I am not buying his crap -as Sara says- anymore. You are enabling the jerk to be doing this to you. Those "crocodilian" (Kerry?) tears are all BS. I dont care if Woog/Kerry/Mike and the rest say he is broken. He is only broken in relation to his family. This "wishy washy" approach is getting on my nerves. I know I shouldnt talk like this, but I cant help it... I am sorry. I dont see Dan "getting" anything else but the "tough love" approach. I wish Puppy could come by ... xxx K
K--I struggle with that every day. I know what you are saying, I even bought and read the "Tough Love" book...I am going to download a sermon my pastor in K.C. gave last April about loving Christian vs doormat. See if it helps me at all...
It is just hard for me to draw that line. To meet him at the door and say "You need to stay out as long as you are acting this way and cannot commit". I was all fired up last night, even told him to get out, then S6 came upstairs and climbed on my lap and hugged me goodnight and I looked in his trusting, loving little eyes. I feel like I am taking his world away. I KNOW I didn't, I KNOW H did, but taking "the plunge" and following through is scary for me.
I keep thinking he will either shape up or move out but so far he hasn't done either.............stupid Darth Vader husband. Needs a lightsaber upside the head.
Bbj, have you thought that maybe, just maybe, and forget I said it if you think it is stupid, that you are ruining any chances your S6 has to grow up in a family. Once these frictions continue and the "bad respectless relationship" becomes a "standard" and Dan feels he can get away with anything, there is no way you can pull this together again.
You are losing your bargaining power right now. You allow him to detach emotionally completely, you are giving him a head start, he will be so fed up by the time he leaves he will not want to look back... All he will be thinking of is walking on eggshels with you, you complaining, being emotional, fighting etc etc...
Forgive me I am harsh, I am just trying to help. As always, you can ignore me. K
It is just hard for me to draw that line. To meet him at the door and say "You need to stay out as long as you are acting this way and cannot commit". I was all fired up last night, even told him to get out, then S6 came upstairs and climbed on my lap and hugged me goodnight and I looked in his trusting, loving little eyes. I feel like I am taking his world away. I KNOW I didn't, I KNOW H did, but taking "the plunge" and following through is scary for me.
Does not matter if we say he is broken..He is broken..he's F**Ked up in my opinion.
IMO Dan will continue to do as he is doing..for as long as BBJ allows it or it gets so unbearable in that house that he has to leave. Right now it's not unbearable for him..He's probably not even truly spinning.
It's all a wishy washy mess IMO..
Quote:
I keep thinking he will either shape up or move out
and what would make you think Dan would have a lightbulb moment.??. There's no reason for him too..he does the same every day..there is no change..work, farm, kids..no BBJ..work, farm, cattle, kids, no BBJ..work, farm, travel for work, kids, mom/dad, Tom..no BBJ..it's all here in black and white..no change
It's pretty clear by reading this board that the greatest chance for any reconciliation is for the LBS to truly move on..truly detach..truly make their own life..and then what happens?? a lot of times the WAS attempts to come back..
so broken, yes..it's all screwed up..he is..everyone is..all these sitches are..sometimes you just have to make a decision..Pull the trigger and go with it..around here where I live we say "either chitt or get off the pot"
I was right there where you are just over a month ago...holding my baby on my lap...thinking about how his mom hasn't made any effort (for six months) to improve things - and has just continued to do things the same way - getting everything she wants (material things) - but not putting anything into our marriage...but making things worse and worse at home...and...she was starting to take me down with her...Eventually, after a lot of painful reflection, I just had to ask her to act on her words - and move out...She had threatened to do it for two months - but always found a way to back out of it...until I finally just made it really easy for her - I gave her a list of stuff she had to put in her name (cell phone, car insurance, bank account, etc) - and then agreed to give her half of the deposit for a new place...She moved out - I fell apart - but over the last few weeks I've found a calm in the house that I hadn't had in months...and I finally came to understand what it means to detach - I mean seriously detach - from someone that is too damaged to recognize what she's doing.
