Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

I hear ya WDID. Problem is, she doesn't want to talk about ANYTHING. She'll tell anyone who listens that S16 doesn't know what he wants when they ask her if he wants to move. He WANTS to move, but she doesn't talk to him or listen to him when he talks to her.

Same with me. If I talk to her, she doesn't listen to WHAT I'm saying. She deflects what I'm saying to try to steer things to what she wants. There's really no give and take with her. Either things get done her way or she makes everyone's lives miserable.

I'm not sure she's responded well to my notes other than my notes that tell her to basically F off. The other notes I've given her laying out how I feel, how I recognize how we got to where we are, how I'll give her the time she needs, etc all get NO response from her. NOTHING.

I've told her before that IF our marriage is to have a chance, we HAVE to move. And she just says "why"? When I tell her about OM moving back here and how our marriage would never make it if that happened and we stayed, she just changes the subject. Now when S16 firmly states that he wants to move and why, she just says to him that he doesn't know what he wants or just ignores him. And then tells everyone else, S16 will be fine.

Yeah, she talks about a future with me, but what kind of future? Her sleeping on the couch for the next two years and then leaving the marriage because she "tried" and it didn't work, all the time not giving me any kind of thing I need in our marriage after the affair? And refusing to read any books, get rid of her affair stuff, talk about any of this with me?

It really hit me last night watching The Amazing Race. One of the couples in the race, the H cheated on his W and them doing this race is to see if they want to try to make their marriage work or not. And HE'S making the effort and letting his W decide to give him a chance or not. He wants to try. So I sit there thinking, why am I the one that is sitting here making all the effort and living in limbo until she decides when she's the one that has strayed? I just feel more and more that I should walk if she can't or won't face what she's done and still blames me for it happening.

Even if we make this work, do I want to live in a marriage where I'm blamed for my wife having an affair? What kind of a future do we have where one of us cannot or will not take any responsibility for their actions? I've repeatedly taken my portion of responsibility and have been working on the things she's complained about, but it's like she's thinking "I did nothing wrong and maybe, just maybe I'll give the 'animal' a chance if he can show me he's worth it". And how can I live like that and what kind of a marriage would we have going forward if that's how she thinks?

I don't know WDID. I wonder if this is just a trigger that I have to work through, but then I read about formerly wayward spouses helping their spouses work through these things and I think, we'll never get there because not only does she think she's done nothing wrong, but cares NOTHING for how her actions have affected me and our kids.

I'm sure I'll change my mind again tomorrow. It seems to take me a couple days to get past these triggers, but no thanks to any help from her. I just think that until she hits rock bottom she'll never give us a chance and as long as I'm kissing her a**, she'll never hit rock bottom.