Hi NW... Had to get up extra early to get my S11 to school this morning. He was selected to be on his school's math team - and they meet at 7am on Mondays...which is tough since I live an hour away from his school...but he seems to like the quiet of the early morning (he always has)...and so we just had a nice talk on the way up. He's such a fine child - everything about him just makes me proud.
It was tough not calling to say goodnight to our baby last night - it was a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE 180 for me...and I'm still not sure it was the best thing to do...but I am thinking that from now on I will not contact her on Sundays...I just don't want to talk with her at all.
I'm thinking about these 180s all over again...and wondering just what else I could be doing...though not for her or our M but for me...In reading some other posts - I think it was one from M from Tenn - there was a comment about 180s being a way of discovering ourselves - almost by turning around our own habits and stepping out of our familiar shells we suddenly see a different side of ourselves that we hadn't fully developed or embraced. And so I'm thinking about 180s...exercise - which I thought was one of my 180s - actually started before all this stuff happened...in fact...I started playing on a soccer team more than a year ago - and at the time, my wife was very excited about it - now it's something that she holds against me - and uses as evidence that I don't care about the family because I "have interests outside the marriage." That is an actual quote of something she said to me when criticizing my playing soccer...and going for runs...
So...not calling on Sunday was a true 180 - and totally against my nature...so what else can I do? My language of love tends to be gift giving...I was thinking today - as Christmas approaches - how over the last ten years I would spend this time finding surprising gifts for my wife...but now I won't be getting her anything (another 180?). Last year was the first time in ages that she ever actually got me a Christmas present...prior to that she would often just give me a piece of paper with a promise of something on it...and none of those promises have ever come to anything...like concert tickets, etc.
Last year, about this time, I surprised her with tickets to see her favorite band perform at the Disney Hall...her eyes lit up when she realized where our seats were...and I finally felt like she understood how much I loved her...but that wasn't the case, I suppose...and that's what's gone through my head this morning...how many times I've felt like she takes and takes and takes from this relationship but gives so little back in return. I've loved her so very much - despite knowing that about her - for many years...and yet now I wonder if I could ever go back to being with someone like her - someone that seems entitled to everything - someone that resents having to work - that resents having to help out around the house - that resents being intimate - that resents giving time to me or my older son? The short answer is no...I could not have stayed in the marriage we had...which is why I was the first one to bring up the D word - months ago - though I was then the one to back off when I thought - wait a minute...let's work at this for real and improve ourselves...
The fact is, and I'm getting this clearly now - we could never get to where we need be (as individuals - not as a couple) if we didn't break all the eggs in the house first - and for the last few months I've been spending too much of my time picking all the shells out of the eggs...and not thinking about what they could be used for now that they're broken...a new omelet...a real big one...made to order...just the way I like it...and I think my wife would probably use her portion of the broken eggs to make a cake...and then try to have it and eat it too...
