Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

Thanks WDID. Of course you're right. It's just so freakin hard to put up with this being blamed for her cheating. I can understand how in her mind she might feel justified, but WTF with a month or so ago us connecting and seeming to move forward and then she returns to work and BAM, the setback?

What do you think is going on given your experience? Did she contact OM when she went back to work after we got back and now I'm dealing with WD again? Did she contact OM and is still in contact with him? Did she talk to EGF who convinced her that it was just vacation causing her to have those feelings?

I know you can't answer for what my W if feeling, but I'd just like to know your opinion (given that Puppy has seemed to deserted me LOL).

[whatdidido]

I don't think you are being blamed for her cheating, but you feel that you are based upon her actions. I'm sure she DOES feel that something was wrong with the marriage and is why she chose to "go there". I know, for me, the fact that my H takes a lot of the blame (even though I continue to tell him that it wasn't his choice and that IIII was the one that made the choice), makes it easier for me to focus on what I need to do rather than defend anything or explain anything. But, everyone is different.

I can take a guess......When you are away on vacation, the every day stuff is not there, the pain of the past is not there, it doesn't "hit home" as much because you are not home. When she gets back home, all of that baggage is there.....All of the triggers are there. I'm sure that EGF does NOT help. Little comments from EGF stating things that incinuate that she is only there in body and not mind and not with her heart keep her thinking that. EGF will remind her of all of the foggy things she said before. If she contacts OM at work, even if she isn't with him, it still keeps those "old feelings" simmering.

One thing to keep in mind is that your W was always moody, always stubborn, etc. You can't go on her moods to make life decisions about whether she wants to be with you or not. I have no doubt she wants to be with you based upon what you have told us. She is going to be moody. We all are. Women are.

Not sleeping together is not ok, and my guess is she knows this. I needed time. I didn't want to "fake" it. I wanted to have him hold me and like it. I wanted to kiss him and feel it. I needed to feel his love no matter what I did. How did I get to this point? By him loving me unconditionally and giving me time. I realize I am the one who screwed up and yet he was the one paying for it, but it was the only way. I had to get my heart where my mind was because I had it all confused.

[Hope4us]

I'll have to disagree with you some WDID. I think in W's mind, she'd have never done what she did UNLESS is was my fault in some way. Was our marriage perfect? Obviously not. But I guarantee you it wasn't so bad that this had to happen. But she still hangs on to the idea that it was justified because "she hasn't loved me for years, if ever". Now you and I know that's just fog thinking/gaslighting, but she hangs on to it. So how do I ever get her past that when she's got EGF filling her head with negative stuff?

I get the vacation buzz vs. home. But when we got home she was fine for 3 days, still had the connection, etc, but then she goes back to work and we're back to square one.

I understand completely what you're saying about needing to feel his love no matter what you did, but that's what I'm struggling with. Maybe I'm just too big of a bullhead, but W is the one that chose to cheat and I'm the one that has to pay for it? It just doesn't seem right to me.

And just how long can I continue to give while getting nothing in return while she figures it out? There just gets to be a point where you don't care anymore. Case in point. And you can call me perverted if you like, but last night she was sitting there folding her undies. I LOVE to watch her do that. It's a turn on for me. But last night, I just felt nothing. Don't get me wrong, there are still times when I find her so darn sexually appealing to me I can't hardly stand it, but more and more I look at her and just feel nothing. I find myself not really interested in what she has to say. I fake it great. I'm probably more of an attentive listener now than I was before the A, but now I sometimes find myself just going through the motions.

I don't know. Maybe she can detect that. I try to not let it show. But the wall she's built between us makes it so difficult to care.

I also don't know about contact with OM. One part of me thinks she's not contacting him and it's just triggers from work etc that set us back, but on the other hand, I've read enough books (Harley, Glass) that state that if a spouse is ambivalent about trying to make the marriage work they strongly suspect there's still contact going on and usually they're right.

We could go on like this forever. Her almost there, but still having the occasional contact with OM so she's always in a state of WD, if that's in fact what's happening. And I just don't know how much longer I can play this game. I mean, Back in mid Sept she claimed she hasn't talked to OM in months and I would bet this was true. We just seemed to be making progress, little by little. And then vacation but the first day back at work and it's like the previous 3 months progress are wiped out.

Ok, I've rambled enough. One last question. And I know everyone is different. How long after you last had contact with your OM did it take for you to start having 'those' feelings again?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

Do you think your wife perhaps gives you sex just often enough to keep you from leaving her? Does she tend to use sex to get what she wants in her life?

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Uh....one week of sex in 16 months.....I don't think so

I don't feel like she uses sex to get what she wants in life. I think she is a very sexual person, but sometimes I think it's her way of seeking approval from men, at least prior to our marriage and then with OM. I've written quite a bit about things that have happened to her in the past and her lack of a father figure growing up, but do I think she uses sex to get what she wants? No, not really.

What are you thinking Pup?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Just noodling. I think even a VERY low-libido'd person can sense when the sexual camel in you has run out of water, and needs re-filling.

[Hope4us]

Just noodling. I think even a VERY low-libido'd person can sense when the sexual camel in you has run out of water, and needs re-filling.

I get what you're saying. But about me or her?

If it's me, you're right, that's why I wish the ML on vacation hadn't happened. I'd gone so long that I was past the point of NEEDING it.

If you mean her, she's NOT low libido by any stretch. Right up until I got the ILYB speech we were still ML 3 or more times a week. Now I could tell her heart wasn't quite in it like before and that made me worry, but I thought it was just a slump or stress from the move and the job she hates.

Am I close? Or did I totally miss what you're saying? Maybe you mean she wants to keep me where she has me and recognized that ML was a way to placate me for a while? If that's the case, it was a mistake on her part. It only raised (sorry for the pun) my expectations!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It was this:

Maybe you mean she wants to keep me where she has me and recognized that ML was a way to placate me for a while?

[Hope4us]

You could be right Pup, but I don't think so.

If she was just playing me, she should get an Oscar. And if she was just playing me, she could have stopped at once, not 6 times in 3 days, and then again when we got home.

I just really think that either she contacted OM when she got back, or EGF planted some crap in her head or the triggers from work set her back.

Which ever the 3 it was, I'll be addressing them when I know more details about the move. I've already been practicing what I'm going to say while I'm driving to and from work. I know it worked for you, to keep you on message, I hope it does the same for me.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm sure you're right. Like I said, just noodling.