The holiday weekend has started early for me! Absolutely nobody was in today so I knocked off at noon, came home, cleaned up a bit from the kiddos being here, and have started planning my weekend...
I'm taking the kids down to my Dad's house tomorrow for Thanksgiving with my family. I'll pick them up at 10AM and have them back by 4PM. My X In Laws are coming into town today so I'm letting the kids stay with my X over the weekend I normally have them. I'll get them back a day early next weekend.
After I drop the kids off I'm seriously considering loading up my dog and taking off to Missouri and Arkansas for a couple of days. Might as well I guess as there isn't much going on around here. I'm sure my "kinda" GF would like for me to stick around but this will just help keep the relationship "loose", I think she is wanting to get serious.
Here is a random thought for people in our position. Not one that I'm all that concerned about really but still makes me wonder. My mother passed away 3 years after we were married. My X MIL was always an incredible person to me and pretty much became like my mother. Throughout the entire marriage, she was always coming to me to talk, there for me, etc, etc. I did, and still do, think that she is an absolute Saint.
However, last year as things began degrading she took a big step back. I know she saw what was coming and even told me that she didn't want to take sides. I agreed and was good with that. The thing that has always made me rethink just how much a part of the family I was is that since we separated at the end of 09/07 she has not reached out to me to talk one single time. I called her when she was in the hospital in 11/07, again on Christmas of 07, and then a couple of days after the divorce was final in 06/08.
I know that she has to be loyal to her daughter but does that require a complete break like this when we were so close before? If I had been the one having an affair, or if I had not been the one trying so hard to keep things together, I guess I could understand. It is going to be awkward picking the kids up tomorrow because that will be the first time I've seen them since 07/07 and first time I've spoken to them since June. I know that if the shoe had been on the other foot, and I had treated my X the way she treated me, my Dad would be checking with her constantly to see if there was anything that he could do.
As bad as I hate to say this, I think I see where a good portion of my X's disfunction and avoidance comes from. Her father is a piece of work and has always been very rough on those around him. Now all three of their children have the initiaters of at least one divorce and are not exactly good models for fathers/mothers/husbands/wives.
Who knows... Like I said, just some random thoughts the day before a holiday. I'm good! Will see a bunch of my friends tonight and might be chasing ducks within 48 hours!
Holiday weekend went pretty well. Picked kids up and dropped them back off at the exact times I had arranged (10AM - 4PM). Two oldest daughters were upset when we pulled into the driveway at 4PM and the BF's crotch rocket was parked there. D16 hasn't met him and she at first refused to get out of my vehicle. I told her not to worry about it, just to go in and "go do her thing". I think it went okay afterwards but haven't been able to talk with them much about it since.
Took off to Missouri that evening (Thurs), stayed there all day Friday then headed down to a big festival in Stuttgart, AR on Saturday. That was okay, but I was exhausted when I returned yesterday.
On the drive home from AR I sent X a txt asking if I could take kids out to dinner last night. She said that "they had plans" then said that "kids were now stressed" so I left it at that. Just a mental note for the future when she wants to arrange these swaps that work for her, I'll not be so easy. If she can't set aside a couple of hours for me to see the kids on a day that is normally mine, that isn't right. I'm not used to going more than a couple of days w/o seeing them all, and I know that they like to be around me, especially w/ her father in town.
I'm going to go up to my son's school here in a few and eat lunch w/ him. I miss my little guy!
I know that she has to be loyal to her daughter but does that require a complete break like this when we were so close before? If I had been the one having an affair, or if I had not been the one trying so hard to keep things together, I guess I could understand. It is going to be awkward picking the kids up tomorrow because that will be the first time I've seen them since 07/07 and first time I've spoken to them since June. I know that if the shoe had been on the other foot, and I had treated my X the way she treated me, my Dad would be checking with her constantly to see if there was anything that he could do.
As bad as I hate to say this, I think I see where a good portion of my X's disfunction and avoidance comes from. Her father is a piece of work and has always been very rough on those around him. Now all three of their children have the initiaters of at least one divorce and are not exactly good models for fathers/mothers/husbands/wives.
Steve..it seems like lines get drawn in the sand in these things and it's hard to keep that from happening. Not one thing you can do about it..
it seems like lines get drawn in the sand in these things and it's hard to keep that from happening. Not one thing you can do about it..
Yeah, I know. It is just so uncomfortable. They are in town until Wed. Tonight my D14 will be cheering at a HS basketball game and tomorrow night my D11 will be playing in an elementary basketball game. They will be there for both and things will be weird yet again. What is going to be doubly weird is if X's new BF comes to either. I know it will be happening soon but the weirdness with them all there would be a lot!!
If I were as shallow as her I could bring along my 29 year old "friend" and rattle some cages! Weird how the serious thought of doing something like that has never crossed my mind!
I adore reading about loving dads, guys who put their kids welfare first.
Those social interactions are only as weird as you make them. If you go with no expectations, no intentions and thinking positive thoughts, the experience will be positive.
Earlier this summer my daughter was in a play. I worked backstage but had tickets for all four shows. The second night I was a wreck, petrified that her father would show with the woman he moved in with the moment he left the house. My anxiety level was through the roof.
Just last week, my daughter was in another performance that ran over two weekends. I bought tickets for each show. I didn't look for him, I didn't care if he was there. I was there solely for the joy in watching and sharing in her experience and seeing her perform.
