Mulesqb - I found strength when I least expected

[mulesqb]

Happy Belated Birthday !

You can't always figure out a person who is in pain. They act weird, & give off mixed signals. She doesn't know what she wants yet. How could she express it to you ??

Hugs.

SC - Great point - always love your perspective. But what happens to the family?? That's what I can't figure out.

[Phoenixdeux]

Mules,

Don't worry about mindreading. That includes thinking she doesn't know what she wants. She may know perfectly well what she wants, but isn't certain how to acheive it. Why do we always have to think that the spouse is somehow conflicted?

It's been 10 years since my first divorce. My wife behaved far nicer towards me than yours has towards you, and she's never expressed anything that even remotely resembles regret. You really can't read anything into anything they do. You are past any point of looking for babysteps or actions speaking louder than words. Consider yourself at least emotionally divorced and proceed accordingly until she gives you words AND actions that say otherwise.

Belated happy birthday. Wish it could have been better.

[mulesqb]

Thanks Phoenix - I'm in a decent place right now. We're taking the kids to family counseling tonight. Should be interesting. I'm still working hard on myself. Certainly not easy given the circumstances , but everyday I get closer and closer with the boys.

Here's a new one for you - S7 has a project every month where he writes something about one of his parents. In November - he wrote about me being his American Hero. It was awesome. Well I went to tell him last night how great it was and how much it meant to me and he told me that he can't write about me any more. I asked him why and he said because Mommy asked if I could write about her the next couple of times. I love the kid's brutal honesty. Really puts things in perspective.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. Her loss - not mine.

[Neilh23]

Mules....it's competition. she's noticing how her boys are drifting away from her and towards you. she doesn't like that feeling. in the same sense, my W didn't like being alone on thanksgiving. look at the nugget she offered up to me about christmas..........

strength and honor bro.

[mulesqb]

IDK Neil.I have to stop trying to figure out what's going on in her head. It's impossible to know. Better off just worrying about me. As I said before - with such a long history I don't think I can ever FULLY detach. Too many feelings inside me. Who knows, maybe I will get there.

[AlexEN]

Mules,

I think it's BS that she told S what she did. She's setting it up as a competition and shouldn't be using the children as pawns. Take the high road. As my IC has told me, 10-20 years from now the kids will "know" all the facts (whether they are told them or not). One of you will be on the right side of history and the other will not unless you both play it straight-up. Right now, you are the one playing it straight-up. What's ultimately going to matter to them is the truth, without the gamesmanship.

-AlexEN

[mulesqb]

Thanks Alex - I totally agree with you. Been on the High Road for a very long time - probably too long. I actually stole a line from the Pursuit of Happyness movie - I told him to not let anyone tell him what he should or should not write - not even me. When he is asked a question, he should answer with what comes to his mind - not someone else's. I'm not sure he understood - but I had to say it. I won't confront my w. It's funny how she accuses so many people of controlling her life, yet tries to control our S7 thoughts.

[Neilh23]

IDK Neil.I have to stop trying to figure out what's going on in her head. It's impossible to know. Better off just worrying about me. As I said before - with such a long history I don't think I can ever FULLY detach. Too many feelings inside me. Who knows, maybe I will get there.

i hear ya mules. i hear ya. IDK either. it's a hard road to travel, and a thin line to walk on. however, in order to survive this, i think we have to. at the same time, i wonder if i ever will fully either....too long a history....

strength and honor....

[AlexEN]

Mules, you said exactly the right thing to your son... I remember scolding one of my sons for something a few weeks ago and his older brother coming to his defense (which he rarely does) and having a somewhat similar thought about thinking for himself. My older son thought I'd be angry at him, which I was at first for getting involved, but as I thought about it, I realized the real message I wanted him to learn was that he did exactly the right thing (coming to the defense of his brother if HE felt that I was in the wrong). I told him that I truly appreciated what he did and that he should always think for himself, even if he is worried how others will react, because what he did isn't easy, especially for a child to a parent. The message we're both trying to impart on our sons is to take it all in, but make up their own minds (even parents aren't always right)... Not that I want him to take it to the point of rebellion, I just don't want him to be afraid to take a stand.

[Tawnya]

{{Mules}} I agree that you were right on what you told your son..no one, not even us, should try to dictate what is in their hearts and minds to write about..and we shouldn't try to snuff out their creativity

Hugs to you!

Tawnya