Thanks for your thoughts. It is really easy to get caught in the smaller moment. For example, my rigid expectation that H will stick to a pattern and if he deviates, all is lost. It makes me lose sight of things you, others and my DB coach have all tried to tell me.
This past week was horrid for most of us so I should expect that it was not so swell for H, either. And, like you said, in a normal state, often a man needs to process his feelings before communicating them, my H is certainly that way and he is most definitely not in a normal state. Plus, my DB coach warned me that he would retreat after the last meeting. Do I think she is making it up???
I want a playbook so I can see what is coming next. Fact is, there is no playbook, so I come here looking for tidbits, crumbs, any little clue as to what H might do next. I think I expect there to be a playbook because there is a script. You know how they all say the same crap to us, ILYBINILWY, etc. I guess that makes me believe there actions will all be similar, too.
Decided to experiment. Will combine DB principles along with what I have learned about talking to people with depression and do the following: send an email on Friday (waiting until Friday because people w/ depression hate making commitments)using a bit of humor (will write on behalf of the plants in the garden) to seek his advice on winterizing the plants (good to ask depressed people to give advice, it makes them feel normal without much effort on their part)in order to prevent their impending murder if left to my own devices. If I word it correctly it will ask only for advice but leave it open and up to him should he want to come by to help. I will have no expectations, not even a reply. I will be prepared for any response that may come. Then, as the DR says, I will wait, watch and note whether this was a success or failure.
Spent the drive home crying, thinking about how I am too young to spend the rest of my life alone but that I do not want some other man, I only want H. Pathetic! Then, I reminded myself of the comfort to be had in the present moment.
Here is my list of comfort to be found in this present moment: I am in a nice home I am in comfortable (warm) pajamas I have good food to eat I have people who love me I have a tv show I am looking forward to watching I do not have to make any decisions about this or any other R tonight I do not have to have a stressful, anxious or sad conversation with H tonight I am healthy I will not have a repeat performance of the same miserable fight H and I had over and over before he left I am not alone (thanks to you all)
I could go on and on and that is the point. I have a lot to be grateful for right this moment and I will find comfort in that.
