Thats my stand, I thought I had that point through on my last post. My thing about seeing more of it since church was a sarcastic remark to my self. Yes the farther I get, the wider the view, the more I will see and hear. I choose to hear, but not listen, I choose my fight and I am here doing it. I have more tools and "weapons" now, today. I have things in my head. Something clicked with the D17 having to go to the docs and then the hospital. What i thought was most important, wasn't, what I thought was important is the most importanat and my energy needs to be there.

Yes way too much. I think the holidays have too many people pitying me, I don't like it much at all. I am fine really. I am sounding here and taking your advice as Gospel, I mean it. You know me by now and you know which way I am moving. Again, I post things that disturb me so they can be gone from me. tha is why I asked about the journaling. I feel better seeing it in print, it is down and done. It no longer requeires a place in my head.

Every time I move forward i expect a blow. But as I posted, something truly has clicked. I don't know if its because of Sunday. I believe it is. I believe my signs are clear. The uncertainty in my head after Thanksgiving, Church and the situation with my D17. She was, I bleive reaching out for atention with her actions. And I believe she was looking to see who it would be. there was obviously no doubt in her mind who it was goiing t be. But it did establish in my head things i am neglecting while paining for the W to get out of her fog. today with the D17 and her problem made me feel very good about myself. I felt very connected to her. She looked at me like the big man I am to her. I don't know if you know that look, but it is very endearing.

Yeah, I'm doing it right and I think I have been for a while. thanksgiving was good, but its over. Again, if she is with him,there are no signs from her. end of story, turn the page. I feel real good right now and will try to stay out of the wind. I understand that for every step forward I take, something or someone wants to push me back. For every time she gets hit with something contradictory to her decision or situation, she tries to justify her actions in her mind. I know all of this. It doesn't hurt any less, so I let it roll.

Its been great with my kids for the past two weeks, no talk about their mother, at all. If they offer something I tell them I don't want to hear it. Haven't talked to the MIL for over two weeks.

Now you understand why I am telling everyone i don't want to hear it. Like in my previous post, when am I the most happy, when i don't see her, hear from her or about her.

I am stihled to this and committed in my fight. going to church is my exclamation point. I don't care what anyone says, especially her. her words are mixed, she is not rational, as you also indicated, so there is nothing to judge. Believe it or not I really am good. Just throwing thoughts today. No one appreciates your feed back more than me. sometimes I am looking for my own validation, you are always there to give to me. Love you for that.....