I have to apologize b/c I posted to you a while ago and then didn't check back on you. I'm so sorry for that. However, I am caught up now as I've read through your other threads and I can see you are making some excellent progress.
However, I want to comment on what Kalni said to you here (and from experience, I know this is a wonderful woman, so consider yourself lucky that she's keeping an eye on you. I wouldn't be anywhere near where I'm at now w/out my lovely Greek friend). Anyway, she wrote:
Quote:
180s: you have to try 180s that are good for you.
It took me FOREVER to figure this out. I've been on this board since late January '08 and just last week figured out how to do 180s the right way.
See, I'd been doing my 180s w/some hidden agenda in mind. It was weird, but I was doing things for my now XW to notice ME and to finally stop being so angry at me. However, once I figured out how to just "let go" and do for me, things just made sense.
You mentioned earlier that you don't know if you'd be attracted to her if you just met her now and you need to keep that thought in your head and don't lose it. See, I find my XW to be attractive and I do "miss" her, but I now know I can't be w/ her b/c she's not willing to work on herself. Thus, we'd be back here sooner or later.
It has been so good for me to realize that my relationship w/ my XW was holding me back from being me and doing what I want to do. Do I miss being married? Yes. Do I miss the kissing, touching, and togetherness? Yes. Do I miss having my family together? Yes. Do I miss being blamed for everything and having to walk on egg shells? HELL NO!
See, I can have all of the above again, but only if I'm truly happy and healthy for myself. So, my friend, as you go out to do your 180s, do them for YOU AND YOU ALONE! Do not have any hidden motives that your actions will affect your W. You have no control over what will/will not affect her. However, you can affect yourself.
So, I would say, if you want to talk w/ your baby boy, then call him. If you aren't allowed to talk w/ him, leave a message. You could even record in a log when you called each and every night so he'll know when he's older that you tried to tell him good night every night. YOU would feel better b/c this is something you want.
You said you didn't want to talk w/ her so you didn't call. If this comes up, just tell her you called to tell your son goodnight and if she starts to get ugly w/ you, just end the conversation. Say, "I need to go. Good night" and hang up. No getting nasty on your part. No arguing from you. You just detach and let go. She can't fight w/ you if you refuse to fight. She can't argue w/ you if you don't argue back.
I've been there and I know how difficult it is to bite your tongue and hang up. However, after you do it once, it gets easier and easier...and you know what? After a while, they get the message that they can't call and badger and berate you any more. If you "drop the rope" and don't fight w/ her, would that be a 180 for you?
As for her coming back and wanting to make things work in time, she'll have to choose whether or not she'll allow herself to see what you are doing as different. It will be completely up to her to notice, but you can't control that. All you can do is work on making yourself healthy and happy. She'll also have to choose whether or not she'll be willing to look in the mirror at herself.
All you can do is be the best friend to you. You can change you. You can make you happy. Everyone else must make those decisions for themselves. If you are happy and healthy, then if she chooses to catch up to you, that is great. If not, you are in the space you need to be.
I hope this makes sense, and I wish I would have figured things out as far as detaching and getting a life a whole lot sooner. It may have kept me from being divorced. It may not have. However, I do know that it would have allowed me to have been much happier, more free, and more productive in the time we've been apart.
Also, this time, I promise, I'll be back by on a regular basis. We all need to stick together, my man.
