Hi - always reluctant to give advice but I`ve now read your thread and would like to say that I think you`re too available to your wife. For example, great that she came over for tea and cakes, but what would it have been like if you'd said something like: "Sure, come on over, but something has come up for me at the last moment so I`ll have to push off by (time)." That way, you end the contact, not her. And it wouldn't hurt for her to see you leaving the house looking like you might be dressed for a casual date. This is the kind of thing that one of the DB coaches recommended. Oh, yes, and as you are leaving (having been the one to end bring the visit to an end), you could say something like "that jumper (or whatever) really suits you". The idea (according to the DB coach) is to be friendly... like a good neighbour kind of friendly... but create a bit of positive tension by not being too available.
Thanks NTL! To a point I agree...although this is tricky cos one of my (many) failings is that my W feels that I keep her out of my daily life and my feelings - so I suppose I could easily have tipped the other way and the consequence of that has been to be a little "too" available.
Anyhow, I will think on what you've observed...its finding that fine line I guess. What I'm absolutely not going to do is to play any games - W would spot that a mile off and I would feel uncomfortable doing it - part of my 180 repertoire is to wear me on my sleeve...!
On another note W phoned me this morning - unexpectedly - and we had a great but shortish chat...it started off about S6 but evolved quickly to other stuff...what's going on with her today etc.
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
GFI, Sounds like you have struck a good balance. It seems W likes chatting with you and even does not mind sharing her day with you. HMMMMMM, maybe you are becoming a hard habit to break. Hope thing continue down this path.
Am I doing this wrong? I`ve been told to be a bit unavailable to my H... don`t return calls right away, don`t seem to be hanging around waiting for him to call. Not that I am around that much with all of my gal'ing. But this continues to puzzle me. I`ve observed that having good contact with him encourages him to contact me more... but I don`t want a push-pull dynamic. I also can`t play games... just not built that way.
I wish I felt comfortable posting more details of my sitch... I note that GFI has a fairly detailed thread and I would enjoy the opportunity to share more of my daily or weekly life. However, I`m concerned about my H viewing this and somehow recognizing me. I`ve talked to my therapist about this... perhaps the privacy concerns just reflect my legal training/work, don`t know. Why isn`t there private messaging in this forum? How do users create opportunities to connect without posting generally? I`ve read that some users find each other on FB. How does that work?
Nothingtolose, search for some people here with their DB names. By the way, I am Kalni Sunshine, nice to meet you!!
GFI, you do look greener day by day my friend. I think it is cruicial that you find the right balance. In my case, H would pull back when I did and come closer when I was friendly. This went on for several months with a few weeks as excemption. When he started to come around, he didnt wait for me to initiate anything, he would actually do it(he went for hugs, stayed longer at the house until I said it was time for him to leave with the kids, etc.). But that only happened after I completely detached and talked to him as someone I had business with (kids, schedules, CS, etc). Maybe the goal should be to get them used to have friendly, warm interactions with us (with NO pressure about the M) and then right when they feel they really like these interactions, pull back and detach completely.
I would be hesitant to advise how to proceed because only the persons invloved know the dynamics of the relationships. But at least, I can share that in my case, H seemed to wake up when he felt he had lost me. xxx K
NTL...IMO if you are observing and questioning yourself and your H's reactions then although this will take a little time - you'll find your balance - its very hard for someone from the outside to give advice on and no doubt, like many others have, you'll mis-judge.
one observation though - something for you t think about and it sort of captures your suggestion to me too...in my interactions with my W I try to make sure they are of top quality, satisfying and enjoyable for both sides...so often as we slide into married life day to day interactions become routine and mundane - so i think you might be able to find a balance between getting on with your life/GALing which, as a consequence will make you less available to him and having some very positive encounters with your H - which, as you have observed seem to pay dividends...and not surprising - folks want to be around other folks they get a buzz from!
On the disclosure side, I decided a while back that I had nothing to lose - actually i was finding it frustrating to keep covering my tracks and posting here in oblique terms - I was worried i wasn't getting the full benefit fof all the wonderful people here because I was spending too much time ensuring my W - the one who doesn't want me any more! and folks in Brighton, Ohio or Madrid wouldn't be able to figure out who i was so i thought - to hell with this and for me that's been ok. But i appreciate all sitches are different.
I have a feeling that my W does visit this board - I've certainly told her about it - if she does then - well, she's up to speed! If she hasn't, then well, part of me wishes she would...
There are some bits of DBing that could be taken as smoke and mirrors - i think its important to look for the intended message behind some of the elements of the DB approach - like I said above - I cannot and will not play games - in my marriage of late there's been enough deception.
I need to go soak my climbing arms!
KBO! - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
Thats great news GFI.. not only tea and cakes, but random phone calls too!! Do you think Christmas coming up may affect her? How long has she been gone/with OM?
I am so happy for you that you and your W continue to spend quality time together, not only cos of H.
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
From a cognitive perspective, I've made a long-term commitment to dbing.
Emotionally, I struggle regularly. It's been 8 months of separation. I`ve gotten past just surviving. But I still have days of ragged emotions and feel so distracted that my productivity at work is sub-par.
How can I get beyond this?
One of my worries is that even if my M is saved, I will be so emotionally wrung out from having endured months (years?) of rollercoastering that a whole heap of other problems will exist for me. And what if my H just ends up meeting someone else (his hoped-for EA didn`t work out)?
GFI, you don`t seem to be emotionally wrung out. I`ve tried to go back and read your earlier posts (not finished yet) to learn more about your journey and perhaps what you've learned along your journey.
Really just looking for advice and support, please.
After several nice contacts over the weekend, my H seems to have scuttled away again. Another website likened this process to trying to attract a deer out of the woods. Now I just have to hang back and see if he contacts me again.
