Can my 32 year old W have a midlife crisis?

[fisherman]

Hey Jeff,

Remember, you must be extremely careful how you speak with your wife.

She will twist your words and try to use them against you.

The way their memories work at this time is very odd. You may notice she is very forgetful about certain things.

Trust me, she will remember things you have said or promised her and use that to her advantage as well.

Pick and chose your battles wisely.

You can do this, Today is not the day we quit.

[fisherman]

I had a very intresting conversation with my wife last night. I'll post about this later.

I have had to pick and chose my battles too.

Just remember you are the one that is thinking clearly right now. Try your best to keep that in mind. Your wife is suffering and she does need your kindness and compassion. You have to find the balance of not getting trampled on but also try to understand she is suffering in a way we will never be able to fully comprehend.

[fisherman]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING JEFF!!!

I hope you have a great day.

[Jeff3]

T
Thanks your the wise words I made the mistake you were talking about. I think the fact that I am still in the house with her has clouded my judgement it is starting to wear me out! I made the mistake of telling her that I wanted the house,I thought that I did it nicely but she felt blind sided and went off saying that I should get a lawyer because if she can't have the house nobody is getting it! oops I talked to a couple of friends who gave me a kick and said it wasn't worth it! So I called her back and apologized for changing my mind the last minute. I said I understand her reaction because that was the agreement (not signed yet)we had made! I said I was having a moment because it was hard to figure out were to live.

She said she understood and we are friendly again. Last night I went out with a friend who is a realestate agent and he showed me what is out there. It helped because there were some nice places. Unfortunately the one I liked is five blocks away from my old house. I love the neighborhood.

Question: how are you in your house are you able to live with the memories? and in your opinion is the house to close if I bought it?

The other funny thing is that my fiends wife is taking my wife out to look at houses tonight. She wanted to see what is out ther e. so Now I have to decide if she doesn't want the house and I buy her out can I live with the memories and if she wants the house how close is too close.

She says she wants to be friends and will still help me set my place up. She was the one that initially told one of our neighbours (she now regrets it) the neighbour pulled me aside and got me fired up a bit (mistake). I promised my wife that I would not talk about it to any one on my street. I doesn't help me to relive it anyway.

This was a long one I think I put the fire out, It is hard to find that fine line between being nice and not getting walked on. 'Either way I need to be one my own for now and perhaps once we are separated and are apart she will come around (I always keep hope but am realistic.) I think that once I am on my own I can focus on me for awhile and become stronger. I will make sure that we leave on friendly terms keeping the door open.

I will stop by your post tommorow

Cheers
Jeff

[fisherman]

Well,

It is tough to be at home with the memories. I have painted my bedroom, changed the pictures on walls, and I'm planning to do much more. Right now money is on the short side.

My children are very young. They need the security of "home." The memories are a small price to pay. This is the only home they know and Dad is the strong consistant parent right now. My four year old has become so much closer to me. So this helps.

Plus my wife still will not take all of her stuff out of the house to her new apartment. She is actually bringing a few things back. (dresser, microwave) This is a positive. (I think?)

As far as five blocks being to close. Do you think you can handle it? If you like the neighborhood then that is a big plus.
It may be tough knowing that she is so close by. This is a choice you really need to take some time and think about.

Do you have to purchase right now? How about renting? It does not surprise me at all that she is looking at houses too. She will change her mind a lot. This is why you should not rush into any big commitments just yet.

Remember do what's best for you. Right now silence when it comes to her may be something to think about. She is not thinking right and the more you show your hand so to speak the easier it is for her. Give her some reasons to really think too. You can be too open with them at times and they will use this against you. It sucks but it happens.

Being friendly and respectful is good however too friendly gives her the idea she can have her cake and eat it too. There is a balance to this. I still struggle to find it at times.

Remember this doesn't mean things are over forever, just different right now, keep your emotions in check and continue to focus on you. These are big decisions, take your time. Think about your sitch. and do what is best for you. Don't do anything out of spite. You are better than that.

Remember as well to be very careful about talking to others, come here. Most people will give advice on how THEY would handle things, not you. MLC is a different ball game and most people don't have a clue, so their advice will not help much. Be confident in yourself you are a very strong person and you will never be given more than you can handle.

I'm praying for you. Take your time and really think. The answers will come.

[fisherman]

Jeff,

Talk to me man.

Whats up...

Today is not the day!!

