So I get up with them. Man of house gets up too and we make breakfast while spouses snooze (these two are both Librans and very alike! LOL)
Eventually woman of house gets up. Starts nagging everyone about nothing (that's just her way, I am used to it). Eventually, evenutally H gets up. He is in foul mood. I am putting it down to bad nights sleep with kids in bed with us but not sure. By this time kids are fractious and want to head for beach. S(4) says he wants to go home. As friends are both out of earshot I say to H - Do you want to go home? Thinking this is a good opportunity for him to say yes as he quite clearly is not up for another fun day on the beach. He just says - whatever. I say whatever is not an answer, tell me what you want to do. He says nothing.
So by this point I just decide to make the best of it. Let him get on with being miserable. If he can't actually voice what it is he wants then how can I do that for him. maybe he will cheer up when he gets out of his sleep fog and we are all chilling out at the beach.
I felt really angry with thim though. Vent a bit to friend. She says she knows she can be a monster without sleep and H is probably the same, just to let him be.
Had an OK day, H handled it OK, bit of a short fuse but not too bad. Hardly said two words to each other on 2 hour drive home.
Felt bad about everything all day monday. H was at work and then went out for evening. Stayed out v. late. I texted an ILY during the day (act as if).
Last night was our salsa night, had a good time and when we got back and had a bite to eat I raised the issue of how the weekend had gone. I just started by saying <<how can we stop what happened at the weekend from happening again, I felt like we were back in the old R>> He said me too. We talked about it, he blamed me. I should not have put him on the spot to be the one who had to decide whether to go or stay. If I realised what a bad mood he was in then why did I not realise what the problem was and suggest we go home. I tried to point out that I had suggested we went home. But he said that would have meant that he left me stuck with the kids. I said, well OK but if you said I am not enjoying being here I want to go home then I could have said one of two things: OK lets all go home OR OK have a good time, we'll stay for a bit. But you would have got what you wanted and I would have been OK too. We talked some more generally about how we communicate. He is still in old style I feel but I was proud of myself for not reverting to my old style too much. Although he accused me of it I could tell it was different and that was just him being in his rut still. Finally I said, I think all our arguments have been about the same thing. You saying LISTEN and me saying BE MORE CLEAR. I started to cry then because a thought occurred to me. I told him it was as if we are always trying to communicate down a crackly trans-continental phone line and the conversation goes: I love you What? I said I love you Can't hear you - shout I AM SHOUTING No you're not I AM you just don't listen etc etc
So anyway, I don't know if we resolved much, a little I think. It was late by this time (1 am) we went upstairs and ML which was good. But I still woke up with a knot in my stomach and feeling things aren't right and not knowing how to make them right.
Yesterday, before this whole discussion I phoned an old friend who I haven't seen since her wedding 15 years ago and we are planning to visit. She said I'm looking forward to meeting your H. I thought afterwards how I don't really feel proud of H. How I don't ever feel like showing him off to people
Sorry bad PMA today
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
