Hey, I know what you mean about volunteer work. I'm with a local Kiwanis group that has a mission to help children. I'm also on some non-profit boards... lately it has been hard to get involved as much as I probably should.
Overall, I feel good about myself and like who I am. I'm not sure I can change as much as I probably need to if I want my W back. I'm not going to start being a party animal. I don't want a lot of friends. I have my close ones that I can go awhile without seeing and then when we do get together it is like we haven't been apart for more than a minute. I'd rather let my family (extended as well) be the focus of my life.
My W is all about everyone liking her. She needs the approval of complete strangers to feel good about herself. To me, that is sad.
Nothing I can do but accept the things I can't change.
I'm with a local Kiwanis group that has a mission to help children. I'm also on some non-profit boards... lately it has been hard to get involved as much as I probably should.
OK, the boards sound a little boring but hopefully not as bad as that sounds!!! I think one of the good things is to get your hands dirty (sometimes literally) by doing volunteer work with kids (I do an afterschool program) or like feeding the homeless was just fantastic. It gives you perspective, makes you feel good about yourself, helps others, total win-win situation.
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Overall, I feel good about myself and like who I am. I'm not sure I can change as much as I probably need to if I want my W back. I'm not going to start being a party animal. I don't want a lot of friends.
I totally agree with that. I've made a lot of changes and 180s this past year, but just the ones that I personally agreed with & thought would be good for me. I know he very much admires OW for being a career-oriented L. I prefer having more of a focus on my kids and being a mom. I figure if H wants a career-oriented woman that doesn't spend much time mothering then he and I shouldn't be together and OW is better for him. And I'm ok with that. I'm not going to change something that is so fundamentally important to me like that. I worked on things that I thought I needed to work on like self-confidence, assertiveness, exercising, etc. Things that I need to work on whether I'm with H or not. Karen
I'm on two non-profit boards as well for kid's organizations. It is boring once in a while Karen ;-)
But it's also cool because you can sometimes participate in doing very big things for the kids (like raising hundreds of thousands of dollars or constructing new schools, etc...).
I've actually been spending a bit more time in these organizations lately as a GAL activity.
Oh, and BTW, my friends from these kid's centric organizations typically take a dim view of the WAS who splits the family. So I get a <ton> of support from them!
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Got a message from W's friend. Said friend came to visit W over the 4th of July. Was supposed to stay most of the weekend, but she said she left early because W was w/ OM at the time. She told W she would support me, her and our S. She was disappointed that she would put her in that position (w/ OM).
The friend said she had been thinking about us a lot lately, and that was the last time she talked to W. She has called, sent W e-mails, cards, letters, etc but no response.
Then today the friend messaged me again to tell me W had just sent her an e-mail. Didn't give me any idea of what was said... just that it was ironic. Maybe W felt her ears burning?
E-mail from W this morning. Only get them when she wants something (suit this time). Do I respond? I'm not sure if I have the suit or not... she pretty much took EVERYTHING of hers so she wouldn't have to talk to me ever again. I am definitely not going to change any plans to run home to check for her....
{H}-
I wanted to let you know that I stayed home with {S} yesterday. He wasn’t feeling too good Sunday night he was up at 1:30. He had a little temp. He took a good nap and slept good last night. He was in a great mood this morning and went to daycare good. He was just coughing a little bit. So, everything is good now. I just wanted to let you know.
Also, I was wondering if you had my Banana Republic suit at your place. If you did could I possible get it from you today.
Whether I find the suit or not, should I use this as an opportunity to give her a box full of other miscellaneous clothing items that she left behind?
My IC said I need to give her the feeling that our relationship is over. I would think that giving all remaining items would be a good sign that I am not waiting around for her any longer.
Give her back as much as you can. I agree with your therapist. I need to do the same thing; but she has no place to put but in her car or the trash can.
First time poster here so please be easy on me but I would like to tell my story and seek some guidance.
I am male, 39 yrs old, been married for almost 19 years and have three beautiful children, 14, 10, and 3. Up until the last 4 years or so our marriage was pretty average for the most part. Your usual ups and downs, a few runs at what we thought could lead to divorce but always found a way to reconcile and work past it. In the last four years our sex life had soured some as the strain of kids and work and responsibilities increased. I was having some reservations of her love for me as I had been told several times that I was last on the list when it came to physical or emotional attention. With that said I can look back and admit that I too lacked in giving to her what she needed to feel important. I liked to go out more and she preffered to stay home more. The offer was always given but most times refused. With the first two children it many years of staying home with them. I felt that now was our time to live a little as the oldest was able to babysit. We could find some us time. I have always been a very social person.
