I do still love him. But I feel very lonely still. Everything is great on the superficial friendly level, but there is a giant brick wall with razor wire on top if I want to go an inch deeper than that.
Right now...I have to find ways to work deeper on myself and do some healing of my own, because reaching out to him either results in shutdown or backlash. So. I am going to my support group every week and working on finding a counselor today, for me. Yet he shows baby steps. I think he wants to care, he is just...crippled sort of.
As far as the love goes...what I wish is that I could just ignore the outbursts. Take all that was good and forget the bad. I can't do that though, at least not yet. I don't know if that's what I "should" do anyway. The good does keep me loving him however. And people here help me to see that he does love me.
Again I read that little script I wrote and it sounds petty. But you would've had to have heard him and have seen the look in his eyes. What hurt me the most is that in our awful awkward attempt at some emotional intimacy the night before was what he was harboring it against me the next day....boom! I guess that's what I struggle with living with. How do you maintain a R with someone who could go off at a moment's notice?
I wish I had all the answers, peace. It's getting better is all I can say. Cookie convinced me last night that it will keep getting better. I just have to keep getting stronger within myself.
If it comes from within me, then no one can take it away.
