Losing Ground but turning around

[ba065]

Thanks Upside & Essie!

I am trying to keep a positive outlook...sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me from going insane myself.

I do have many, many blessings in my life to be thankful for...sometimes I just forget that.

We had a good Thanksgiving with D home....she was home for almost a week. She left to go back to school on Saturday. Then the "real" H re-appeared and became the horrible ogre that I see routinely. He is so good at acting as if...I should take lessons from him! Saturday and Sunday were horrible. He would be fine one minute and raving mad the next...yelling, throwing things...acting like a 2 year old. He even stormed out of the house both days....was gone several hours and reappeared....It is really pathetic....and if I can step outside the sitch and watch, it can be quite comical. As you can imagine, trying to talk reason doesn't work...and I have noticed that alot of the anger is no longer directed at me directly, it's the sitch, the job, the financials, the whole picture that has him tied in knots. One minute he can cope with "life" just fine....the next he falls apart. The abuse that he suffered as a child (that I knew nothing about until September) is really taking a toll on him...the self esteem issues he has really appear to stem from that incident.

He had IC yesterday...came home and took me out to dinner. When we got home, we called S....and called his parents about Christmas....then he went upstairs....I figured our evening was over so I started watching a program on TV....then all of sudden, he throws two pillows and a big blanket over the railing from upstairs. My first thought was ok....now he's going to sleep down here instead of in the guest room...but instead he came down, moved the coffee table, started a fire in the fireplace and we layed down on the floor and just talked. He talked alot about the C and what they had discussed. He told me that the C told him that he has so many issues to deal with (from his childhood, to his job, to our current issues) that there is no way he can make an informed decision on anything in his state of mind....she told him this is going to take time...that he needs to quit looking at the big picture and focus on one thing at a time. Funny, I have been saying that for over a year....but he listens to her. So, while I'm feeling that the end is probably near...and am coming to terms with that....and while I'm also thinking maybe an ultimatum from me is coming....I'm thrown again for a loop by him telling me that the C says he needs to take his time.

My sitch is like so many others here...H is not emotionally able to make a decision right now...he thinks he is...but when it comes down to it, he can't....really can't! He wants to be with MOW...but can't because she's married and supposedly won't leave her H. So in his opinion his choice is to be alone and miserable without her...or to stay with me and be miserable without her. Funny how he doesn't think that moving on and getting over a R that isn't possible doesn't enter his head....maybe someday he will think of that one?!

I'll quit rambling.....sorry.....

Hugs all!

BA