I never said your marriage was so bad that an affair had to appen. There is NEVER a good reason to have an affair. Maybe what I said came out wrong. DOes she still say to you that "she hasn't loved you for years, if ever"? That was foggy thinking. I don't think she still has that thinking. Why do you think she still hangs on to it? Because you aren't making love? YOu need to talk to her about these things. You are making assumptions and it leads you to a bad place.
The connection is there, but my guess is she is dealing with her demons. You didn't cheat on your spouse, she did. To deal with that thought totally is more painful than you realize. Is it what a cheating spouse deserves? Yep. Paying the consequence. But, to wrap our minds around the fact that we have done such a horrible, immoral thing and admit that we have chosen this and keep nothing in our heads to protect us from this fact is a feeling that I can't explain. She will get there, but I can see how many have psychological problems because of it. Depression sets in, guilt like no other, questioning of religion and "what will happen to me", etc. She is outwardly showing stubborness, but part of that is just her and has nothing to do with the affair. You told us that about her. We all have defense mechanisms. Her normal defense mechanism is being snappy and stubborn.
No, it doesn't seem right for you to have to pay for the fact she cheated. But, some day you may do something wrong. I Never in a million years would have thought I was capable of cheating on my husband. YOu would want her to stand by you, too, if you make a horrible mistake. Without her begging you for your forgiveness you don't see her remorse. But, remember the kind of woman she is. She looks down a lot, talks quietly a lot, changes subjects a lot......she feels remorseful. The kind of woman you married is not one to fall to her knees and ask for forgiveness even though she should. Remember, part of that is why you love her. If you asked her for some things you need, my guess is she'd give them to you. You have yet to talk or ask her, though.
Going through the motions. SOmetimes you have to do that. She may be going through the motions with you as well sometimes. Every day is different. YOu can't stay in a perpetual state of desire. If We were made that way, we would get nothing done. Seriously. NOthing will ever be perfect. You will still fight like married couples do. Have you had a married couple fight lately? Not really....everything is so eggshellish that if she did have a big argument it could mean you walk out on her. I had a friend tell me how some days she looks at her husband and thinks, "You know, you really aren't doing it for me today." She laughs and says how that doesn't mean she doesn't love him.
YOu continue to say she is ambivalent, but I don't know why you think that unless you aren't telling us things on here. The things you tell me show that she is not ambivalent. EXCEPT sex. Remember, she had some major psychological issues before you were married regarding sex. So, I could see that sex could be the toughest hurdle for her. Perhaps that is something that only a psychiatrist can help her with and you will need to ask her to see one...but you will have to talk to her about these things for that to happen.
Progress is slow. SOmetimes you can't speed it up when there is so much repair work to do. But, sometimes you can speed things up of you communicate together.
How long did it take for me to have "those" feelings? I'll answer by saying that it is only recently that I have had those feelings. But, our sexual issues are way more involved than I have shared on here. The human mind and emotions are an amazing thing. The walls we learn to build protect us from further emotional hurt. To tear those walls puts you in a very vunerable state. Something that is easier to do is to take the wall down brick by brick rather than demolishing it all at once. At least for me, anyway.
