Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

((((Trixi))))

I'm sorry I haven't been on much! I've needed some break time away from the boards. Thanks for the ideas you posted! I will add those to the things to mull around at night while I stare at the ceiling.

This is pretty profound:

Basically "The One" knows their self-worth and will only let people into their lives who love them and treat them with the utmost respect. "The One" would never be a booty call, doesn't call or chase, is not a puppet and lives a passionate life.

I think working to understand THIS will get you further than praying and "hearing" nothing back. The praying's good too, if that's something important to you, but figuring out this self-esteem, self-worth, direction - I think those are so critical for you. (me too!)

From Belle's post..

I feel like you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Boy, don't we all? But I completely and totally agree with this. I think I've been trying to say it for a long time, but not sure if it was coming through. What do you think, Trixi?

Instead of focusing on your H and what is going to happen between you two, hand it over to God.

Or... hand it over to no one, leave it alone entirely for now, and do this:

Focus instead on yourself and what you need to do to feel like you have a direction in life.

I really feel like you're falling back into a very similar trap to one you've fallen into before. Particularly this:

Now before I get a bunch of 2x4s for 'pressuring' him-- he was more than happy to sleep with me on Thanksgiving. I think I am afforded the "right" to make contact.

The sense of "entitlement" (for lack of a better word) because you let him sleep with you... does this feel/sound familiar?

Yes, time for me to get some freaking self-respect.

Yes!! Where do you START with that? Is it working on your self esteem? On boundaries? On distance/space from your H?

He was dropping hints that I was winning him back.

Once again... this absolutely breaks my heart for you. After all he's put you through, you still feel like YOU have to do the work to WIN him back???

You should be dropping hints that he's lucky you'll even consider it. I know you have dropped hints like this a few times, but you didn't have the attitude to back it up. He saw right through it, I'm sure. Doing that OTHER work, on your self respect, self esteem - THEN dropping those kinds of hints, later on down the line - will work a whole lot better.

He asked for more time. But I don't see him doing anything with that time...at least not anything that advances our relationship.

I was trying to figure out how to say this delicately but I'm having trouble.. sorry in advance if this stings some. Right now, it seems to me that you are ALSO not doing anything with your time that will advance your R. You're sitting there loyally and devotedly waiting for him, but that's about it. You're getting closer... you're reading more and thinking more about how to work on YOU (which is necessary for a better M).. but right at the moment, you're not "working" on the R. Remember the whole DR concept that you can work on the R alone? Most of that work, when the other spouse isn't committed at the moment, is work on YOU.

You got better for awhile there, but honestly when I read your more recent posts I'm back to that mental image of the lost puppy sitting at the door just waiting and hoping for her owner to get home and give her even a scrap of attention.

What are you doing to make YOU stronger? That's what will make your R/M better. Sitting around waiting, stewing about the meaning of vows you took, all that... won't.

As for your H - who knows, he may or may not be doing anything about your R/M right now . He's not doing anything that you can SEE but maybe, just maybe, he's doing some of that necessary work on HIMSELF? He did finally admit there was a lot he needed to work on recently. Maybe he's doing some of that.

I have been voraciously reading on how to love myself and connect with God. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I don't know what the future holds, but this isn't what I want. Part of me knows I am worth more than this. But then I fall for his tricks, and I guess I must not actually believe that I am worth more.

I'm so glad you're doing that reading! What practical steps do they suggest to get to that goal?

On the "tricks" - I don't know that they are tricks, really. That implies he's doing something intentionally to rope you back in. It seems to me that it's more about him continuing his selfish, "all about me" behavior that's been working well for him all along. It continues to work for him - why do anything differently??

BTW - I am in a VERY similar place myself right now in terms of self doubt, feeling directionless, etc. so please don't take this that I have all (or any!) of the answers. I'm just throwing my thoughts out there in hopes that they help.

I so wish you lived closer.. I think we could have a really awesome "all day long" chat over coffee and talk through all this stuff together!! In fact I even know a few girlfriends I'd invite and we could have one of those awesome "girl power" talks.