For the Guy with Kids and a WW Vinte (20)

[hopeful4her]

Thanks for the wishes, guys.

Sorry karen. I should have waited for ya'.

I hope everyone had a GREAT Thanksgiving.

Mine ended up being pretty good. The wife called me in the morning, must have been about 7:30. Asked if I had put the turkey in yet and did I remember to take out the giblets.

She was being funny.

We talked for a little bit and then she started to get up herself and then wake up the kids while we were still on the phone. She did end up inviting the neighbor A to the house and she agreed to come. I cooked up a huge breakfast of pancakes and bacon for everyone. The wife and kids came over first and we all ate together. She had told me that the neighbor would come over later. Ends up that she had to go all the way back in to town to have her follow her to the house, so I started making all the sides, too.

We all had a good time. The wife took out the puppies to play with and take 'em for a walk. I was watching her through the front window. She was by herself and I just LOVE watching her interact with them and the kids. She caught me watching her and motioned me to join her outside. We just talked about stuff.

We had no R talk the whole time.

Most of the highlights.

While bringing in the stuff that she brought, and puting things away in the kitchen, while I was cooking breakfast, she had everything packed in an unfamiliar, old ice chest. I know it ain't hers. Then she tells me about how they saw an 8 point buck on the way to the house.

"You know it was an 8 pointer?"
"Yeah, it had two, four, six and eight points on the antlers" as she is motioning with her hands.
"Wow."
"I'm learning" she tells me.
"Reaallllly" is all I can say.

Then, sitting down to dinner, saying grace together, I have everyone say something that they are thankful. As the kids go first, the wife has tears streaming down her face. We are sitting on opposite ends of the table and she is seated next to A. A is rubbing her shoulders. When it is the wifes turn, her voice cracking and tears flowing, she says how she is greatful to be here with her kids and to be able to be walking and talking and doing things for herself. She is thankful for our beautiful kids and so on. Then she looks at me and says,

"And for Roger. I'm thankful for you. Thank you for puting up with me."

Dinner was kick ass, thank you very much.

Later, after dinner, she fell asleep on the sofa while I watched football. I knowing how she doesn't sleep at night, I let her sleep for almost 3 hours. Then we watched a movie. D11 was in my room watching her Jonas Brothers stuff, S14 had gone to be with his dad, so D7 sat in between the wife and I on the sofa watching "Yours, Mine and Ours" with Dennis Quaid and Renee Russo. During the movie, we both kept playing with D7, tickling and stuff. Just being close and you could tell that D7 was trying to get us to be closer.

Seven years old and she is trying to position mom and dad's hand to try to hold hands. She is so sweet and sneaky.

Towards the end of them movie, the mom and dad had decided that thing weren't working and then come back together, I hear D7 asking the wife why she was crying. I take a quick glance at her and she was crying and then played it off.

After the movie, we got the kids to shower. They had brought extra clothes and then I asked the wife if SHE brought extra clothes as well and she said that they were in the car. She decided to spend the night, too. Sounds like she had planned it. D7 starts to ask her,

"Where are you going to sleep, mommy? Are you going to sleep with daddy?"
"No, baby. I'll probably sleep with you."
"Your not gonna sleep with daddy?"
"No momma."

I set up S14's futon mattress on the floor in D7's room and put out blankets and pillows for them while the wife took a shower. With D7 already falling asleep on the mattress, the wife heads toward her room and tells me goodnight. I walk over to her and say,

"Hey". She stops at the door. I told her that I work in the morning and I tell her,
"I also wanted to say thank you for us having Thanksgiving together." She looks at me and nods her head.
"That ok" she's softly says, looking at me with those big browns.
"I had a good time today. I really enjoyed it" I tell her.
"Me too."
I had reached out and put my hand on her shoulder, then looking at her, I went in for a hug. We hugged for a minute, and I told her goodnight.

This morning, I got ready for work, made a big pot of coffee, and then went and checked her car fluids. She needed antifreeze again, so I went to the back of car to see if she still had a container of some. Finding it in the back, she also had a book bag of books. A quick glance inside showed that they were library books. A do it yourself divorce book, a parent agreement book, and a helping children cope book.

Could be that she has had them and was ready to return them or it could be that she just got them. Have no idea.

