Ah fook. 'Junior' who is Grandmas oldest son just called wondering why her phone has been busy all day. I told him I also noticed it and he should go see if she is ok.
More likely the girls "really want" her to come home and be a good wife & mother.
Yeah, D13 really expressed some anger about that. She asked me why D17 and I sometimes 'fight'. I told her that D17 has a temper, and is holding a lot of anger inside her. D13 said that I needed to be calm when D17 is like that. D13 also said in an angry tone "Well I can understand why she's angry, there's a lot to be angry about".
Quote:
But with things as they are, they probably need her out.
She doesn't bring them security, you understand.
You, the decorating, the other new routines...they will bring the girls a new sense of security.
And that's what's most important right now.
It will make you feel less stressed as well, I bet.
Your girls have a reasonable sense of what is appropriate in life. They understand that it is unreasonable for their mother,under these circumstances, to come back to their home to decorate for the holidays. Hence the anger and indifference on their parts. Maybe they need you to run a little interference for them. In your attempt to appear reasonable and "cordial" to W, you may be overlooking that your lack of taking a stand puts your daughters into situations that they would rather not be in.(And asking them what they want may not be the answer. It may only make them feel guilty for choosing what looks like one parent over the other.) Sometimes making the choice for them may be the kindest act of all. Your family is not a democracy. It's a dictatorship and you are the King. As harsh as that sounds, it may be very comforting to your children. They need someone else to be in charge and that has to by you.
You do not keep your children from interacting with their mother. You have been accommodating to a fault. You will not be the "bad guy" if you don't allow L to have her decorating party.
Of course they love their mother. Of course they are feeling a loss for the way things use to be.Of course they are angry. Of course they will grieve these things for a long time. But that doesn't mean that they want to be participants in the "GEE ISN'T IT GREAT THAT WE ALL GET ALONG AND DO THINGS LIKE WE ALWAYS DID" fantasy that L has concocted. Being a teenager is tough. Throwing all this poo-poo on top of it makes it even tougher.
This is all just my opinion and you know what they say about opinions... They are like a-------. Everyone has one.
Glad Granny is OK.
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Grandma called me to let me know her phone was fixed. And she gave me some highlights of her 'talks' with W. She said she didn't bring things up that I had told her but asked W questions about her life and her decisions.
Some highlights:
W told G that I made her move out. When G asked why W said we had 'issues living together'.
When G asked her about 'dating' she changed the subject.
W was showing G pictures on her cellphone. When there was a picture of OM with a little boy she was babysitting she just said "That's my friend M and the little boy I babysit" and went right past it.
W told G how much happier she was now. No reference to me in any negative way. G said she honestly couldn't tell if W was really happy or not.
W told G I was turning things around financially. She said "Frank will do a lot better without me".
W told G that she liked being 'independent'. G told her that you should be able to be independent in a marriage and partners also. W changed the subject.
W told G how I've helped make sure she can spend time with the girls in the mornings and on Thursday and that she's grateful for that.
Grandmas take is this:
W was never independent, never had to take care of herself and feels like she needs to experience that 'independence'.
Still, Grandma says that form someone who wants a divorce she hasn't done anything about it. She says that W is keeping me around as her security blanket while she 'plays independent'.
G said avoiding talking about OM makes it seem like she isn't proud of her choices, and she shouldn't be because they're wrong.
She also agreed that I'm making it too easy for her to do things at the house. She said that she gave all that up when she took up with another man. Her suggestion is to make sure she doesn't participate in any holiday activities in the house.
G said I really need to let her go so she can grow up. She thinks the holidays are going to be hard on her. She also thinks that W is using me as a safety net which is just wrong.
She said, "Just treat her nice when you see her and if you have the patience and she sees how wrong she is to do this then she'll come back again like she has before. But by then you may not want her any more".
I'm amazed by the love this woman has given me and W. W has always been 'her angel'.
She is a shining example of why we should never take our older family members for granted. Their wisdom is often times enormous.
And yes Frank, you are blessed that she cares enough for both of you to speak honestly about these matters, and at the same time is not willing to cast you adrift just because of her granddaughters choices.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
