Oh Cat, you're doing a great job with an awful sitch. Of course what X is doing is crappy, selfish, etc...right on par with what he's done all along.
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Well, I'm reviewing my choices and I guess there isn't much I can do, it's going to be a mess and nothing I can do will prevent my kids from dealing with the pains of a blended family
You can do something: just keep being the wonderful mother you already are. You'll figure out how to navigate the bumps as you go, because you are that kind of girl. Love ya--hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving.
I think you are doing beautifully with your kids, really amazingly well. You're one of the best at not putting your kids in the middle right off the bat that I've seen in these parts.
It is only in trying to struggle with STBX over this stuff that you'll risk sliding into putting the kids in the middle more than is necessary. They are sensitive little things. S KNOWS you feel validated when he talks poorly about GF even if you don't say so. S KNOWS it comforts you in some way. S WANTS you to feel good. Part of this is unavoidable. But you can avoid letting it blow up into a much bigger thing by not letting some of his caretaking of you become something that has power in terms of how it affects his situation. It shouldn't. The deal is done. Visitation is settled. Take it off his table.
And, FWIW, I wholeheartedly agree that STBX is an A$$ who is handling this in a pretty boneheaded and selfish way. Sorry he is that way. But there is a LOT you can do — finding the support group for the kids, finding a C, being open so they can talk to you (which you obviously are), being supportive of their R with their father (which you obviously are), and so on.
You have many ways in which you can help your children. You are smart enough to already be finding them and caring enough to already be acting on them. The one thing you can't do is manage their R with their father or make his choices for him, nor should you try.
cat, As you know, I can TOTALLY relate to the crap with your stbx wanting to blend families. I think it's bs and horrible for any child to be subjected to the instability of that. Maybe it's because I grew in such a "normal Beaver Cleaver" family, but, d@mn, don't these kids deserve more??
Anyway... since we know that we can't control how stupid these men are. And, we know that our kids actually DO need their Dads... my thought is that I can ONLY control what I, personally, teach my daughter. I can only control what happens in MY home. I can teach my daughter what is right and wrong.
My Mom gives D5 an incredible gift every day she is over at their house. She respects my Dad for the male role model that he can be for his Grandaughter. It is wonderful because it is so obvious how much my Mom respects my Dad for who he is... THAT is what I want D5 to learn about family.
Sorry cat.. I went completely off on a tangent on your thread
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thanks all for your feedback, I've calmed down a whole lot more after 4 days of eating, lol
Talked to stbx and he volunteered a way they'll handle kids and it is the biggest and dumbest plan ever, he's going to be so sorry, but by then they'll marry, MIL is sure that the huge ring she has on is an engagement one. Still boggles my mind, 3 weeks she moves in and after 3 mths they'll marry and have 4 kids in that townhouse? the man is raving mad.
My brand spanking new mantra is "only think of God and the kids and nothing else", the obsessive thoughts I used to have about then ow have been replaced with thoughts about those two fools and I dont' want it this way.
After yet another convo about his dad in which I told him that parents also mess up but that we should accept who they are anyways my s10 told me "but not so much and so quick as dad!" he still is adamant that he won't live with him when kids come over, hopefully by then he and stbx would have had a few sessions with a C (which I'm still trying to find).
I know I shouldn't care anymore and prob will tell MIL not to volunteer any more info about stbx but he told me how he told her that his debts were piling on... that gf doesnt' seem to be going to work nor has a car (to start my thanksgiving I was regaled with a sight of them together, she was driving, I was taken a back for a while). I gave that donkey 16k, he even had savings and his townhome looked nice, now he's back in debt and MIL told me the place is a total mess. He wont' txt me nor call his mom when she is around, he only txts me back on his way to work, talked about whipped, she's got her meal ticket and wont' let go, she is even worse that the crazy ow.
Well, had a great thanksgiving anyways, put up the tree, have lots of plans with my kiddies and just joined a group of single parents which organize lots of activities with kids and without, can't wait to go to our first meetup.
LO, I'm so glad for my brother, he is a good role model for my son, we go to his house every holiday and every other sunday, he loves my son to pieces and they get along great with my nephew the same age, thank God for our families.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, had a great thanksgiving anyways, put up the tree, have lots of plans with my kiddies and just joined a group of single parents which organize lots of activities with kids and without, can't wait to go to our first meetup.
LO, I'm so glad for my brother, he is a good role model for my son, we go to his house every holiday and every other sunday, he loves my son to pieces and they get along great with my nephew the same age, thank God for our families.
This sounds wonderful!! You sound stronger, and having a plan to get S to a counselor (with or without his father) is the best thing. You have your son most of the time, right? That is how it is in my sitch, too, and all I can do is: 1. smile and wave 2. keep lines of communication open with my kids to vent 3. not put down my X 4. keep the kids in therapy (about 1 or 2 times a month) 5. be the best example of a loving parent during the times they are with me
hey there, so your kids also go to a C? I just found a great C, funny thing is, she is on the same office/group as the one stbx and I used to see, the really good christian C who saw through stbx's lies and stbx didn't go back there again. I sure hope he takes my son to that C, he is the one who's supposed to go, perhaps the C will talk some sense into his clouded brain. Get this, his (most likely her) solution to keep kids behaving and not fighting? to not let kids to their respective rooms together, so when the boys share a room they can't be there together and if they are stbx or gf will monitor them.. YEAH right. And to keep them in the "big room" downstairs where they can play... umm, his townhome is a tiny place, the "big room" will barely contain all the kids. But he thinks it will work out just fine, he corrects his kids she corrects hers, though MIL told me gf constantly tells stbx "tell s10 to not do this/do this", so, so much for her not correcting my kids.
SIGH>>>>>>>> This is a "short week" at stbx's, I had them yesterday so they only sleep over 2 nights and I get them on wednesday. I get to do quite a bit by myself (work out, volunteer, book club) but it feels like I'm in some sort of a tunnel from mon-tues, and that wednesday night I get out of the tunnel and can live "normally" with my kids, my little sunshines.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
The message they are sending is that the kids are very separate and not expected to get along together. Each kid is going to be worrying about what the other one is touching/doing while they can't be there to supervise. And what about sleeping - are they going to do that in shifts?!
If he doesn't take your kids to the C, I hope that you do! Sounds like they are going to need the place to vent, and develop some coping skills! I had my kids introduced to their counselor even before we separated - I wanted them to know that they had an impartial adult that they could talk to and get advice from, and that they already felt safe with, before things even started getting hairy. My son has the IC's phone programmed into his cell.
If you want him to get some C, it might work to ask him to go to co-parenting "classes" - most IC's will do work with both partners to help facilitate communication, and it is, again, an impartial voice to call him on his sh!t. I actually had that put into our D agreement.
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Are you talking to me?? what personal info? I havent been on this board in weeks if that.
Be Happy for this Moment, This Moment is your Life
