Okay, the BF wasn't at the game last night so the weirdness factor was not there. X FIL actually came in and sat down next to me wanting to chat it up. Said he wanted to sit with the "non-crazy" people. At the end of the game he called me over and told me a story about my son, Josh, telling him that the saddest day of his life was when Mom & Dad got a divorce. X FIL actually teared up a bit himself. I guess that was his way of telling me that he is sad too. He's a gruf old bastard but I guess he was trying.
Fair enough. I will definitely think about everything you have said and evaluate my relationship with my 29 yo "friend".
I personally think you may have been a bit harsh on me and that you took some of the things I said (occurring to me) in the wrong manner. However, for about 60-75% you are probably right. I should sit down and talk to her about her expecations and how they line up with my own.
So what's became of your wife asking if you should date or if you miss her? Has that dried up? Has she stopped being a slutty barfly?
I'd like to chime in about the 29 year old friend. I disagree with whitelight about all of that. She's a grown woman. If what you are offering isn't enough, then she can skedattle. But breaking it off solely because you aren't on the same page at the moment is silly. You might come around and you might be the happiest couple ever. I do think that it is a little telling that you haven't introduced her that much into your life. You're divorced dude...bringing your FF to games and such, even if your XW is there isn't weird, it's a fact of life. People move on. Yes, I bring my current wife to events where my XW is. I brought her when she was a gf. It's part of the territory of being a divorced person.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Yes, she stopped with all of that, I assume about the time she met her current BF. And another yes, it would appear that her current relationship is keeping her out of the bars. As far as I am concerned, and I've told her this, it is FANTASTIC! If I don't have to listen to the kids complain about their Mom stumbling in at 4AM, juggling mutliple guys, acting like White Trash, etc, etc, it is a VERY good thing! I fully expect her current relationship to tank at some point and she might get back to doing the same stuff, but maybe I'll be wrong. All I know is that this is the 3rd guy she has been "in love" with since we separated a year ago.
Thanks for the chime on the 29 yo friend. I felt like I've expressed my sitch to her. I was thinking what you said. I mean she is a great girl, a great catch, who knows where this might go. I don't... I have been very sensitive to the feelings of all the women I have dated and I think that shows by the fact that I'm still friends with all of them. If I were being an insensitive jerk, I'm sure someone would have called me out on that by now.
I have been introducing her into my life with the sole exception of my kids. I've been introducing her to my friends, spoken about her to my Father, brother, etc. I would have zero qualms about bringing her into a sitch where I knew my X would be either. I've even told my kids the name of the person I've been dating. What I haven't done is bring her into their lives at all. Their Mom has put them through some life-changing stuff over the last year and this sudden intro of the new BF is just the latest. I do not want to contribute to this by doing the same from my side right now. I'll take it slow and fly very low. I have made up my mind that I won't be introducing them to anyone, at least not an introduction in the capacity of "this is my girlfriend", until I KNOW that there is a distinct possibility that things could become serious.
I have spoken with this in length w/ GF29. I explained everything and I know she understands. Her BFF is 42, divorced, and has 3 kids and thinks the same as me. At some point the time will be right for my kids to meet someone from my side, but the time isn't now. My kids need to heal a little bit more before then. I can delay things on my side until then. For their eyes, I don't need to be "Dad that can get a girlfriend", I just need to be "Dad". The need some consistency in their lives.
In defense of Whitelight... some of that I do need to consider. This is definitely a different dynamic, dealing w/ someone much younger, never been married, no kids, etc.
I get where you are coming from. I have to remember that you are really new to divorce and such. I didn't date anyone for like 3 years after separation; so it wasn't so much of an issue. I wouldn't introduce my kids rapidly to anyone either, if I were you.
As long as you've been pretty upfront on what you are ready for in terms of a relationship, then I'm not sure how much further you can take it. Obviously this "friend" may want children down the line (have you asked her?) and you might have feelings about that also. If she asks, be forthcoming about your willingness to have kids, in generic terms, but anything to gf specific kind of gives the notion that she's more to you than she really is.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I do not want to contribute to this by doing the same from my side right now.
it isn't rocket science is it? I wonder why stbx is so clueless about this. I'm glad you will wait it out and see where the R goes before your kids meet gf, there are decent men left in this world after all...