It's a big difference.
Like someone said earlier, it sounds like your former spouse is far too involved in your life. I keep very low expectations for my spouse (the father who spends an hour, if that, with my daughter and her brothers (if they're in town) a week (if that!)).
Just like us, our spouses have their strengths and weaknesses. Forgiving my spouse who left goes a long way in improving my life.
*hugs*
PS.. I bet you like take possession of the remote when watching Tide games.
well..how's this for uncomfortable. My mom is 76 my dad 83. My former FIL has decided that he would like to maintain contact with them, be friends even though there was no friendship before the D was final. He has sent a Xmas card to them with a message to my mom and dad. The Gist of the card is basically he wants to maintain a friendship with them even though Kim and I are no longer married, he's sorry that the marriage has failed but has realized that it is probably, "for the better". I'm pretty pissed about the card from him especaillly since I feel he is playing games. He has called me psycotic and dangerous via email..so I feel his reaching out to them is a game..
at the moment I'm being still. I've ask my mom not to respond simply because I do not know what action to take if any..
and after my first D..My first W used to bring her new boyfriend to the exchange place all the time..
You're a smart guy... that means your parents aren't stupid.. right? Are they infirm, incapable? Are they strong people with values? Do they have their own thoughts?
How did they feel about the card? What was their take on it?
That card is insulting to you, but it wasn't sent to you. Was the email where you were described as psychotic and dangerous sent to you? As tough as it is.. those things are none of your business. If your parents ask for your input that's one thing.
Maybe it's right to be vigilant and look at each action having a strategic meaning. For me though.. what other folks say about me is none of my business. What they say directly to me, is.
The action with the card is up to your mom and dad. If they want a relationship with the guy, it's their choice. And if their choice if it's polite, thanks but not thanks or whatever level of involvement they want.
You're Caleigh's daddy.. the best thing in the world.
Drop the rope and go fishing.
You're a good guy.
*hugs*
And about the drop off thing with the first wife... you didn't have control then, you won't have it now. Keep your expectations low about her behavior and your head high.
You're a smart guy... that means your parents aren't stupid.. right? Are they infirm, incapable? Are they strong people with values? Do they have their own thoughts?
How did they feel about the card? What was their take on it?
That card is insulting to you, but it wasn't sent to you. Was the email where you were described as psychotic and dangerous sent to you? As tough as it is.. those things are none of your business. If your parents ask for your input that's one thing.
Maybe it's right to be vigilant and look at each action having a strategic meaning. For me though.. what other folks say about me is none of my business. What they say directly to me, is.
The action with the card is up to your mom and dad. If they want a relationship with the guy, it's their choice. And if their choice if it's polite, thanks but not thanks or whatever level of involvement they want.
You're Caleigh's daddy.. the best thing in the world.
Drop the rope and go fishing.
You're a good guy.
*hugs*
And about the drop off thing with the first wife... you didn't have control then, you won't have it now. Keep your expectations low about her behavior and your head high.
sorry kathleen..I don't agree with your post..very little of it.
I've dropped the rope..I do not attempt to maintain contact. I do not attempt to play games. It appears they do..
I'm not holding on...
and yep..I snooped in her f**king email..and I would do it again..because I was not attempting to save my marriage..
I was saving myself..
Like I said..
LINES IN THE SAND...
and I figure my mom made the card my business when she told me she got it..when she read it to me..
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 12/02/0801:33 PM.
Those social interactions are only as weird as you make them. If you go with no expectations, no intentions and thinking positive thoughts, the experience will be positive.
You are right! That is why I stumbled back to this site, I just need constant reminders.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Like someone said earlier, it sounds like your former spouse is far too involved in your life.
Yes mam she is... have been working on correcting that for the last couple of weeks. It does make life so much easier.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Just like us, our spouses have their strengths and weaknesses. Forgiving my spouse who left goes a long way in improving my life..
I'm getting there... Probably 95%, at least that is how I feel today.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
PS.. I bet you like take possession of the remote when watching Tide games.
Oh no... only during TN Titan games! I'm an SEC fan to be sure, went to Auburn, grew up in TN, had friend play for the Tide. At the end of the season I just want to see an SEC team go to the BSC Championship game and kick the crap out of some team from outside of the SEC. Would be cool if somehow FL and AL could tie, end up ranked #1 and #2 in the BSC, and go to the Championship game to slug it out again!
I'm not sure how much you are looking out for her feelings in all of this.
You've said that you are sure she would want you to stay in town but might go away anyway because it will keep things, "loose." It won't keep things loose, it will keep you in control, calling all the shots, making sure she's in the background to fill YOUR needs but you aren't there when she wants you.
And then you talk about how you could bring her to a sporting game but it never occurred to you.
Look, if you don't want anything serious with anyone that's fine, but it's not okay to use someone just to keep you from being lonely either.
Even though you may have told her you don't want anything serious, if you know that she does and you can tell that she is holding on hoping for something more, than I think you should end it with her. It's not fair to her.
and if you're not ready for a relationship then why are you dating. Maybe you should concentrate on finding friends. We don't more heart breaks in this world.
I don't know if the 29yo has any children of her own, but if she doesn't and she would like to have some and you are done, then she is just wasting her time with you and you are using her to get your needs met.
Weird how the serious thought of doing something like that has never crossed my mind!