Is she is or is she ain't (my baby)?

[forward]

Sleeper, I am sorry. I know this hurts. And your situation seems very confusing. But after watching a lot of vacillation from you, I do think it will be best for you to go dim/dark.

Keep in mind that you need to do it consistently and for a long period of time--minimum of two weeks per book!! I have been dim/dark for much longer than that now and it is good for ME. I have started to rebuild my life and do things that mean something to me. I am not thinking of H all the time. I am still sad but another pro is that I am not angry (except when H rails at me--he IS still angry).

I believe the book says to experiment and monitor results. You have been at this stage for some time.

So. Contact is business only. No more favors. If asked, you have plans. Be firm but friendly. End conversations first. Do not volunteer information about your personal life. No lingering.

[sleeper]

I didn't sleep well at all last night.

I was uneasy about my decision but resolved not to help her so much. What did I expect? I should have known OM would step forward to fill in for me. That is normal but what I didn't anticipate was my reaction. I feel as if I've only given him the opportunity to shine and the two of them will become closer. My presence/interraction with X always irritated him (made him "pissy" according to X) and now I've removed that irritation.

About a year ago a mutual female friend told me to keep doing what I was doing. After of a year of that and no change other than friendship and what seemed to be a higher level of cake eating by X I didn't see a reason to continue.

This is only the beginning and who knows? Maybe as time passes relying on OM for all her needs may begin to wear on him and the R.

They've had a rocky R and "broken up" many times. What's odd is they don't stay broken up for long and always get back together. Is that; codependency?, immaturity? or love? I'm thinking #1 and #2. Immaturity drives them apart, codependency drives them back together. They were on the outs only about three weeks ago but I fear it's different now as he took X across country to his parent's for Thanksgiving.

I know realize that conclusion is born of my own insecurities.

[forward]

sleeper, I would take some consolation in the fact that they have broken up a few times.

[sleeper]

Thanks Breton.

I really shouldn't try to figure it out. It's a waste of time and effort and just gives me a headache, heartache or both.

I went by X's place to get kids for an an activity that I take them to every Monday evening. OM was there (of course) and they had just finished eating. I sensed once again that my presence irritated OM. His dog wouldn't leave me alone reminding me of the time he was calling her while I was scratching her head and she ignored him. X even commented, "She likes you!" Children and animals have always liked me.

Before I took kids home I went by the business to check out the light job. So glad I did. It doesn't look nearly as good as when I have put x-mas lights up in past years. My kids independently said the same. I usually use clear lights with a few colored items for accent (I'm very in touch with my feminine side). OM used gaudy multi-colored chase lights. Makes the place look like a cross between a X-mas tree lot and a roadside bar. I have no doubt many, including employees, will tell X the lights looked better last year (one of my best) and that brings joy to my heart if not the world.

X called and asked if would delay bringing the kids back to her for a few minutes while she finished up a few x-mas errands. I agreed and we ran a couple ourselves. When we met at her place for kidswap she handed me a pkg of chocolate candy and said, "This is a little thank you for what you did tonight." Yes the woman who forgot my past three birthdays gave me candy for keeping our kids for a few minutes for her.

Like I said; I shouldn't try to figure things out.

[sleeper]

Feeling down tonight. Not exactly sure why. Could be because I don't have the kids this week or it's the second holiday season with a broken family or both.

The kids said a couple of interesting but sad things last week. Out of the blue they asked me if I would marry X again. I told them I would as I believe honesty is the best policy in such matters. They both became very excited, DD saying she could be the flower girl and DS saying her could be the ring-bearer. They went on to say how neat it would be to be present at your parent's wedding. That made me laugh and I agreed, telling them very few children get to be at their parent's wedding. They haven't said anything in relation to our breakup/divorce in a long time (I don't bring it up). This made me aware they still have hopes for our reconcilliation.

The second thing was Sunday when I was feeling down. DD asked if X and I were fighting again as we fought the day before on the phone. We haven't fought in a long time unlike in the beginning (anger stage) when we were fighting constantly. I told her no, it was just that "I'm still in love with her and I get sad sometimes because I miss her." DD said, "You should tell her you're still in love with her." I responded, "She knows I am but she's not in love with me anymore."

[sleeper]

I feel like a submarine in one of those old WWII movies, sitting on the bottom of the ocean and trying my best to be quiet.

Dark sucks.

I can only hope it sucks for her too.

[fisherman]

Dark is relaxing. Dark is peace. Dark is sanity. Dark is doing whatever you want. Dark is my escape. Dark is becoming my new friend.

Most importantly Dark is one day closer without having to do a darn thing.

We need a to come up with a funny MLC thread.

[sleeper]

48 hours.

Not the television program, but how long I was dark before she attempted to contact me. She called twice on my cell last night, I had unplugged my landline. I didn't answer.

"I was so dark."
How dark were you?
"I was so dark when I turned on the light I still couldn't see myself."

[TRUSTING]

Sleeper,

I know dark is hard. I have been dark for a little over a month. Ex is asking the kids lots of questions about me. He even called me the day before Thanksgiving to see how I was.
I took the call, but was very brief.

You have to let their world fall apart. You being out of the picture, helps them miss you as well as see that their issues are about them, not you.

Your ex relies on you so much, she is going to really miss you.

[fisherman]

Being totally dark is impossible with kids.

I think it is more of at state of mind. Maybe disconnected is a better term. Dark to their antics. Dark in a mysterious way.

Silence with a grin, in a kind way. Not really giving them anything else unless they respond in a positive curious way. Just being the a silent observer who is not around at their beckon call, but when you have to interact it leaves their hamster wheel upstairs just a spinning. Trying to guess why you are so quiet, confident, cool and content. What has he been doing? Offering just enough to leave them wondering or wanting more.