[quote]! If I don't have to listen to the kids complain about their Mom stumbling in at 4AM, juggling mutliple guys, acting like White Trash, etc, [quote] and I thought I had problems with stbx's gf...
I know that stbx ruined it for me for the next 3yrs at least (well, not that im in a hurry or anything) but I dont' think I'll date in the next 2yrs at least, and if I do my kids wont' meet unless it is very serious. Someone has to give them a good example.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for checking in G! Sports talk is all gibberish anyway!
Things are pretty good I guess. X's BF has been primary issue with all the kids over the last few weeks but I think that I've grown comfortable in how I handle it with them. I guess that is why I wish X had given me a heads up, so I could mentally prepare myself on how to discuss it with the kids. All is good now and I think I'm doing a good job of being there for the kids, especially with this issue.
Middle daughter (D14) called me crying last night saying she wanted to move in with me because of her Mom and how she acts. I talked her down from the ledge and I think I had her feeling good about things by the end of the convo. X picked up other line (she called from land line) and heard me say one sentence, "If you want to come stay with me just let me know ahead of time". She blurted out "REALLY!" and hung up. After convo I called her (1st time in about a week) and explained the context, explained to her that I was telling D14 that if she wanted to spend extra time with me then she would need to plan it with both her parents. This went well. Think X actually believed me instead of thinking I was an a$$hole.
She went on to explain that the reason for the big blowout was that D14 was not treating her with respect, not treating her like a mother. She said that D14 told her that she hadn't been acting like a mother for awhile. X told her that she would from this point forward. I just listened and validated... Didn't want to discuss anymore than I had to.
So, I guess we are moving gingerly on in the new dynamic that is our family! I'm getting better with it each day, in a large part due to all the great people here. Have been doing better since I started hanging back out here again!
Thanks for checking in G! Sports talk is all gibberish anyway![/qoote]
I'm framing that and putting it on the wall!
Quote:
Things are pretty good I guess. X's BF has been primary issue with all the kids over the last few weeks but I think that I've grown comfortable in how I handle it with them. I guess that is why I wish X had given me a heads up, so I could mentally prepare myself on how to discuss it with the kids. All is good now and I think I'm doing a good job of being there for the kids, especially with this issue.
Why not ask her to do that in advance..
Quote:
Middle daughter (D14) called me crying last night saying she wanted to move in with me because of her Mom and how she acts. I talked her down from the ledge and I think I had her feeling good about things by the end of the convo.
Good daddy!!!!!!
Quote:
X picked up other line (she called from land line) and heard me say one sentence, "If you want to come stay with me just let me know ahead of time". She blurted out "REALLY!" and hung up. After convo I called her (1st time in about a week) and explained the context, explained to her that I was telling D14 that if she wanted to spend extra time with me then she would need to plan it with both her parents. This went well. Think X actually believed me instead of thinking I was an a$$hole.
Were you anything close to an a*hole? Do you think she's concerned about her actions.. interrupting/listening to a private conversation? Avoid the triangles. Keep it straight lines of communication.. you with your daughter, you with your ex-spouse. What's more important.. being a dad or smoothing your ex wife's feathers?
Dang .. this isn't coming out right..
I always felt I was in the wrong in some way in my marriage. I always worried about how I screwed up.. rather than even pondering to think that I was doing a good job. Over time I accepted blame as being a constant.. and that I was at fault. This past week, I'm watching spouse deplete our 401k, blaming me for causing this.. not the attorney he picked who's demanding it.
strange..
She went on to explain that the reason for the big blowout was that D14 was not treating her with respect, not treating her like a mother. She said that D14 told her that she hadn't been acting like a mother for awhile. X told her that she would from this point forward. I just listened and validated... Didn't want to discuss anymore than I had to.
So, I guess we are moving gingerly on in the new dynamic that is our family! I'm getting better with it each day, in a large part due to all the great people here. Have been doing better since I started hanging back out here again!