I went back inside and finished getting ready and then decided to write her a note and left it on the counter,

"Good morning,

Hope you got some sleep.
Feed the kids and chill for a while if you want to.
Thank you for letting us spend Thanksgiving together.
If I don't see you, have a great weekend and give the kids big hugs and kisses because I'll be missing them.



And you.

Love
R"

I went to kiss D11 goodbye, then went and patted D7's booty and whispered goodbye, because I couldn't get to her head. Then I
touched the wifes thigh through the blanket and whispered goodbye to her, too.

No one stirred at all. They were out like lights.

[kat727]

I am glad that you had a good day. I think it was good that she acknowledged you helping her. I am not sure about the books, but I wouldn't worry too much right now because it doesn't help to put all of your energy into worrying.

I agree with Karen, you should have waited for us. Well we will just watch ourselves. Have a good night.

kat

[hopeful4her]

Worked all day. I did let the books kind of get to me. I kept trying to think as to when she would have checked them out. I know she had gone to the library before her dad passed away. She had me return some books that the girls had out. I took them back the day I head out to Laredo, but they were all kids books. None by her.

The weekend her dad passed is out. Could have been the weekend after, but that was the weekend she had made the tamales and I took the girls to the movies that day. Maybe that Sunday. She was pissy that Saturday night, when S14 went to my folks to spend the night. On Sunday, she had wanted to go to the flea market. They didn't end up going, but she could have gone later in the day.

Last weekend, she worked all day Saturday. I had the girls. She read my email that night. On Sunday, she IM'ed me in the morning and we had a short convo and then several calls from the store later in the day. Then she came and picked up that girls at the house.

She was off this week after Monday. Tuesday, she should have been cooking lots of tamales. Wednesday, she should have been delivering them. I'm pretty sure that if she is going to the library, it will be with the girls and it will be on the weekend.

I had sent the wife a text this morning at about 10:30,

"If your still at the house, be VERY careful going home. The streets are really really slippery. Have a good one."

About an hour later, she replied,

"We just left."

That was the last I heard. I called the apartment after I got off work, at about 6:15. S14 answered the phone. He was telling me how they were helping A move stuff out of her apartment. The wife was going to let her store some things in her little garage she has. I talk to D11 and we talk a little. I ask her if they have gone to the library lately and she says no, so it sounds like it wasn't this past week. I then talk to D7 for a little bit. She is again distracted because A's daughter is at the apartment. Finishing our conversation, D7 tells me that mom wants to talk to me. I say ok and the wife gets on the phone. She sounds tired and kinda flustered. She has been helping A move some big stuff. She tells me what they have been doing. I ask her if she got to get some sleep. She says she got some, but her back hurts. I ask if her hip felt better, and she says she thinks she made things worse helping the neighbor.

She says what they did this morning and I ask if they took leftovers and she says they didn't. They made up the beds, cleaned up a little, watched a movie and then left. D11 had gotten up late. She starts to say how the neighbor gave her everything she had in her pantry and fridge. She no longer has room.

"I think I'm going to have to give you some of this stuff."

She tells me all the stuff she was given. We talk about the neighbor a little and she says that she is making dinner. A and her daughter will probably take a shower at the wifes place and then leave for Cali afterwards. I tell her that she sounds busy and I should let her go.

"Juli said that you wanted to talk to me?"
"She did? No."
"That's what she said."
"No."
"Uh huh." Sneaky girl, I'm thinking to myself.
"Okay, well I'll talk to you later." she says.
"Okay. Bye."

If she has had the books for a while, fine. Could have been since before her dad died. If it has been SINCE her dad died, that would be just wrong. That would mean that, even though it sounds like things are moving forward, she is hellbent on divorcing me.

Another thing to try not to think about, although I did enough thinking about it today. I'm done thinking about it. Like you said kat, I can't worry about it.

Sorry about the movie, kat. I haven't been thinking straight lately.

Tonight, I did have a nice time having a get together with a group of friends. I was the only one that didn't take any kids, but they understood. Some of the kids, I haven't seen in about 4 or 5 years. The girls and I got invited to a Bday party next Saturday for N's little girl. It was her house we were at tonight. N and two of her girls, age 6 and 10. B and her 12 year old daughter and 8 year old nephew. P and her husband took their 3 daughters ranging in age from 9 to 19.

