Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Sara]

Thank you, Trixi. All I hear when I pray is silence too. I can never figure out what to do that way.

[Trixi]

You need to make some rules about what kind of treatment you will accept from people, and refuse contact with those who don't meet the standard.

How'd I miss that post?

That is basically the premise of Stop being the string-along, a relationship guide to being "The One". Basically "The One" knows their self-worth and will only let people into their lives who love them and treat them with the utmost respect. "The One" would never be a booty call, doesn't call or chase, is not a puppet and lives a passionate life.

I wish I could get more than silence when I pray. (heh, yes, I have prayed to actually get more.) Maybe I am not evolved enough or sensitive enough or....?

[Sara]

Maybe the voices in your head are quiet ones.

[Belle]

Trixi

I hadn't been to church in years and I got inspired to go when I was at my Naturopathic Dr. He told me that he's a Christian and that he knows that no matter who stops loving him (His wife, kids) that God still loves him. And he thought that maybe my situation is God's way of reaching out to me.

So I went to an American Baptist church (which is what I grew up as). The first time I went I could hardly contain my tears - don't know why but I just felt that God was there with me and there was hope.

Beleive it or not, I know my prayers are being answered. It's so weird!!! I've been praying that my H open his heart and mind to God - he's not very religious - in fact he's very skeptical. The first thing that happended was my H said he wanted to read Joel Osteen's "Live your Best Life Now". Have you heard of it or read it? It's an inspiring book. It talks about God and how he wants good things for you - AND how he can help you save your marriage.

Then, the other day, my H said that he would maybe go to church with me someday soon - this from a man who has insisted he doesn't need church to be a good person and that many people who go to church are hypocritical. And that a pastor doesn't have any right to tell him what is wrong or right.

No matter if you feel like all you get back is silence, keep on praying, God is listening. He may not answer your prayers, but it must be for a reason. I always tell God I know he has a plan for me and I trust his plan. It is so liberating to hand it over to him.

I have signed up for Divorce Care daily emails. Yesterday there was one that talked about how God may not answer your prayers because you aren't praying for the right things. Ask him to help you pray for the right things....

As a matter of fact, I'm going to post it here:

Ask the Holy Spirit's Help
Day 49

You can never see the big picture in any given situation. Only God sees your circumstances from all perspectives and contexts. As a result you often pray for the wrong things. You tend to pray for what seems best to you.

One unique aspect of the Christian walk is that God has given you His Holy Spirit to help you make right decisions and to guide your prayers. The Bible says that "the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" (Romans 8:26).

"It wasn't until my relationship with Christ grew stronger that I could stand firm and give my former spouse over to the Lord," says Ginny. "I wasn't responsible for him anymore, and I wasn't his mother. I didn't have to take care of him. That was very hard not to do. I still felt I had to fix him and help him, but that wasn't my job when we were married, and it's not my job now."

You might be avoiding the real problem in your life. The Holy Spirit can help reveal to you the root cause of your problems. Ask the Holy Spirit to direct your prayers.

"You want something but don't get it. . . . You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives" (James 4:2-3).

Holy Spirit, please show me the true cause of my problems. What do I really need to pray about? Guide me today in prayer and in truth. Amen.


Hope this helps, Trixi.

From you posts, I feel like you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Instead of focusing on your H and what is going to happen between you two, hand it over to God. Focus instead on yourself and what you need to do to feel like you have a direction in life. I know it is hard, but you can do it!

[NikB]

((((Trixi))))

I'm sorry I haven't been on much! I've needed some break time away from the boards. Thanks for the ideas you posted! I will add those to the things to mull around at night while I stare at the ceiling.

This is pretty profound:

Basically "The One" knows their self-worth and will only let people into their lives who love them and treat them with the utmost respect. "The One" would never be a booty call, doesn't call or chase, is not a puppet and lives a passionate life.

I think working to understand THIS will get you further than praying and "hearing" nothing back. The praying's good too, if that's something important to you, but figuring out this self-esteem, self-worth, direction - I think those are so critical for you. (me too!)

From Belle's post..

I feel like you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Boy, don't we all? But I completely and totally agree with this. I think I've been trying to say it for a long time, but not sure if it was coming through. What do you think, Trixi?

Instead of focusing on your H and what is going to happen between you two, hand it over to God.

