Hi. I need some advice. Sandi recommended Puppy Dog Tails. But anyone else who has thoughts on my situation would be appreciated.
You can read about my sitch my using the link below in my signature.
Here is the relevant part that you need to know in addition to the sitch:
I know my wife was having an affair in the weeks before we were separated. We admitted as much. And I know she continued to see this same guy for several seeks during the separation. His name is all over our phone records. She was calling him practically every day. My wife isn't very technical and I handle the bills, so she's totally unaware that her calls are detailed in the phone bill records.
As my wife and I started working on the R with tentative dates, the calls to the OM decreased in frequency. Things went very well on the dates with my wife, and she asked me to move back in (after seven weeks of separation). After I moved back in, the calls to the OM apparently stopped altogether (as well as his calls to her--so they must have come to some sort of agreement). I have now been back at home for two weeks. The R seems to be going quite well. My wife seems happy. I'm much more involved in family actitivites (which was the main bone of contention).
But I still haven't dealt with the subject of my wife's infidelity. I need to just straight out ask her what the situation is, right? Is it in fact over? What is the status of their relationship?
Yes, I fully intended to bring up this discussion before I moved back in, but I felt it was more important for me to simply get back into the house so that she could see my changes. We also are going through marital counseling, and I thought we'd get to this as we were discussing our marital goals, but we stopped just short of this discussion. Maybe next therapy session.
I now feel that our R is strong enough that I can broach the subject of infidelity without creating a complete meltdown. But this could be a very tricky discussion. I could use any advice that anyone is willing to deliver.
Thanks.
Once again, you can read my full sitch by using the link below in my signature.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
You're right -- this is a tricky situation. If your intel sources are still in place, I'd be inclined to just drop it FOR NOW, and continue to work on your own self-improvements until intimacy has improved between the two of you. Do NOT do this unless you can confirm if/when she has more contact with OM.
But since your own issues in the marriage (your own distance, etc.) are long-term, I think you have awhile to go before you can begin to bring this up, in my opinion. If she starts having contact again, then let me know and I can suggest how to handle it, but for right now, as Ronald Reagan used to say about the Soviets: "Trust -- but verify."
Hi gary, wow, I have to agree with puppy, i always do, work on you, BUT verify. with my own life, the best words that have helped me where when Puppy had said to someone, never to let our spouses know all we know while the affair is going on. I carried that, and boo ya. it had a time and place, that resulted in truth. tell us, for now, not to her!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
Since the reconciliation, I have no evidence of my wife contacting the OM by phone. However, she did leave her e-mail program open and I saw the subject line of a message from this guy, which said "thinking of you." I didn't probe any further. I don't know what the guy's message said. But apparently he isn't gone entirely. He's still hanging around in some capacity. Maybe she's responding to his e-mail messages. I don't know. But no, I have no direct evidence that they have had contact.
So I guess I should wait and continue working on the intimacy as you suggested.
However, I also know she wants to go out partying with friends. But she has a problem with alcohol. She makes bad decisions when she's out drinking. Things happen. So I feel like I need to make it clear that I should be involved in any of her nights out. Not sure if she'll buy that ...
Any one have experience in situations like this? With a wife who wants to go out partying with friends? Should I be trusting?
But I'm afraid trust has let me down too many times.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
Maybe if you let her know that right now its better if you and her work on each other and strenghten the relationship and do things together(i.e. go out) leave the friends to themselves for awhile. Let her know the marriage means alot to you and you feel right now you want to built on your trust and just spend as much as time you can with each other. Hopefully that helps out
In my favor, our December schedule is so full, my wife won't have many opportunities for partying for the next several weeks--other than our business holiday parties, and I'll definitely be at her party. So we should have plenty of time to work on improving the marriage ... I hope ... before she tells me she wants to go partying with friends. But before then I have to make it clear that I want to be involved in any of her nights out, right?
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
You can if you tell her how you feel and not on the night she is going out or mentions she wants to go out shold be during a day where her going out has not come up just something you been thinking about how you could strenghten the marriage. Ask her what she thinks about it and hopefully you get some feedback about it and you can reassure her you dont want to be conrolling just want to make your marriage rock solid where you two can trust each other at all times.