Getting home tonight, my note to the wife was still in the same place. It looked like it was totally unmoved, but I know she had to have seen it.

[karen43]

Another thing to try not to think about, although I did enough thinking about it today. I'm done thinking about it. Like you said kat, I can't worry about it.

Sorry about the movie, kat. I haven't been thinking straight lately.

I love your D!!! She sounds like a total sweetie!!!

Yeah, you say you won't worry, but you know you will! But hopefully a little bit less would be good? Honestly it is a waste to try to analyze their thoughts and stuff. My latest thinking is I don't think they do actually think about stuff too much. In the abstract like if I D, then I'll be happier, but not too much actual nuts and bolts thinking. My L asked H last week at depo what kind of parenting plan he wanted and he said he hadn't thought about it!!!! (This from a guy who wants primary custody). He wants me to move out of our house, but it needs so many repairs before it would sell which doubt H will have after the D. The house would have to be sold at a big loss which wouldn't cover our mortgage, real estate commission, and closing costs. One of my friends told me that too, (that knows H) says he's not thinking with his head, or the right one anyway!!! I kind of have to agree....

I find myself spacing out a bit on my thinking the more stressed I am. I'll admit I'm a tiny bit spacy anyway, but extra stress doesn't help!!! Maybe more GALing is in order??? Karen

[hopeful4her]

Karen, my littlest one has always been my little 'psychic' one. I remember, she was five, the wife and I weren't talking and getting ready to go somewhere. Our 'sitch' had already started. We were in our bathroom doing our thing and D7 brings one of our little framed wedding pic and puts it on the counter between us and walked off.

You know, I think we're ALL a little spacey in our own way, so don't feel like your the only one. All your stuff is coming up really soon. I can only imagine how I would feel going through all the processes you are.

I think your GALing more than maybe most of us on here.



I didn't do much yesterday. In the morning, I got outside and did some yard clean up. Burned some old branches and stuff. Did some vaccuming. Didn't have to clean up much. When the wife left on Friday afternoon, she had the girls clean their rooms and make their beds. She made up S14's bed.

Even MY bed was made up! I found that odd. Made me wonder if she was poking around the room.

Truth be told, I had purposely left it unmade. I think deep inside, I was hoping she WOULD make it. Can't explain why. I think I even gave it a spritz of my Aqua.

I use the top of her dresser for my stuff right now. Some old papers and such. In a little pile, I had two phone numbers with girls names on it and under the papers, a pair of earrings. Also an address. No name, just an address. The phone numbers and the address were written in the girl's handwriting that they belonged to.

One number actually belonged to D11. I think it was the mother of a friend of hers. The other was the wife's neighbor that gave me the news about D11's period starting. She told me I could call her if I had any questions or problems. The address belongs to B. I had ordered her that converter box coupon online. I also had K's business card up there. The earrings belong to my sister. She left them here when she was watching the girls while I was in Laredo with the wife.

Another set of papers had some lyrics on it that I had printed a few months ago. Josh Groban.


Broken Vow

Tell me his name
I want to know
The way he looks
And where you go
I need to see his face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
While I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

[chorus]
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time

[chorus]

I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
Ther's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end


If she saw this stuff, she saw it.

I spent yesterday as a 'me' day. After working on the yard, I watched a movie, then watched football all day and night. I cooked up those steaks I had bought the other day so that they won't go bad and had a really good dinner and good wine.

I had called the girls at about 6:30. They were eating dinner. I talked to D11 first and then D7. I asked to speak to the wife to make sure that it was ok to pick up the girls right after church for Thanksgiving at my parents. She said that was fine, and that she had to drop off a friend of S14's at noon too. I said ok and we hung up.

I believe that she's had her opportunity to 'think' things. I was there for her when her dad died. We spent Thanksgiving together and had a very nice time. When she was on the sofa sleeping, I covered her with a blanket. While we were watching the movie that night, I would get her some coffee when I went to get mine.

Big things and little things.

