I totally getcha on the jekyll/hyde stuff. I don't know how you do it. My H is talking about getting off his meds, too - then he just glares at me to see my reaction....ugh. I don't think he's strong enough right now at all. But by me saying that he shouldn't, he thinks I'm calling him nuts.
I don't know how you do it. You're the one who made me realize that it is possible for your feelings to come back..
So just a question: since our H's are Soooo similar and my feelings right now are Soooo turned off for my H.
Now: in your life since your feelings for him have come back and then this weekend when he pulls that crap on you (no offense) do you still love him? Or do your feelings start pulling away again.
OR!!!??? Does it all boil down to making a 'choice' to love?
I do still love him. But I feel very lonely still. Everything is great on the superficial friendly level, but there is a giant brick wall with razor wire on top if I want to go an inch deeper than that.
Right now...I have to find ways to work deeper on myself and do some healing of my own, because reaching out to him either results in shutdown or backlash. So. I am going to my support group every week and working on finding a counselor today, for me. Yet he shows baby steps. I think he wants to care, he is just...crippled sort of.
As far as the love goes...what I wish is that I could just ignore the outbursts. Take all that was good and forget the bad. I can't do that though, at least not yet. I don't know if that's what I "should" do anyway. The good does keep me loving him however. And people here help me to see that he does love me.
Again I read that little script I wrote and it sounds petty. But you would've had to have heard him and have seen the look in his eyes. What hurt me the most is that in our awful awkward attempt at some emotional intimacy the night before was what he was harboring it against me the next day....boom! I guess that's what I struggle with living with. How do you maintain a R with someone who could go off at a moment's notice?
I wish I had all the answers, peace. It's getting better is all I can say. Cookie convinced me last night that it will keep getting better. I just have to keep getting stronger within myself.
If it comes from within me, then no one can take it away.
How about staying on the Paxil and cutting out the alcohol? Mixing AD's and alcohol is like parking the car in the yard and running the garden hose then trying to drive the car and complaining that you're stuck. Stay strong ba. I don't have the booze issues, but I hurt for you and all the stupid stuff your H is doing. He had to blow up while watching the game to take control and bring you into his world. In reference to Stosny, what core value's does H feel are violated by opening himself up to you? There is a bunch in that book that I can't get my head around and it has been a slow read, but it is helping me. Praying for you.
M42 S12/D9 T17/M12 Bomb 1 3/22/06 Bomb 2 7/11/08 Bomb 3 7/31/08 W Filed 8/1/08 D granted 12/17/08 D Finalized 1/29/09
A man who compromises his principles never had them in the first place.
I can't post right now...I forgot to mention earlier that I rescheduled that IC appt for S12 for tonight and I'm racing around trying to get some stuff done before we go. I spent too much time online today as it is.
Returned from first IC session for S12...though it seemed to be an awful lot about me...
Great great guy, we got him on a good rec, and he is someone who "gets it." S12 was happy. I'm still processing everything. I feel like slowly pieces are being put into place..that a Hand is moving.
H has enough paxil for the rest of the week...then we'll see what happens. We had a semi-okay convo about it. He said it should be about how he feels...and how can I tell him how it makes him feel or not feel? And I said, well it affects the way you act too. So how do you want to handle that...are you going to listen to me about how you're acting if you stop taking it?
And he said well that's not fair, because you'll blame everything on that...
And I said well THAT'S not fair, because then I'm in a no-win situation, because you'll SAY I'm blaming everything on that. So then what?
So he said let's not talk about it then. He's going to take it til it runs out (6 days). I have a feeling if I just don't say anything about it, he might just get it refilled. I don't know. I'll have to wait and see.
So he's indicating that he's going to go cold turkey when he runs out of Paxil?
Sheesh
I know virtually nothing about Paxil itself but I know about anti -depressants both first and second hand. I wanted to stop taking mine a while ago but my doc recommended that I stay on them for 2 years. Her reasoning? This was the second time I'd been on ADs (first time was 7 years ago) and I'd only been on them since May this year this time around. going off them at this point would potentially be nasty.
Your h, while he does have a choice of what he does with his own body, really should go see his doctor before going off his meds. He should cut it down slowly (eg going to a half dose per day for a couple of weeks and so on).
Have a look at this website (I just googled Paxil withdrawal) - show it to h. Point out the withdrawal side effect of bowel problems. yucko.
If I showed him that article he'd never take any drug again!!! LOL.
The thing is he insists his doc says he can just stop taking it whenever he wants...as long as he's feeling okay. Ummm...the reason you're feeling okay is because you're TAKING IT....ugh.
I know there is no way the doctor told him that. But he thinks so. He takes a small dose, a very small dose anyway. But it makes a difference, I'm telling you. He was so rigid and demanding and hostile before, it was unbearable.
That was back when I told him I was so stressed I couldn't cope and I needed things to change and he looked me in the eye (with his arms folded like a state trooper) and told me I'd better find a way to deal with it, because nothing was going to change.
So I decided to leave him. But then he coincidentally started taking the medicine then. Which helped when I told him I wanted to leave him. Ha ha.
Right now I just want to get through another day. One day at a time. All we got anyhow.