Or... hand it over to no one, leave it alone entirely for now, and do this:

Focus instead on yourself and what you need to do to feel like you have a direction in life.

I really feel like you're falling back into a very similar trap to one you've fallen into before. Particularly this:

Now before I get a bunch of 2x4s for 'pressuring' him-- he was more than happy to sleep with me on Thanksgiving. I think I am afforded the "right" to make contact.

The sense of "entitlement" (for lack of a better word) because you let him sleep with you... does this feel/sound familiar?

Yes, time for me to get some freaking self-respect.

Yes!! Where do you START with that? Is it working on your self esteem? On boundaries? On distance/space from your H?

He was dropping hints that I was winning him back.

Once again... this absolutely breaks my heart for you. After all he's put you through, you still feel like YOU have to do the work to WIN him back???

You should be dropping hints that he's lucky you'll even consider it. I know you have dropped hints like this a few times, but you didn't have the attitude to back it up. He saw right through it, I'm sure. Doing that OTHER work, on your self respect, self esteem - THEN dropping those kinds of hints, later on down the line - will work a whole lot better.

He asked for more time. But I don't see him doing anything with that time...at least not anything that advances our relationship.

I was trying to figure out how to say this delicately but I'm having trouble.. sorry in advance if this stings some. Right now, it seems to me that you are ALSO not doing anything with your time that will advance your R. You're sitting there loyally and devotedly waiting for him, but that's about it. You're getting closer... you're reading more and thinking more about how to work on YOU (which is necessary for a better M).. but right at the moment, you're not "working" on the R. Remember the whole DR concept that you can work on the R alone? Most of that work, when the other spouse isn't committed at the moment, is work on YOU.

You got better for awhile there, but honestly when I read your more recent posts I'm back to that mental image of the lost puppy sitting at the door just waiting and hoping for her owner to get home and give her even a scrap of attention.

What are you doing to make YOU stronger? That's what will make your R/M better. Sitting around waiting, stewing about the meaning of vows you took, all that... won't.

As for your H - who knows, he may or may not be doing anything about your R/M right now . He's not doing anything that you can SEE but maybe, just maybe, he's doing some of that necessary work on HIMSELF? He did finally admit there was a lot he needed to work on recently. Maybe he's doing some of that.

I have been voraciously reading on how to love myself and connect with God. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I don't know what the future holds, but this isn't what I want. Part of me knows I am worth more than this. But then I fall for his tricks, and I guess I must not actually believe that I am worth more.

I'm so glad you're doing that reading! What practical steps do they suggest to get to that goal?

On the "tricks" - I don't know that they are tricks, really. That implies he's doing something intentionally to rope you back in. It seems to me that it's more about him continuing his selfish, "all about me" behavior that's been working well for him all along. It continues to work for him - why do anything differently??

BTW - I am in a VERY similar place myself right now in terms of self doubt, feeling directionless, etc. so please don't take this that I have all (or any!) of the answers. I'm just throwing my thoughts out there in hopes that they help.

I so wish you lived closer.. I think we could have a really awesome "all day long" chat over coffee and talk through all this stuff together!! In fact I even know a few girlfriends I'd invite and we could have one of those awesome "girl power" talks.

[Trixi]

Hey Nik! Been thinking about you. I sure hope you find something in there (ideas) that helps. I know that OT suggested children as the ultimate thing to do with your partner; but sometimes it isn't practical or even desired. And there's nothing wrong with that.

So, on to what you wrote-

The sense of "entitlement" (for lack of a better word) because you let him sleep with you... does this feel/sound familiar?

Hmm...well, is it so wrong to think that if you are sleeping with someone that it's "ok" to send a text? In fact, maybe I will say it like this: I don't ever have to "wonder" if it's okay for me to text any of my other friends. I was concerned that I would be chastised for sending texts to him... sigh, I don't know.

Right now, it seems to me that you are ALSO not doing anything with your time that will advance your R. What are you doing to make YOU stronger? That's what will make your R/M better. Sitting around waiting, stewing about the meaning of vows you took, all that... won't.

That's an interesting perspective. I hadn't really considered it that way; I was looking at the need to get stronger as just a means to finally end this crap. Not that it would benefit the relationship. ... that gives me a lot to chew on.

I'm so glad you're doing that reading! What practical steps do they suggest to get to that goal?