Now, I'll maintain the pull back as much as I can. I'm not going to 'try' anything at this point. Focus on me and MY life. Not hers. What happens will happen. I've done my part. Besides, I'm tired of 'trying' now. If she keeps the same chosen path, I'll accept it and keep moving on. I'll just keep working on myself and right now, I'll also keep my options open. If I get divorced, then hopefully I'll still be able to 'cash in' those chips I keep in my pocket.

Besides, the wife is so broken. I have to remember that. The rescuer and fixer in me is what keeps me trying. That thing that draws guys to the psycho's, right?

Oh yeah! And that stupid unconditional love thing I have developed for her.

Hope everyone has a great day today.

I'm waiting for the BCS results to come out. I'll be crushed if OU comes out ahead of my Longhorns. Should be interesting.

[kat727]

Sorry that they came out ahead of Texas. I am just so glad that my guys beat Mizzu! I forgot when it was on but my Dad of all people watched it and said it was a great game. I might have jinxed it had I watched with all the bad luck I am having.

Sounds as if you are doing pretty good all things considered. Just keep hugging your girls. They will see you through this mess.

kat

[hopeful4her]

I am so stupid. I can't DB worth a damn. I'll get to that.

Went to church this morning. Before I left, the wife called me to ask me to bring D7's Converse. She wanted to wear them today.

Now, I know that D7 has NOT been wearing them because she says that they hurt her toes, so I know it was not at D7's request. She has refused to wear them.

Today's sermon was about not giving up hope, no matter what your situation. And here I was TRYING to give up.

Afterwards, I go to the apartment, but her car is not there. I start to call her and see a missed call from S14. I still had my phone on vibrate. I call him and they had gone to leave off his friend and coming back already. We go inside when they arrive and see that they are still not packed. I ask the wife if she wants me to bring them back after our dinner and she can just drop them off at home later. She says that she is still washing clothes and that they can pack when I bring back S14.

"If I'm not here, they can pack their stuff. They have a key."
The way she said it was as if she was trying to make sure that I knew she was not going to be sitting around waiting. She was going to go do something. Her hair was straightend and she was dressed pretty nicely.

We left and had a good time at my parents. My exSIL dropped of her kids. One is 15 and the other is 20 and pregnant. They are my brothers step kids, but they are part of the family, considering they have been around for about 10 years. My brother showed up later, but couldn't stay long. He and his ex had a very good friend pass away on Friday, so he was going to go to that right after dinner and he was going to take the kids. We stay for a few hours and then get going.

At the apartment, the wife was there. She was dressed in sweat pants, but the same top. She starts to talk to the girls and she shows them two Nintendo DS's that A left behind for them. She let A store some things in her garage when she left. I'm waiting for them to get over the excitement of the games and then they have to go look for the charger.

The rest of the night just kind of kept hanging and hanging. We all went out to the garage and they looked for the stuff. Then we go through some storage boxes that had some winter type clothes for the kids. Then back in the apartment, I ask the wife if she wants the leftovers that my mom packed for us, since she didn't take any home the other day. She says sure. Bringing the food in leads us to talking about the food and making fun of my sisters cooking. Then the wife starts to show me all the food that the neighbor had leave with her. She starts to ask me if I want this and that and the next thing I know, we are filling 3 or 4 bags with dry goods, frozen stuff and 3 bottles of juices. At one point, we were both sitting on the floor looking at the stuff.

Then trying to leave, D7 tells us how hungry she is. I'm surprised considering how much she ate at my moms. The wife offers to make them a quick taco of fajita's and I say ok. Then D11 is hungry. The wife start to talk about our dinner today and who was there. I tell her and we are still talking. I'm also talking to S14, because he is trying out for Soccer at the High School tomorrow. Later in the bedroom, I hear S14 asking what she did today. She got gas, she intended to return some library books, but didn't get to. A couple other things and then did a ton of laundry.

The wife and I are talking about different stuff. The kids behavior, the neighbor that moved and her kid. She asks me if I'm hungry and I decline politely. She offers something to drink, which I accept. She sits at the dining table with D7 and she then offers me an orange. Little ones that I have seen at the grocery store, but only come in a box. Costs like $8 bucks. She says how good they are and I tell her that I've seen them, but didnt' want to pay so much for them.

I was doing my digging, since she keeps saying how broke she is.

She says, "I didn't pay for them. The government did."

