Please send me good karma!!....I'm gonna need it!

[Silent Chrleader]

Yesterday, I had another melt down with H. We were on the ferry riding home sitting in the car and H's cell rang and he answered and then jumped out of the car to take the call "privately". Doesn't take Einstein to guess it was OW. When he got back into car, I lost it. I told him that it was absolute BS that he feels so "pressured" by any phone conversation with me, but she calls and he's all there for her! I know this is par for the course in MLC, and he said it "wasn't that way" and that he was not going to talk to her in front of me, and that they still have contact because she is still doing some work for him because he still doesn't have a new secretary. I told him that people who hide something usually have something to hide! He said that he could have told me it was somebody else, but he didn't. He told me it was her. {He does have a point there}.

I did cry a little but most of the conversation I was angry! I told him that unless he can bend even a little when we are supposedly "working on things and seeing if we can re-build", we will never get anywhere. He said he knew that, but he wasn't ready to talk yet. He said he only wants to think of himself. I asked him if he could even imagine his boss (who is a "good christian man" who H really respects) or his best friend (who would do anything for anybody!) ever saying something like that? He said "that kind of talk doesn't work with me". I told him I can't build a relationship by myself, and I can't decide if he is someone I even want a relationship with and I've often thought I should just file for divorce. He said he understood that.

H said that the weekend was hard for him because even on the days when I thought I hadn't had "heavy talk", he feels pressure just sitting on the couch with me because he knows that I want him to hold my hand and he doesn't feel he can say "no". [I should note that ANY touching I did was light and that I asked if it was a problem and he said "no".] He said he just wasn't ready to talk about any of this yet, and I asked if he thought he ever would get there, if he ever imagined himself getting there? He said he imagined himself wanting to want to.

In the long run, he didn't run and slam the door behind him (and I gave him ample reason). I am paraphrasing here and hitting the hi-lites of the conversation, otherwise this would be a novel. He also said that he doesn't feel comfortable touching me because he feels ashamed of himself and doesn't like who he has become. I thought that was interesting.

In the end, I told him I absolutely do NOT want to chase (I've always done that) and I don't want to "drive" (he says I'm still doing that). I told him I want him to step up and let me know what he really is feeling and thinking eventually. I have pretty much said all I could and that I'm OK for waiting a while longer for him to take his journey, and I am OK for going SLOW! But I do have some small needs too and I will voice those as best I can as they come up. For now, I told him that I need a kiss on the cheek for hello, goodbye, good morning and good night, and a holding of the hand occaisionally (not all the time, not even necessarily half, but some of the time. I wanted that from him! And I will not initiate anything from my side at all! He said he thought he could be just fine with that and would endeavor to meet those needs. And then, before he left home last night, he gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye.

It seems so strange to "negotiate" such things as this, and I know I'll be getting 2x4s, but I don't feel this was a setback really. But then I'm pretty good at fooling myself.......