Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

Wow WDID. Let me see if I can respond to your questions/comments.

No, I heard that "I haven't loved you our whole marriage" the same night I got the ILYB...speech. I guess my stating that she still thinks that way is based on her saying to me a couple months ago "you want me to tell you I'll try to make our marriage work, but I don't want to say that when I don't have those feelings". So as late as Sept she still doesn't have those feelings and to her, she has to have those feelings before she'll even say she wants to try. And it has nothing to do with not ML.

I'm KNOW she doesn't feel the connection is there. It was there while we were on vacation. But once she returned to work, BAM. I get the feeling that she's just playing along for the next couple years, still talking to OM periodically thinking that "if it's right between H and I, it shouldn't matter if I talk to OM". I know I can't read her mind, but if she's not thinking that, why wouldn't she get rid of her affair stuff even after I've poured my heart out to her how that stuff makes me feel? Are you sure she's dealing with her demons? She said to me in Sept, "Am I ashamed of what I've done? I guess a little. But I'm more ashamed of how you've hurt me in the past year". So what would that make you think? Sounds like someone who is still hanging on to the rationalization that yeah, what she did is wrong, but H is an animal so I was justified in doing it. Does she feell guilty? Doesn't seem to. When she sits and giggles when somethings on T.V. dealing with affairs. And when I try to tell her how her affair affected me and how much pain I'm in and she just rolls her eyes, it just doesn't sound like she feels guilty to me.

Have I done some stuff I need to be forgiven for? Sure. Is it anything CLOSE to her having an affair? Nope. Am I asking her to beg for my forgivness? NO. But it would be nice for her to say "I made a mistake, please forgive me". But how can I expect that when as shortly ago as Sept she was telling me she's "a little ashamed" of what she's done, but more ashamed of what I've done in the last year?

I understand there are ups and downs in marriage. Thing is, I don't think she does. I think she equates love with the "high" of a new relationship. And if she does, I might as well quit now, because that's never going to happen with us after being married for going on 24 years.

I guess I think I've covered why I think she's ambivalent. I know she's had some major trauma in her life. That's part of the reason I'm still here. Because I know she's dealing with things that most of us will never begin to understand what she's going through. But the only way she's ever going to get there is to get some professional help. And she refuses to do that because that would wreck her "I can take care of myself" persona.

I know progress is slow. I KNOW. But I just don't know if I can take getting nothing from her (and I'm not talking about sex) for as long as it seems it's going to take. I see a lot of my W in the comment you made about building up the walls. I think she has the Great Wall of China around herself to protect herself from those things we've talked about before. The question is, will she ever let me in or am I just wasting my time?

I hope I don't sound arguementative. It wasn't meant that way. You know I highly value your opinions. I'm just beat down and don't know how much longer I can go without her even saying "I want to try". Because that's all it'd take.