I look confused and then ask if she got approved for assistance. She says no. A let her use HER food stamp card before she left. She just got it and was moving to Cali so she let the wife use it.

I talk about me cooking the steaks yesterday and she says that I could have brought them. I ask when, and she says, "Before you went to church" with a smile.

We start to talk about ex SIL and that she didn't stop to tell me hello. I was outside and it was like she pushed the kids out the door. I comment that I didn't give a sh*t anyway. She says how she hasn't spoken to her in a couple months now. She invited her to D7's B'day, but got no response and how she is not talking to my bud's wife either. The one that kept the kids. I comment to her that they are not people she should rely on anyway. She comments how she doesn't rely on them for anything.

"I don't rely on ANYONE. I've learned that no one is going to take care of you. You have to take care of yourself", she sounded disappointed.

I just let it go. Then we talk about our schedule for the week. I let her know that I may need her to pick up D7 one of these nights because I should have another call night this week. Then I start to talk to D7 about grandma's and how fun it was today. I remind her that she was going to spend the night on Friday at grandma's. The wife looks at me and asks me if I have to work on Saturday. I just say, "No". She looks a little surprised at my answer. She says how she has to work this Saturday.

Finally, the kids finish eating, I'm trying to get things going and then it just comes out.

"Do you want to come eat with us tomorrow night?"
"Why? What are you having?"
"The steaks I cooked."
S14 quickly says yes. The wife was thinking and saying, "Ummmm....." when S14 had said yes.
"Do YOU have money for gas?" she asks S14.
She sits for a moment and then says,
"You know...yeah. We'll go."

After another 15 minutes of trying to get the girls going, we leave. She tells me goodnight and I say bye. Then she reminds me of a juice bottle I left on the table. She brings it to me. I tell her goodnight and she tells me goodnight again.

We had lots more chit chat than I wrote down. We even talked about where she sleeps on the sofa.

Driving home, I'm slapping myself on the forehead. "DUMMMY!"
I was expecting her to just decline my offer. I didn't really think she would accept.

This morning at church, before the sermon started. We were all singing praise and it felt like I had an epiphany of releasing her. I kept repeating it.

"I release you. I release you. I release you."

Like I was giving up the fight and not going to worry about it anymore. Just do what felt right for me. I felt at peace. Then the sermon about keeping the hope and not giving up. It was so strange.

Am I ok with just being friends with her? Do I believe that the marriage is just flat out over? Am I the one screwing up my marriage?

[kat727]

If she couldn't have them ready when you were ready, I would have just had her brought the stuff out to your place. And I really don't think you should have invited her for dinner. You are supposed to be backing off. I know you are caught up in the holiday spirit and stuff but really it is time to back off.

kat

[whatdidido]

This is what I meant by "doing it all the way". When you go back and forth, the times you pull back just don't mean much. YOu may as well not do it. WHen you move in, she is close to you and nice, etc. but she is still not "with you". The comment about taking care of herself........there is some strength in that feeling....I remember thinking how I hadn't ever done that. I went from my parents to my husband. She is probably feeling some strength. I also wonder if she meant that OM doesn't take care of her??? Who knows. Anyway, my thought is either you back off all the way, the way it would be if you were divorced to show her......or, you keep staying close and start having those R talks again and retro talks, talk about the email, etc. But, you can't do this "middle thing" or you are going to be the nice, divorced husband that understands and "has a good relationship even though we are divorced".

[karen43]

Today's sermon was about not giving up hope, no matter what your situation. And here I was TRYING to give up.

I actually don't agree with that. I mean I can't imagine God wants us to be married to lying cheaters? I do pray every night for H to have an epiphany and straighten out his life, b/c I do believe with God all things are possible, but I also think that people have free will and H may or may not ever come to Jesus or whatever you want to call it. Same with your wife. I will continue to DB (for me and the kids now really) and pray for H, but when we are divorced, it's over.

Am I ok with just being friends with her? Do I believe that the marriage is just flat out over? Am I the one screwing up my marriage?

I love questions!!! I think: no, or you shouldn't be at least. No, or you wouldn't be acting like you do. You certainly don't act like you think it's over. And lastly, No, of course not! I agree with kat's and wdid's advice, though, you should probably pick one path or another, but your marriage is being killed by your W.