HTTE, The tough road...Facing the big D

[HopefultotheEnd]

So much has happened in just a week I am still in a fog from it.

Last week, the same day that I wrote the above post I came home and W was asleep in my bed. This was a surprise for many reasons, mostly because she had not stayed the night for about a month and there was a perfectly serviceable guest bed available. I was happy about it because I like it when she's there but I told myself not to read anything into it. I just went to bed. She got up in the morning and wished me a good time at my moms on thanksgiving and I told her she was still invited and for her to have a good day. No problem. I went on to have a great Thanksgiving with the girls my turkey was a hit and the girls had a blast.

Friday I was going to meet W to transfer kids at 5:30. I call her to confirm and leave a message that it's possible that myself and the girls might like to eat leftovers at my parents so if she likes we could meet there instead. I get a Voice mail from her that says that she got off work early and went to OM's moms house over an hour away for dinner and that she wouldn't be back in time or didn't want to rush to be back in time. She wanted me to call her. Needless to say I was angered by her lack of communication. The appropriate time to call me about it would be before she leaves making plans that would change our meeting for the children. They knew that they were supposed to be meeting mommy a 5:30. Anyway I decided to forget it and not call her and go eat leftovers with my family we all had a good time. W calls at 7 saying that she is at the house so we wrap it up and I take the kids home. She is a little miffed that I didn't call her but I tell her how I felt and she accepts it without comment.

I didn't make plans to go away this weekend and wasn't sure if she was going to either of her parents houses so it turns out we watched movies together. It was fine, not awkward just pleasant. She got tired and went to bed first to the guest bed. I was ready for this and slept my bed. No worries.

I woke up feeling pretty well considering everything until W comes in to my room and starts with little nitpick things about the house. I ignored the first few comments and then told her it wasn't any of her concern and went on to do the chores I wanted. She seemed to turn around when I fixed the coffeepot for her and things were nice again until she told me she wanted to take the kids to OM's parents house to see their sheep.

I was not ok with this and told her that it was not appropriate for the kids to ever be around her men. This started off hours of discussion where she then became so angry at me for reading and saving her email that she threw one of the patio chairs and threatened to damage my computer. I thought she might actually strike me. Worst is that the kids saw this! I called the conversation over at this time and went inside told the girls everything was ok and went upstairs to get ready to get out of dodge. W came up and conversation continued on a more subdued pace. She wants me to delete the records I have of her emails. We talk for a bit which ends in a lot of validating on my part. I tell her that was deeply hurt but accept my role in the marriage and the places where I dropped the ball. She thanks me for telling her we R talk for a short time and I start to finish getting ready to go when she asks me if I want to go see a movie with her and the girls that afternoon.

...I stop and stare at her not sure I heard correctly..."with you and the girls, all together?" I ask stupidly. "Yeah", she says. I still have doubts but agree to go besides, I know the girls like it when we do things together.

We go and all have a great time, we laugh and play around...it was almost like I was on a date with my W and kids. Really fun. We continue to have a good time right up to bed time where I come up from tending the fireplace to find her in my bed.

I don't know what to think at this point since One day she's in my bed and then last night she felt the need to sleep in the guest room. Then we fight all day calm down and now she wants to be in my bed and snuggle again. I still can't help but smile as I'm lying there because I'm happy we're there and am ok with it whatever "it" is.

Well I had considered getting up early to go to the gym and boy do I wish I had. We lounge around until 10 in the morning with her in my arms until she asks me where I go on my "out of town" weekends...

I ask her why she would ask and the conversation rapidly disintegrates with her again being furious at me for having saved copies of some of her emails. She tells me I make her sick and that I'm pathetic and that what I did was illegal and that I can run away, but that it's not over.

Then later that evening I get a text from her that she doesn't want to fight anymore and that she wants me to call her and let her know when I'm coming home. I take this as an olive branch so I call and she is pleasant. I come home and she walks up to me hugs me (I'm unsure if I want to hug her back but I do) and she says, "We'll get through this somehow. We won't hate each other."

I can't close my mouth fast enough as I say, "You don't hate me?"
She says, "No, I'm not happy with you for some things but I don't hate you." So I reply, I'm not happy with you for some things as well." She says, oh well. And we each leave it at that. I tell her to drive safe and to be careful in the fog and she goes home.

What a weekend!

I told my friend the story and though he does not know anything about DB he suggests that I put a stop to the bed sharing. He admins that it might be hard and that he probably wouldn't be able to do it in my place. We all know that's sound advice (But I knew that months ago)

What is wierdest of all is that I feel more "done" than I've ever felt. I don't want someone who is angry at me in my life anymore. It's just not worth it. That plus dealing with the turmoil, it's too much. I don't want to deal with the "hot/cold" phases anymore. I can't imagine getting back together with her and living like that.

There's more about our finances but I'm done for today, thanks for listening.