Giving up when not sure if it's WAW, MLC or both?

[AlexEN]

Stuck/Lonely,

Sorry to come across as in panic mode; I'm really not. I'm fact-gathering from those who've had success, so I don't keep f'ing up. I'm just trying to get straight in my mind if there's an approach (whatever that means) that will increase the likelihood of her coming out of her fog/MLC/alien-invaded state before it's too late. I AM as concerned for her (because she is f'd up) as I am for the kids' sake. I'm (finally) at the point where I can be detached and not pursue without taking the rejection personally. If she leaves tomorrow, she's messing with the kids' lives more than mine and I would resent that more than anything else that's happened in this entire ordeal. I'm finally at the point where I don't know if I want her in my life -- in fact, I don't unless she does some real work on herself at some point. It's truly sad, because when life doesn't turn out the way she wants it, she blames. I guess my point is this; I believe she should work on it IF only for the kids sake (I can't say that to her because it is perceived as "threatening her"; don't ask, the logic is convoluted) and then I need to see that she has changed her spots before I will know I WANT it to work, too. I'm happy to detach, continue GALing, spending quality time with my kids without it beating me up anymore.

I just had this exchange on sang-froid's thread as it kind of describes where my head is now:

"ColdBlood,

(I don't know how much longer that I can continue to be nice to her. I'm seriously considering the LRT and going very "dim." Mainly because I don't know if I can be around someone who does not have the strength to keep the family intact; the insight to understand that the grass is not greener, that divorce is not the answer to her problems.)

You are so much more succint than I am, but, after a year on this roller-coaster, what you just described in one sentence is what makes my "sang" boil most right now... She has the strength to pursue other things (she now wants to go back to graduate school, but neither the DECENCY nor STRENGTH to look at any of those things. It's incredible that the fog completely crowds out a conscience (when lying becomes second nature). That's why I think she is not herself, because no one would knowingly want to be a "liar", or maybe that's complete naivete on my part..."

-AlexEN

-AlexEN

[LonelyD]

Do you and her still live in the same house? She is not rational, believe you me, she is not. Everything is about her. If you are scared for the kids, then you may need to take legal action. You are obviously doing all the right things, but try being dark with her. she obviously is trying to get somewhere she thinks she needs to be. My W is doing the same and filing miserably. I feel for you my friend. Going dark works best. If you GAL, don't disclose anything bout our doings to her, she may find you a bit of an enigma and her curiosity may bring her arond.

[LonelyD]

I have received feedback from people saying that she doesn't even know she is lying. the reason is, she believes everything she says. She wasn't happy in our life, that was her excuse, she is chasing butterflies to no end. there is a reason they call this the Dorothy syndrome. No the grass isn't greener and running won't solve her problems. Everyone except her knows all this already. She needs to hit bottom, the very bottom and understadn what she has done and what she needs to do to correct and make amends. I agree with you, I am not sure I will take her back unless I see this. I felt as if I was second fiddle to her for a while and she kept telling me it was all in my head. She had me convinced i was losing it. Surprise Surprise.

Going dark and not being available to her are your best bets. Don't be ignorant, but short and don't dwell on conversations or answers to questions.

[AlexEN]

Yes, we are under one roof; same bed, too.

She's, in her mind, just waiting me out until I "willingly go along with the divorce... so we can present united front to the kids." What scares her more than anything is looking "like the bad guy" to the kids (hence no public shows of affection in front of the kids, because by her not reciprocating it would make her look bad -- hmmm, and modeling a "loveless marriage" IS good for them?) so she's waiting for me to throw my hands up so it can be presented to them as a "mutual decision". I've told her I will not lie to them and if they ask if it's something I want, I would tell them "no, I do not want this; your mother does". That, to her, is perceived as a threat!

[LonelyD]

Have you thought of sleeping in another room or on the couch? Do you go out alone during the week or weekend nights? I f not, you may want tohead to a firneds to watch tv or something to that affect. Get away from her. you are way too accessible.

[MrBond]

I agree with LD. Go out and have fun. It's definitely not easy when you feel the world caving in around you, but like the book says...you need to be the person you were before when you were dating. Be confident and hold your head up. You've given her absolute control over you. Take that control back and show her that you're not going to be a victim any more.

If she doesn't like it, then tough. I'm not saying be confrontational with her, just don't give in to everything she wants. Set your own boundaries rather than having her fence you in. Let your kids be your strength.

My kids are mine. My vows are my strength. I knew what I needed to change and it's definitely not easy, but it can be done. My wife and I are physically separated so it is harder, but it has allowed us to both clear our heads so that the anger goes away.

Heck, my wife claimed she was "afraid" to be in the same room with me 3 months ago, but now we get along fine. Just counting one step at a time.

If she wants to go out with other people ... let her. You can't stop her any way. Show her you are the better man. YOU ARE THE BETTER MAN.

[AlexEN]

Lonely,

I think moving out of the bedroom would give her exactly what she wants right now, something to point to for the kids.

Do agree with you and stuck both that it's time to get out...

Thanks,

AlexEN

[AlexEN]

Stuck,

BTW, we get along better than we ever did, too. That's what makes all of this even stranger. I swear if I wrote a book about what had happened in real life, no one would believe it.

-AlexEN

[LonelyD]

This would be all the more reason to go dark and start disaparing a couple of nights a week. When she asks where you are going just say out. Make plans to go to friends and watch TV, catch a hockey game or whatever. Even go to the gym, get changed there and shower there.

You are too accessible. Even though me and W are physically separated i was too accessible, doing her brakes helping her out, I thought I was making ground and all she was doing was using me as a doormat. I didn't think the going dark would work but it has at least made her look harder. Oh she is still with OM, but i understadn i am now on her conversation list with her friends.

Give it a try for a couple of weeks. See how the conversation start to turn.

[AlexEN]

Thanks Lonely, will do... Don't feel like I'm being a doormat, but don't want to leave any doubt...