The next stage, maybe

[Separated]

Hi Julia!!

My goodness what a punk your H has turned into. A lame text message like that, no wonder you were upset and angry.

You are such a stong and beautiful woman and have been holding up wonderfully. I think it is best to let him know that you would like to discuss this matter in detail as you have a right to know exactly how this will affect you. I mean in a sense 8 months with no mortgage sounds nice but the reprocussion of 8 months of interest having to be paid at once might be overwhelming also.

Wishing you well and sending ((((((Julia)))) to you!!!

[Essie]

Just checking in on you. Your last post was very good - you sound more accepting?!? Hang in there. xx

[JCJ]

(((Essie, Sep, Ali)))

Thank you for stopping by!

Well, I had another email thrown at me yesterday asking for an answer that day. He realised that he had a day free tomorrow (today!) and wanted to know if he could come round and get estate agents round. The other thing was that he wanted to borrow some money from the joint account till some bonds came through. Then he mentioned about some guy we used to work with that he'd seen and what an idiot he still was. I emailed back and said no problems about the money, so long as there was enough in there to cover stuff (I do know he will pay it back) and while I could see this was a good opportunity to do stuff with the house I thought it would show better if it were cleaned and tidied and the garden was sorted a bit and I wouldn't have time to do this tonight. Then I validated how annoying that particular guy was and reminisced about an incident when he was particularly annoying.

I got a text later on that night saying thanks for replying and that he had made the payment and had checked there would still be enough money in there and he would repay it in 10 days. He asked me for the gas and electricity readings and he would call the company to reduce the bill.

So, this being proactive is all good - shame it took for him to move in with another woman to do it...

So, here is my proposed email for suggesting a meet up.


Hi H

How are you? Wow, things have stepped up a pace over the past couple of weeks. I really appreciate you taking the initiative, it is really helpful.

I think this would be a really good time for us to meet to discuss the options rather than one person proposing a solution that the other has to agree and it seems to take us forever by email. We could have a real brain-storming session and bash out all the possible options.

Let me know when is convenient.
Julia

P.S - Maple disgraced herself at the vet last night; she yowled the whole way through and has somehow broken her toe on her bad foot. How I don't know as she hasn't been out for 6 weeks!! The vet also said she had a bit of a flabby tummy but otherwise was a good weight and very healthy. Maybe I should get a cat lead and take her out - can you imagine!

What do you think guys?

Thanks

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,

WOw, so he emailed you over the weekend and wants to get estate agents round TODAY? How come? Is he still wanting to sell then? That would explain the 8 month holoday...you can pay it off when the house sells, if thats his ratoinal..but I dont see that you will be able to sell in this climate!?

You said he also said... "He asked me for the gas and electricity readings and he would call the company to reduce the bill.". Seriously Julia, I personally think its time to get some self respect here.. pay your own bills? Its not going to help your goal one little bit to make him stump up for half of your electricity, it might make him feel negative toward you. Be the bigger person... include in your email that you didnt give him the meter readings, as you will be settling those bills for yourself from now on?

I wouldnt say in your email that you really appreciate him taking the initiative.. he's doing it for himself. Hes taking action now as things have changed for him and become more pressing (he has 2 houses to maintain now, he's no longer dossing at his parents). Also, it just sounds too crawly to be honest. Be friendly, reduce guilt etc and all that, but dont be grateful just becuase he is taking care of his own responsibilities.

I had a similiar sitch.. my ex put the money in for our mortgage last week.. and I know he is with someone else. I didnt send an email like that, in fact, I didnt even refer to it with him, it just is what it is. He needs to pay his half, he paid his half. He didnt do it for me, he did it becuase he had to and to protect his assets.

Ok, DB, but with a little bit more self-respect ?? Yes push for a meeting.. perhaps your email over explains why you want to do that? I like your point that its annoying/hard to do by email.. how about saying you would appreciate it if he would meet with you to discuss it, rather than do it by email, which takes too long?

I hope I have helped and not hindered here! I went for a psychotherapy session just now, so thats probably influencing me! (I will post on my own thread about that....)