Just before my Wife moved out - we had such a similar moment - holding one another - my saying to my wife, I don't want this - her looking at me through tears, saying, neither do I...but neither of us knowing how to make this work - since we were living in too much of a tempest to have our feet on the ground - and to look around and get a sense of ourselves - and what was best for us...individually first - and then (maybe someone down the line) as a couple.
I don't want to hijack your thread - but Mike is right - many times, the only way to strengthen yourself is to accept the separation - and find some calm in you and your home. I also agree so much with Kalni...you can't model a good relationship for children when the players in that relationship aren't even close to having the same goals...my wife had become toxic, literally toxic at home - and when my S11 told me one night that he was angry and sad and didn't know why - and when he stopped wanting to come over my house, or spend time with my wife and me after a soccer game, I knew that this life - this relationship - was doing more harm to anyone than good...and no GALing/PMA on my part could change that....change her (is what I really mean) - and so I asked her when she would move out...and have continued to GLA/PMA for me - and in so doing I have already become a better father to my two boys.
From all your posts that I've read it's easy to see that you are a remarkable person - you deserve better for yourself and your kids...by that I don't mean you deserver a better man - you deserve to treat yourself better...and be kinder to yourself - which sometimes calls for a very, very tough decision...
My heart goes out to you - so too does my admiration for your spirit.
Just reciprocating and doing my checking on you this time. (((( BobbiJo )))). Slow and steady will get you where you wanna be. As the others have said it may for sure be time to show him to the door. Then again it may not be the best advice for your specific sitch. Our Holy Father will no doubt provide great and much needed assistance for this major decision that you will eventually need to make. Take it to Him. There is no wiser counsel than His. I can certainly recall a few ocassions that you mentioned where the Lord was at work in handling things in your interactions w/ Dan. I am sure there is plenty more of that in store for the future. Just keep letting Him know you need His help. I will be calling upon Him as I do each and every night and asking Him to intervene in Dan's life and get himself rerouted away from his darkness that he may be able to see the real truth provided straightways and paths of Jesus. All things at the appointed and right timing of the Lord.
My two cents: Dan isn't going to make this decision unless he is forced to make it. He knows he isn't happy now. He knows he won't be happy moving back with his parents. He knows he won't be happy living with his buddy all alone.
All he knows is he isn't happy.
What he doesn't know is what an ass he is being. In his mind it is clearly all about him. About how you are not doing things to make him happy. About how things never change to make him happy.
BBJ, you know I love you, but right now you are his enabler. In my opinion the guy needs a dose of cold water. A wake up call. At this point he has no reason to change.
It's OK. Woog, I know I am enabling. I can see it in others, I try not to admit it in myself. But I am.
I downloaded and listened to the Pastor from K.C.'s sermon from last March. It was about how Christians have a misperception that being Christian = being supernice, loving, tolerant, accepting all the time.
It talked about how we should really hold those we love accountable, not for revenge, not out of anger, but out of love for them. Make them see how their actions do have real lasting consequences. So I already had a plan for tonight.
I relied on my "little voice" through this..it often told me the way. It's the hardest decision I ever made. I know it was the right one for me. It was right..
Hey BBJ, Just got in the Hotel room and what do I do...straight for DB...to check out what is new with my friend's sitches. It looks like it is a landslide.... {(BBJ)} I was confronted with a similar situation a while ago as you may recall...continue to live under the same roof or leave. It was extremely difficult and I had to do it twice! However, leaving the first time did give me the opportunity to give it another shot (it has not worked out but I did get the shot). It is obvious to everyone that the status quo is not working out....you have to change something...it may or may not turn out the way you want to but if you continue to live under the same roof, it won't get better anytime soon. We are not there with you, we only can read you..... but how much longer can you tolerate his behaviour in the hope that he will change his mind / ways one morning. The time has come for change...actually it is long overdue.
