No, I don't think you are being argumentative. We are just talking back and forth, thinking aloud, trying to see things in maybe a different way and understand them. This forum is good for that. Sometimes me questioning you on things can make you see things more strongly and more clearly.
AFter reading your response, there is no doubt in my mind you need to sit down and talk with her face to face about this stuff. Now. Not when you have your move all figured out. That's secondary. That can happen when it has to happen. That has nothing to do with some of these things you need to talk about.
These things concern me: 1. "you want me to tell you I'll try to make my marriage work, but I don't want to say that when I don't have those feelings"- She needs to be learning about these things. Until she learns something different, she can't think differently.
2. Possibly still talking to OM. Again, unless she learns and educates herself on what talking to the OM does, she cannot think differently about it.
3. NOt getting rid of the affair stuff. Same as above.
4. When you tell her how the affair affected you and how much pain you are in she rolls her eyes. (Did you tell us this before? I must have missed this discussion.) This is pretty bad. NOt only books and educating herself, my guess is she needs counseling with you to hear/feel your pain.
5. Equating love with the "high" of a new relationship. Needs to be educating herself to know differently about this.
You said she said "Am I ashamed of what I've done? I guess a little. But I'm more ashamed of how you've hurt me in the past year." OK for whatever reason, she believes you have hurt her. What does she say about this? How does she believe you hurt her?
Nothing you have done in your life thus far is CLOSE to having an affair, but some day you may make a big mistake. You are human. I would never had said this before having an affair myself. If my H would have had the A before me, I would be feeling the same way. So, I understand where you are coming from.
Bottom line, she needs to be educating herself with books or counseling to get to the place you want her. She cannot see/think differently unless she knows of something different to think. She will not just get there on her own. These are things you will have to ask her to do. Again, has nothing to do with the move. In fact, she will need time to read, process, read, process, read, go to counseling, process, etc. Perhaps, before making a big move.
You are going to have to ask her for some things and talk to her. Like I asked before: When is the "no R talk" restriction over?