About eight months ago me, my wife, a close friend of mine and her best friend had a night of drinking and ended up in a foursome where partners were switched. It was beyond a doubt the first time that either of us had experienced another person. For 18 years we both were faithful. At one point early in our marriage I worked graveyard. We were young, no kids and she was sitting home while I slept during the day and then gone at night. She was hanging with young single friends and had an interest in a guy she worked with. I did not find out until recently how far it went. no sex but lots of fondling. Either way we worked thru it obviously. Back to present her best friend had been semi dating my best friend who was going thru a divorce. He had pushed her away and I had turned to a consoler for her. An open ear for listening and advising. With my wife not going out much I was often pushed to her best friend for someone to hang with. She liked to have fun. After the escapade and her friend being depressed we ended up with each other again, then again and then again. After several months of hiding I left my wife thinking that her friend was providing me with everything I was missing from my wife and our marriage and moved in with her best friend.
Obviosuly this devistated my wife and shocked her. I had always thought that to a level my wife did not have a deep love for me. I thought that surely she would look at this and kick me to the curb. The exact opposite happened. Immediately she began to beg me to come home. She made some radical changes and had some deep insight into what went wrong and began a transformation. She read books, visited this sight and sent me all kinds of stuff on reconciliation of marriage and the meaning of forgiveness. Twice in the last 4 months I had left the girlfriend and moved back home only to move out again and into the house of her best friend. Each time I came home we did not discuss what happened or what caused it. We did not talk about it. She was scared and I did not want to admit my mistake.
About 5 weeks ago I more or less had an awakening. I began to realize what I had done and saw that this is not the person I want to be with. I was living a false lie. During the previous 7 months I had told my wife that I was not sure that I was in love with her anymore. Again 5 weeks ago I began so realize that I truly did love her. Everything I did or looked at I saw her. I started to understand what she was telling me about family, marriage and love. I took a trip to New Orleans with the girlfriend that was awful. I could not get her off my mind. It was a trip we should have taken. I saw her at every turn, us holding hands, walking along the river. I was distant with the girlfriend on the trip and she knew something was up. Immediately upon my return I told her I could no longer do what we were doing and moved out and in with my best friend, ironically her old boyfriend.
At one point just before I had my "awakening" the wife asked me if she should just let go and I told her yes. A day or two after that I saw her in a club we frequent. It was my best friends Birthday. When I saw her it was the begining of the end for me and my adultress affair. I knew it. Unfortunately it was also the begining of my wife closing me out. She began to build the wall around her heart. She began making friends and taking the advice of them to forget me, that I was gone.
Like I said I have moved out of the girlfriends now for a little over two weeks and living with a friend. I have done some serious soul searching the last five weeks but more so in the last two. I have realized that I love her to death and do not want to loose her. I can not stop crying and mourning for what I did to my family. I was such a good man prior to this. I feel so dirty. I am remorseful and have accepted responsibility for what I did. I understand I made a choice and that there is nobody to blame but me in the end for committing the act and doing what I have done. On the other hand It has brought me into an epiphany. I have begun to change the person that I am. I have quit smoking after over 20 years. I went to church for the first time in 30 years to look for guidance as I feel weak and very alone. I have removed myself from influential situations and people. I have started a daily journal. I have spent more true quality time with my children in the last two weeks than in the last 5 years. I have read and researched what it takes to be a better husband and the meaning of commitment. In my heart I can feel the better man emerging in me. I am a veteran and a leader. I manage teamsters and have always made good sound decisions and have the respect of my peers and subordinates. I moved up the ranks by hard work and loyalty.
I have looked deep inside to understand what made me do what I did. I have taken steps to show her that I am a different man than I have been the last eight months. My heart, mind and soul are so open right now. I am finally listening and seeing what it is that she has asked for the last 4-5 years in our marriage. I can not stop crying. I am 6'1 230 lbs athletically built. I have always looked upon tears as weak in a man. Yeah one of those. A veteran from the south side of Chicago. Tough kid, no messing, no weakness. Dont get me wrong I am a very compassionate guy and that toughness did not transpose to my wife or kids. Always allowed for my soft side to be seen and felt by them. I am a kisser and a hugger and one that always said I love you first to the wife or the kids. REquired a kiss and hug before bed. Anyways I can not stop the tears from flowing. The remorse and sorrow for what I have done is killing me.