I am glad that the emails and texts have stepped up a bit, but he still hasnt referred to the more personal one you sent, has he? He really cant handle the truth ey!
Al x

[AliSuddenly]

...ps. your poor cat !!!! To break a toe, I feel real guilty when I didnt realise my cat was poorly, but then.. they cant talk! I think its ok to put stuff in your email about Maple, as he seems to like to know how she is, doesnt he and refers to her in his emails. I'm relieved for you that things have finally got moving...

[istherehope]

Hi Julia,

I've been reading along with your sitch, but you've been getting such great advice that I haven't had anything to add.

The one thing that I would suggest in your message is not to say the following:

I think this would be a really good time for us to meet to discuss the options rather than one person proposing a solution that the other has to agree and it seems to take us forever by email.

I think this sounds a bit accusatory and reflects your frustration. Perhaps you could keep the essence of the sentence, which is that you want to meet up to discuss, while softening it a bit. I say this because if he gets that you are frustrated, it may make it harder to get him to agree a meeting. If you took out the "rather than one person proposing a solution that the other has to agree" part, I think it would read better.

Like Ali I am glad that things are moving for you.

ITH

[One Day]

Hey Julia!

I like the e-mail, but would edit as follows.....

Good news that he replied to your last e-mail, and also interesting- he obviously isn't in a place where he can handle the discussing the OW situation with you at all (or even acknowledge it). My H is the same and any oblique reference to it usually sends him into his cave, so it's good information to have.

Hi H

How are you? Wow, things have stepped up a pace over the past couple of weeks. I really appreciate you taking the initiative, it is really helpful.

It'd be really good I think this would be a really good time for us to meet to discuss how we handle the house and bills. the options rather than one person proposing a solution that the other has to agree and it seems to take us forever by email. We could have a real brain-storming session and bash out all the possible options. Listen to me and all my management-speak!

Let me know when is convenient.
Julia

P.S - Maple disgraced herself at the vet last night; she yowled the whole way through and has somehow broken her toe on her bad foot. How I don't know as she hasn't been out for 6 weeks!! The vet also said she had a bit of a flabby tummy but otherwise was a good weight and very healthy. Maybe I should get a cat lead and take her out - can you imagine!

I think it's really positive that he's just taken on sorting out the bills without discussing it with you in a way- I know his motivation is to save money, but he could have so easily just said he wasn't contributing to the bills any more. On some level, then, he's still trying to look after you. He's just got that bit hidden......

L. xx

[JCJ]

Lisa - I really like these edits, thank you!

ITH - good to see you, I think you are quite right about me reflecting my frustration!

Ali - he emailed me yesterday afternoon about the estate agents for today! I think that is his rational about the mortage holiday but it is money that will come out of our equity at the end and realistically I would rather have it then -especially if we don't get such a good price for it. I am not making him pay half the bills, he has always wanted to pay half the bills. I think I have kept my self respect throughout this whole thing and it is something I am more than willing to discuss and bring up with him when we meet. Don't forget he has wanted to keep this status quo for a year and has been unwilling to talk to me at any point about this.

I don't think he can reply to the more personal one... I accept that.

I don't really want to send this email but I suppose I have to really. Sigh!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia... good luck with it!
I came back to post that I think Lisa made a really interesting point (which, yes I missed too!).. I was meaning that it wouldnt help your goal to make him fork out for bills.. but then Lisa made the interesting point that he does pay them and wants to. That shows taking care/concern for you? And I'm even more amazed that you now say that it was HIS idea all along! Still..like you say, might be good to raise it with him and offer to pay them yourself?

My ex never mentioned bills or offered to pay. He did dump a load of money into the joint account last Christmas and again in August. So like your ex paying the bills still.. whats that all about ? Guilt? Indecision? Kindess? I have no idea!!

Yes, seems he cant reply to the other email. Sigh, these WAS are a complex bunch!

Al x

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Julia, I will respond more later. One question for you. Did Jody help with the email?? It totally sounds like something she would say. Really, it does.