[Jeff3]

Trapt,

I am sorry I should be posting more but my mind is getting messed up. I have been doing well most of the time but I find as time goes on and she is coming and going it gets harder. She even admitted to sleeping over at her "older male Friend's" but she said that they are just friends. Now her mother who has supported me all along still supports me but now said to me " well at least she hasn't cheated on you" My W has her convinced now, that although it is inappropriate, nothing physical is going on. My mother in law is currently in an abusive relationship and has been for most of the marriage. So I guess if she can justify staying in that she will be able to justify the friendship with OM.

Now because of me opening my big mouth (we are still being friendly), but now she is unsure of the price of the house because of the markets. I still maybe able to purchase the house from her but I am having a hard time figuring out what I want.

On one hand a fresh start sounds inviting but I am not sure what price we are settling on and we have a big mortgage and little equity. |She wants to adjust the price and I may not have much to buy something right away. I do have the option of renting a room from my friend for three months then Rent a small (Really Small) basement apt from one of my best friends. It's in a great location though. She did suggest that I could keep the house and furniture for the original price we agreed on.

In the end I guess I have to stop being emotional and try to make a logical decision. If I move out and rent then it leaves it open for me to move back if things got better. Right now that doesn't look likely and I feel I need to take care of me now still being open to her. we both don't want to make this a fight but we both want a fair deal. My emotional side says she should pay me what I want because she walked out but the logical side says it's not worth it cut my losses and move on.


Some how I have to make a decision and git er done. I know no one can make the decision for me but I need a good kick in the @#$*!

she is going to look at another condo tonight and I suggested that we get another real estate agent to look at the house and give me a number.

I also have to decide if the reasons I wanted to stay were valid and if it is the right thing to do. Whatever I decide I will make it work, as long as I don't get financially screwed. She is being nice right now even suggesting that if the markets suck we can live in the same house till the spring. My feeling is no way can I live in the house with her if she is dating, and she will!

So perhaps I should bite the bullet get a real appraisal of the property and live with it.

Deep breath, ...........you asked for it that's a whole bunch of posts rolled up into one.

Your answer about memories helped because I guess as you paint etc. you make it your own. Time helps to!


I will take a break,

Jeff

[Jeff3]

a quick update, I just got a call from my W. She was talking to the bank and found out that we will have to pay penalties to break the mortgage and re negotiate it. Then the one who takes the house will have to take a loan and pay the other off. In the long run this may help me she says she can't afford the mortgage and a loan. I f I take the house I retain the great interest rate we had and I can pay the loan off as fast as possible getting back to a good monthly payment. We are both deciding and the more I think about it this may be a great deal.

Also I will still be close enough to be available but won't run into her if she is dating. At least we are both talking and it is showing her that we can work together. Hopefuly it remains calm and she we will both feel that we got a fair deal leaving the door open for positive contact without bitterness because we worked together to come up with a solution! I think once this is done I can focus on me and hopefully be a better divorce buster. I must remember ,like you said this is a separation not the end!

I will post an update as to an outcome!

Jeff out!

[fisherman]

Hey, you sound a lot better.

Yes, take your time and do whats best for you. It's good that your not getting any anger right now.

I would say nothing more to your MIL. It always backfires.

ALWAYS.

It's not the end, just another change. Every day is one day closer.

[Jeff3]

T,

Thanks I feel better I am trying to look past the emotion and make good decisions. I can see the merit in not talking to my MIL i probably should have stopped that along time ago but I felt at the time it was nice to get the support. From now on I will treat her as I would my W. I guess I will be DBing with my W and MIL. I will still meet her for tea but not talk about the R with her. She may report back to my W that I am GAL and at this point that's all I can do.

My W called this morning with new numbers for the house. She is trying to get the best Deal for herself. On top of me paying her out the equity in the house she now wants me to pay a portion of the home owners insurance she will have to pay because of the high ratio mortgage ( you have to pay it in Canada if you have less than 25% down), half the land transfer tax of the place she will buy. I am crunching numbers. On one hand I just want to tell her that she walked out therefore I shouldn't pay her anything else other than the equity. But..... I know that will start a fight. I am going to have to negotiate calmly but I don't feel that I should have to pay her any more money. I guess I have to walk that line of being firm but not mean and not get walked on.

I have to be in the position to walk away. If we both walk away we won't get much right now because of the market. She can't afford the house. I wish we didn't have to do this but I need to take care of me right now.

Jeff