Now the wife has transformed her pain and sorrow into strength and focus. She goes out every Wednesday and Saturday to the local dance club. She has new single or divorcee friends. On the nights she frequents her place I go to the house and sit with the kids. Nice thing is that I am only a few blocks from them. I try to leave before she returns but this holiday weekend I stayed on the couch every night. We have discussed our stiuation many times. We have never been yellers, we dont scream or rant and I have never once raised a fist in anger. I am the son of a Chicago cop, I was always taught that violence upon woman is unacceptable and despise those that do. Talking or removing yourself is the alternative. Anyways in our discussions she has told me she is nto sure if she can open her heart again to me. I hurt her and embarassed her deeply. I must inject that her best friend also works with her in a large warehouse and everyone knows what has happened. We are in a very small town in Washington State and the circle of friends is all the same. Recently a friend of mine and her have become close. He is recently divorced and has been consoling her. I was at the house one day after a night at her club at 0300 in the morning and as we were talking she and he were texting. She told me that she liked the attention men were giving her and that she had a sexual attraction to my friend and others. He has a knack for finding weak women and making them feel good. In a moment of emotional despair I texted him to mind his own business while they were texting. He responded with "what"? He did not know I was there. She has told me as recently as yesterday that she would sleep with him if he asked. After what I did I know I have no leg to stand on but it just destroys me to hear that. I have to walk away. Being the scrapping kid from Chicago I have to fight the urge to wring his neck.
In the end I cant stop trying to get her to talk and give me some sign that she considers working on our marriage. Like I said I got this site from her. She did everything she could to try and make us work and I ignored her. Now I see the light and she is not where she was at as little as 4 weeks ago. I told her yesterday that if the woman she was 4 weeks ago could match up again with the man I feel I am today nothing could tear us apart. I told her she does not look happy and she said that is only when I am around her, otherwise she is told daily how good she looks now compared to the last eight months. I know I am putting too much pressure on her but I am having a hard time finding patience. My recent look into the church through a friend is helping me but I know I am making it worse. I am afraid that time is my enemy in this. that as she develops new relationships with single friends and seeks out a companionship with someone that she feels will show her true love I may loose her forever. She has not told me that it is not worth saving but that she has taught her self some independence and the pain is very severe. She says she is not feeling the way I am right now. She is just not sure and needs time to sort it out. I have taken a new approach. I have been in the habit of saying good morning and good night via text and I did not so that this morning or last night. I am working hard inside to back off a bit and allow myself to prove to me and all that I am the man everyone adored for the last 20 years. I got lost but I am back and better than I ever was. I shocked everyone in my and her family. I was the kid that made it. A loving Father, strong leader, succesful. Literally a house on the hill, white picket fence, dog and beautiful wife and family.
My best friend and her have developed a bond as his wife had three affairs on him and the third time he left her and found new focus and strength to get past it. He is still dating and I know she sees him as an inspiration. Saturday night they hid from me that they were going to the bar together. I know that nothing is between them as his ex-wife and and us have been friends for 15 years and used to do everything together until his divorce. He is a great man and I have a feeling that she sees more in him than he sees in her. Either way the jealousy of them having a bond that does not include me hurts so deep. They text each other all the time and laugh and he makes her smile where I make her frown. I had always been the one to make her smile. I have a very fun loving playful side that she always loved.
I know this is long but I'll end with the asking of what to do. I know I may be approaching some of this in the wrong manner and I want nothing more in my life than to be with her again forever. I knew for 18 years how to be a faithful devoted husband. I almost feel like I was sick for 8 months. I am doing everything I can to myslef to learn from this experience and ensure I never do it again to anyone even if my life no longer has my wife in it. I want ot become a better man from this despite the final outcome. I want to be a better Father, husband, lover and friend to her and my family. I know I will be and can be everything she wants in a man. I was it for the first 18 plus until I strayed away blindly. How do I prove this to her without hurting her or my chances? I know in my heart and soul what I want today, I have listed in my journal the mistakes I made as a husband even before this happened. All the things she asked for I want to do now. When I am at the house with the kids and she is at work or out I clean, do the laundry, make dinner or whatever needs to be done so she can come home and relax. I am not a slob but too many times I just let it go by. She always spoke of having too many responisbilites and that if they were lessened it would clear her mind and allow for more quality time.
Finally I know when she looks at me she sees me kissing, sleeping and cuddling the other woman and it disgusts her. She sees me with her at every turn and she cant get it out of her mind. How do you overcome that? Thanks to anyone who listens or responds
