One or the other. Pick one. I have to pick the backing off, as hard as it seems to be for me to do. I have to keep telling myself that it is for the best. For me AND the kids.
ILF, we haven't begun any discussion about Christmas. I think that I'll have to be the one to just ask if she wants Christmas Eve or Christmas day, and I need to do it soon.
Dinner went well, for the most part, but it did help me set my head straight. I did it up. The dinner, I had some wine, candles throughout the house. We waited until about 7:45 to eat because she and S14 still hadn't called or shown up. We were watching the Grinch when I started to get us served. If they show up they show up. I hadn't told the girls about her coming because I didn't want them to be disappointed when she didn't show, which I had fully expected.
As I'm serving, she shows up. Turns out that today was supposed to be her late day, until 6:30.
Thanks for calling and telling me.
I get everything situated and served. I get everyone served. The wife sat at the table, so I ended up serving her too. I had planned on sitting on the opposite place that I usually sit, so that I could watch the tv with the girls while we ate. My usual spot has my back to the tv. The wife ended up not sitting in her usual spot because D7 had taken it, so we still ended up seated next to each other. D7 asked, "Dad, how come your not sitting in the Kings chair?" "I took the Queen chair so I could watch tv with ya'll tonight."
At Thanksgiving, A's daughter kept calling the chairs on the ends, the Kings chair and the Queens chair, even though, normally, the wife sits right next to me.
During dinner, we're all talking when her phone rings. Turns out to be A. She missed the call, but she left a message. Then the wife got concerned, hoping that she's okay. I tell her to call her from my phone, because her phone has bad reception at the house. She calls her and I hear, "Well, just get yourself back here." Turns out that she has been in Cali for the past two days, living out of the front seat of her vehicle with her daughter and dog. Her brother won't return her calls. I tell the wife that I had offered her a place to stay if she needed, when she was here last Thursday.
Drama.
Next, while we are all still at the table, D7 decides to ask the wife if we are all going to be together for Christmas. The wife says that she didn't know yet. D7 starts to say that she wanted us to be together because it is fun together. Ten minutes later, D7 asks the wife,
"Mom, if we were here and daddy was here and there was, um...another man that was here, and daddy didn't like him, which one would you want to be your husband?"
S14 says, "Juli! Cut it out!"
"I don't pick anyone" says the wife. D7 just looks at her and then looks around at S14 and then myself. She is sad and the tears start to come down. "Whats the matter?" the wife asks her. I tell S14 to leave her alone. "Well why does she ask that?" he asks. "Because she is SEVEN" I tell him. The wife hugs D7. "I'm just being honest with you. You can ask me anything, but you might not like the answer. It might not be what you want to hear. You have a daddy and a mommy that loves you so much. We love you."
I realized then and there that I need to stop doing this, for my kids. The wife is not going to snap out of it.
We stay at the table for about another 10 minutes. D7 has already forgotten and starts to jump rope, to show mom how good she has gotten. I get up and start to clear the table. I'm sure I looked disappointed, but I was trying not to show it. The wife checks D7's homework and I do the dishes. I get D7 into the shower and finish in the kitchen. The wife comes to chit chat a little. Her face shows a disappointment too. I can just tell. Her guilty face. We are uncomfortable now. We talk a little about nothing, then we sit in front of the tv. She peels an orange and I grab some pie she had made the other day and some coffee. She waits until both girls had showered. S14 was in his room doing some homework. We get the girls to bed and then they are ready to go and I walk them to the door. She tells me thanks for dinner and I tell her no problem. Then we say goodnight to each other.
So, just as I concluded at church, I release her. I'm not trying anything anymore. No contact, unless it concerns the kids. No more emails or texts, unless it concerns the kids.
My poor Juli. I feel so bad for her and its my fault. My trying to keep it going with the wife is not helping HER, and that is whats most important to me. The kids. I don't want them confused anymore. We spend too much time all together. The wife wants it all. Her seperate life from me, to be with OM, I'm sure, and to maintain the family life.
And again, thats my fault, but not anymore. So now, in protecting them, I'm going to protect myself too. The wife wants to continue her downward spiral, fine, but she's not going to take us with her. I don't plan on ignoring or being mean. Just, not there anymore.
And I'm definatly ok with that now. If I don't move past her, she is just going to bring me down and I'm not going to allow that.
I'm the one that will be better off in the long run.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
Ok, good plan.......Remember, releasing her does NOT mean you move on to B or K or any other girl. Unless you divorce her. Now, focus on h4h and find out what makes him happy (other than spending time with other women):). I'm sending some prayers your way again today.
I am glad D7 asked that, because you know for every thought that comes out of her mouth, she has about 100 left in her head she doesn't say!
D4 asked the other day if Mommy and Daddy fight a lot. I answered "Well, we have arguments but we never argue about you girls. Because we have nothing to fight about when it comes to you guys, we love you and always agree on that". Sometimes you just never know what to say.
Releasing her for yourself and your kids is a good choice. Its not completely giving up, just protecting you and your family.
Seeing my little baby trying so hard these past few days just touched my heart.
I think that her seeing me having hope is letting her have hope and I'm not going to have her keep being disappointed.
Because she will be.
I have to protect her. The wife is just a cake eater, plain and simple. She's okay having both worlds, just like she has been. Her guilt chips away at her and always will. I'll consider her a lost cause. I have done all I can.
So I have to take myself away from her. I think it will help D7 more this way. I'm concerned about D11, but moreso D7. D11 is going to be going to some counseling at school for children in her situation. Possibly today.
As they were getting ready to leave last night, D11 asked the wife if she was going to see her tomorrow(today). The wife says, "Yes...well, I get off at 5:30. Depends if your dad picks you up early."
Oh yeah. I'll be doing my racing again.
Yesterday, she also mentions how she has to get to the daycare to pay today. I tell her that I already paid for the week when I picked up D7. She says, "Well, you already had paid twice."
I ask her if she paid LAST week, and she says that no, she used it as vacation for D7, so she didn't have to pay for the week. She says she'll just pay me back. Sunday, when I called S14 and he told me they were on their way back to the apartment for me to pick them up, he told me,
"Mom asked if you could get her a paper and she'll pay you back."
I'm gonna have to start a freakin' tab on her azz!
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
(((H4H))) Good plan my friend. Are the kids in any kind of C?
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Seeing my little baby trying so hard these past few days just touched my heart.
I think that her seeing me having hope is letting her have hope and I'm not going to have her keep being disappointed.
Because she will be.
I have to protect her. The wife is just a cake eater, plain and simple. She's okay having both worlds, just like she has been. Her guilt chips away at her and always will. I'll consider her a lost cause. I have done all I can.
So I have to take myself away from her.
fwiw, H4H, I agree.
I'm really sorry for your little girl's pain. It broke my heart just reading it just now. But no, I don't think the limbo is helping them any.
Drop the rope. It doesn't mean it will never be picked up again, but for now -- and for the foreeseable future -- just drop it.
Don't pick up the paper. Let her get it herself. Drop the rope COMPLETELY. Just say you weren't near a paper place or you forgot. No more giving her "just enough". YOu've chosen to pull back so do it all the way. So many here to help you with this. No more "happy happy fake separated family". Time for her to see the result of her decision.
I know you a bit. I know that when you drop this rope you will want to pick another up. Don't. You will want to make more phone calls and spend more time and message/email more to B or someone else. Don't.
