Any way to get the phone number of where the text messages are coming from? If she is this determined, the only thing that may snap her out of the fog is to show her "you know". Otherwise, you have a long road to walk before things will improve.
I just found that she is contacting OM. Our agreement now is that she will not contact while we are in the same house. This will really set her off if I confront her.
She will be even more determined to move out so she can have her freedom.
Oh yes, it will most certainly tick her off. But, will she be so determined if her secret affair is brought to the light?
If she is contacting him there is nothing you can do but wait on her to see that you are the better choice, or see that OM is not what she thought and life without you and her family is not one she wants to have. While you are waiting, you make yourself the best person you can be. This is so hard.
Her freedom is one thing, having another relationship is another. YOu can give her "freedom" in many ways while still married.
I think back to my time when I was in this early stage of the affair. If I thought I would be exposed, I think I would have stopped everything. I would have been pissed, but I would have stopped. Sometimes I wish my H would have known sooner so that I wouldn't have gone as far and have wasted as much time. I don't know.....so many things to decide....
JWM Sorry to see you in this situation. I was where you are now couple months ago except I never reached an agreement with my W before she left. Your W is only one can decide 'No contact' to the OM. There are so many ways she can keep the contacts going without you knowing, new phone, new email...etc. Sorry I can't be much help here, but just want to let you know. You are not alone... You can get through this no matter what. You are strong for yourself and D7
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I think back to my time when I was in this early stage of the affair. If I thought I would be exposed, I think I would have stopped everything. I would have been pissed, but I would have stopped. Sometimes I wish my H would have known sooner so that I wouldn't have gone as far and have wasted as much time.
And yet, that idea is somewhow considered "radical" around here. I just don't get it, it makes so much sense to me!!!
JWM Sorry to see you in this situation. I was where you are now couple months ago except I never reached an agreement with my W before she left. Your W is only one can decide 'No contact' to the OM.
This is true. However, only JWM can decide whether or not he's willing to remain in a marriage where his wife is still contacting another man, after she promised not to, and convey that to her in a loving but matter-of-fact way.
That's the difference between "controlling" and "boundaries." Controlling is telling another person what they can (or cannot) do. Boundaries are telling another person what YOU are (and are not) willing to abide, as a matter of personal integrity.
Puppy and Wdid, you do make sense. I just spoke to a DB coach and came to the same conclusion. I'm going to take the time to clearly state what the boundries are now and if she moves out.
Every situation is different. I think you made a good decision.
I would suggest you let her know that if she doesn't give you a transparency plan, no contact letter, and try to repair the marriage the way you need, that you will not keep this affair secret anymore (other than to your child at this time).
Let her know that you are fighting for your marriage, and with a third party involved your marriage has no chance.
JWM, I am so sorry that you have to face her betrayal again. I know you are doing your best to preserve the M the best way you know how. I just wanted to give you my story so you know what MIGHT just happen.
I was in the same boat you are now. H wanted to leave, 'he needed time to think, he wanted time and space'. I asked if he is spending time by himself or with OW. H: 'By myself'. Then I stated my boundaries, "I would be very hurt if you continue to see her while you are deciding what you do with your life."
The result? He continued to see her. He always knew he would. Moving out was for convenience so he wouldn't have to lie and do things on the sly. He asked me to give him space so that meant I was not to check up on him. He got what he wanted. He had his cake and ate it.
My reaction? Of course, I was very angry and hurt. Does giving boundaries make any difference? The result was the same but it gave me a sense of my own power meaning, I had to chance to speak my piece and I spoke. The end result is the same, it made no difference because he is in lust.
So by stating boundaries, don't for one second think it might change her behavior, OK? Her moving out probably means she will continue to see OM (remember they are like a drug addict craving for drugs). But HOPEFULLY, living away from you and your love and the convenience of her Old life will make her realize what she is missing out.
She is choosing to live in fantasyland for awhile. That's her choice.
You can choose to wait for her to wake up or choose not to wait. That is your choice.
I am sorry to be so blunt but sometimes our spouse will do stupid things and really test you in everyway. You need to ask yourself, what kind of person are you? Do you really believe in your vows (regardless of what they do) or are you the 'since I'm not getting anything out of this, I'm going to cut bait' type.
I am not judging, there are no judges here. Just be honest with yourself. Because you will have to live with yourself your whole life. Whichever decision you make, you have to live with.
Take your focus off her, ask yourself these questions. Find out who YOU really are. Then if everything calms down in future and I hope they do sooner rather than later, you can be a whole person with no regrets whichever way this is resolved.
And remember, this will all be resolved one way or another. All things pass, good and bad. Good luck, JWM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Went to my Krav Maga class tonight. W called three times to find out where I was...complete 180. She was upset but she would not say anything. When I got in she decided to go out "shopping." I told her to have fun and gave her a list of stuff D7 and I needed.
She was trying to see if I would react. It felt pretty good to see her off balance.
By the way...Krav Maga should be the secret weapon for all LBSs. You get to go full speed and hit people(padded.) I am always pumped after and don't think about all the crap with W.
