I was right there where you are just over a month ago...holding my baby on my lap...thinking about how his mom hasn't made any effort (for six months) to improve things - and has just continued to do things the same way - getting everything she wants (material things) - but not putting anything into our marriage...but making things worse and worse at home...and...she was starting to take me down with her...Eventually, after a lot of painful reflection, I just had to ask her to act on her words - and move out...She had threatened to do it for two months - but always found a way to back out of it...until I finally just made it really easy for her - I gave her a list of stuff she had to put in her name (cell phone, car insurance, bank account, etc) - and then agreed to give her half of the deposit for a new place...She moved out - I fell apart - but over the last few weeks I've found a calm in the house that I hadn't had in months...and I finally came to understand what it means to detach - I mean seriously detach - from someone that is too damaged to recognize what she's doing.
Just before my Wife moved out - we had such a similar moment - holding one another - my saying to my wife, I don't want this - her looking at me through tears, saying, neither do I...but neither of us knowing how to make this work - since we were living in too much of a tempest to have our feet on the ground - and to look around and get a sense of ourselves - and what was best for us...individually first - and then (maybe someone down the line) as a couple.
I don't want to hijack your thread - but Mike is right - many times, the only way to strengthen yourself is to accept the separation - and find some calm in you and your home. I also agree so much with Kalni...you can't model a good relationship for children when the players in that relationship aren't even close to having the same goals...my wife had become toxic, literally toxic at home - and when my S11 told me one night that he was angry and sad and didn't know why - and when he stopped wanting to come over my house, or spend time with my wife and me after a soccer game, I knew that this life - this relationship - was doing more harm to anyone than good...and no GALing/PMA on my part could change that....change her (is what I really mean) - and so I asked her when she would move out...and have continued to GLA/PMA for me - and in so doing I have already become a better father to my two boys.
From all your posts that I've read it's easy to see that you are a remarkable person - you deserve better for yourself and your kids...by that I don't mean you deserver a better man - you deserve to treat yourself better...and be kinder to yourself - which sometimes calls for a very, very tough decision...
My heart goes out to you - so too does my admiration for your spirit.