Well, the way she puts it mostly is to get out. If you aren't being treated as "The One", just get out. Oh wait, there is a practical step. Twice a day, look at yourself in the mirror and say 3 good things about yourself that are observable, so that the ego can't argue. (ie, just saying "I'm great!" leaves too much room for the ego to argue.) If you are feeling like you can't come up with ANYthing-she even says start with the smallest thing, for instance- if you paid a bill, you can say that you were responsible, honest and trustworthy. Even flushing the toilet can be made into positive qualities - hygenic, responsible and clean. (!) She says to do this exercise for 18 mo- 2 years.

BTW - I am in a VERY similar place myself right now in terms of self doubt, feeling directionless, etc. so please don't take this that I have all (or any!) of the answers. I'm just throwing my thoughts out there in hopes that they help.

And I sure do appreciate it!!

I so wish you lived closer.. I think we could have a really awesome "all day long" chat over coffee and talk through all this stuff together!! In fact I even know a few girlfriends I'd invite and we could have one of those awesome "girl power" talks.

Ok. I'm flying down there!! Or driving. Or flying. And maybe I'm not kidding...

[Trixi]

I just checked tickets- I can fly RT to Sacramento for $213. Suchadeal!

[NikB]

Hey Trixi,

I think some of your ideas will help - definitely sparking some thought. Thanks!! I really do need to post some of the swirl of stuff in my head soon... getting it out there (and getting feedback) would probably help a ton.

Hmm...well, is it so wrong to think that if you are sleeping with someone that it's "ok" to send a text? In fact, maybe I will say it like this: I don't ever have to "wonder" if it's okay for me to text any of my other friends. I was concerned that I would be chastised for sending texts to him... sigh, I don't know.

Oh, I completely agree - it should be OK! That's where the whole boundary/self respect thing comes in. Are you willing to sleep with someone who you're not sure whether it's OK to send him a text?

That's an interesting perspective. I hadn't really considered it that way; I was looking at the need to get stronger as just a means to finally end this crap. Not that it would benefit the relationship. ... that gives me a lot to chew on.

I'm glad! I was afraid you might be thinking of it that way, that strong=done. It really opened my eyes when OT posted to me about detachment being a HEALTHY thing in any R, including a marriage. Two strong, healthy people in an R is so much better than one or both appearing "weak" or needy.

Well, the way she puts it mostly is to get out. If you aren't being treated as "The One", just get out.

Yeah... I kinda figured that. I think TO A POINT that makes sense, but there's the flip side that you in a long term R, you aren't always, every single day or interaction, going to be treated as "The One." It's part of the give and take in an R.. you deal with those days when the person just doesn't have it in them. How LONG you deal with that is a whole other question.. but the "this isn't perfect, GET OUT" sentiment isn't exactly R/M healthy.

Oh wait, there is a practical step. Twice a day, look at yourself in the mirror and say 3 good things about yourself that are observable, so that the ego can't argue. (ie, just saying "I'm great!" leaves too much room for the ego to argue.)

I really like this! Good idea. I bet it feels silly at first but I bet it works, too. Did I ever share with you that I used this CD for awhile?
http://www.amazon.com/Become-Totally-Pos...28243984&sr=8-3

OMG did it feel cheesy... but know what? It worked! I will never forget walking to my car shaking on the way to my fine needle aspiration appointment to test the lump I found (oh, and it was just a couple months after H moved out, not to mention a bunch of other stuff going on). I forced myself to listen to this CD all the way to the appointment. Just a few minutes into it I actually felt the stress and fear lessening. By the time I got there - would you believe I actually walked into the hospital / clinic smiling?? I was pretty impressed with how well it worked. Not a "miracle cure" by an means, but surprisingly effective.

Which reminds me - I think I should start listening to that again!

If you want to try something like that, pretty much all of the Bob Griswold CDs are well rated on Amazon - here's a link:
http://www.amazon.com/s/qid=1228244432/r...bin%3A618076011

In fact I just ordered the Self-Image / Self-Esteem one.

Even flushing the toilet can be made into positive qualities - hygenic, responsible and clean. (!)

I just checked tickets- I can fly RT to Sacramento for $213. Suchadeal!

[NikB]

Wow talk about coincidence! I just got an email that there's a new meetup in town. Guess what it's about? Glass art!

[Trixi]

Really? that's funny- (and totally COOL!)

So, which weekends look good for you in Dec/Jan?